I am trying a new way of dealing with my significant other's funk/drama/blaming me for his negative feelings. He is depressed because he is having a lot of trouble getting a job. Yesterday was our anniversary and he sat home (we don't live together) and moped because he got a job rejection. I am sad for him, and supportive, and didn't give him a hard time. Since he feels bad about himself, he is blaming our relationship, the people who aren't hiring him, etc. for his unhappiness. He has untreated ADD symptoms and is not seeking help. Every time his self-esteem gets this low, everything in his life seems dark. He blows up, hurts my feelings and then acts like he has to consider how he feels about our relationship while I sit and wait. He doesn't admit it, but he wants me to keep chasing after him. When I do, he uses it as an opportunity to create conflict, perhaps because it is stimulating to him or he has no other outlet.
So this is what I am doing: I state that I care about him and then I just let things be. He can't handle anyone else's feelings right now, and I am okay with that because for once I don't feel like I need his validation. He tries to pull me into fights or to get me to spill my feelings to him by saying emotionally-instigating things, and I'm not feeding into it this time. I am not letting him in on my feelings until he respects them. Why should I keep opening up to someone who isn't reciprocating or cooperating? I am just going to try to be happy and be myself, and his attempts at provoking me can stand on their own. If he wants to start being nice then he can come to the table on his own.
He tries to have control and make things about him by undermining our emotional trust by throwing the whole relationship onto shaky ground, which usually causes me to want to talk things out, and then he pulls away more or is more obscure about his feelings. Not this time! It is not my turn to do more than my part again. I am not going to do the heavy lifting anymore for someone who doesn't respect me or my feelings and wants to blame his misery on someone else. I have apologized for my part in our arguments and he has not apologized for his. I have tried to cheer him up and he has not tried to care for my feelings. Usually he expresses that he is upset with "us" by not talking to me. Now I'm not initiating contact for once and he is. I don't know if this is a solution for the relationship, but it is a solution for me right now. I am tired of him dragging me down. I am not someone who likes drama. I will not be dragged onto this rollercoaster and then told that I'm operating it.
Has anyone else tried this? How has it worked/not worked for you?
I'm addressing the rage/anger
Submitted by copingSAH on
I'm addressing the rage/anger part. This has been what I've been attempting to do for the most part since my dh was diagnosed. Partly because I needed/need to come to terms with what it has been like to be married to ADD/ADHD the last 2 decades, partly to save my own sanity, partly to make him somewhat conscious of his own anger on his own.
I have started to put my foot down and tell him bluntly, "I am not going to be pulled into this." "Your issue has nothing to do with me directly." "You need to work through it." "You can scream all you want but look away when you are want to unleash, you should not be glaring at me" -- when his rage turns on the first person he sees, which is always me. I can read all the cues in this "dance" of anger... the build-up is so unusual in that no one else has any idea of what's happening, especially in public. Then people wonder why or what I've done to produce such an outburst (his or my own). But I see it in the first interruption, the first change in tone. There are those moments when no amount of re-direction will do -- it is like a water balloon being filled and there's no stopping it until it explodes. Their rage (stinkin' thinking) has to be consciously taken for what it is and not be allowed to attack us in any psychically damaging way.
We as partners (you and I) have to love ourselves enough not to allow that to happen.
You and I can feel sorry for our partners of course, and feel helpless, compassionate, supportive, wishing we could say something that could turn our partners around to a brighter day (as a typical partner's role is familiar to doing, isn't it? but for us, much of it effective...that is why we end up feeling defeated and perhaps a little defective ourselves because there is no positive returns) but we need to remember we are NOT to blame for their way of processing disappointments.
I think the ADD brain is either flying by the seat of their pants or they require instant gratification. If they become disappointed, it is akin to a temper tantrum. And like some children, the more you try to coax them, the more it seems to feed the tantrum, I think.
Anyway, I hope this helps a little...
my own dh is in a mood right now, and this forum is really helping me distance myself from any further arguments :)
Its working Great!
Submitted by c ur self on
Its working great! You have to walk away, and make them look in the mirror. I like how you worded it... "dragged onto this rollercoaster and then told that I'm operating it." You know your a responsible adult, let him prove he can be one also. As long as we allow ourselves to be manipulated into shouldering the responsibility for another adult, wearing ourselves out, with no appreciation, but a lot of blame, they have us right where they want us...but you are figuring it out! :-) Being the flag man trying to help avoid the train wrecks gets old... And it's not suppose to be that way, because all we have to do is take a good look at ourselves to see the side effects. So now I just listen and when the world shaking events start spilling out, I offer comments like...Well I'm sure you will make the right decision. The when the manipulation starts or guilt trips come, I just refuse to take her monkeys...With ADD there must be barriers, or chaos will reign! I will pray for you...