I am trying a new way of dealing with my significant other's funk/drama/blaming me for his negative feelings. He is depressed because he is having a lot of trouble getting a job. Yesterday was our anniversary and he sat home (we don't live together) and moped because he got a job rejection. I am sad for him, and supportive, and didn't give him a hard time. Since he feels bad about himself, he is blaming our relationship, the people who aren't hiring him, etc. for his unhappiness. He has untreated ADD symptoms and is not seeking help. Every time his self-esteem gets this low, everything in his life seems dark. He blows up, hurts my feelings and then acts like he has to consider how he feels about our relationship while I sit and wait. He doesn't admit it, but he wants me to keep chasing after him. When I do, he uses it as an opportunity to create conflict, perhaps because it is stimulating to him or he has no other outlet.
So this is what I am doing: I state that I care about him and then I just let things be. He can't handle anyone else's feelings right now, and I am okay with that because for once I don't feel like I need his validation. He tries to pull me into fights or to get me to spill my feelings to him by saying emotionally-instigating things, and I'm not feeding into it this time. I am not letting him in on my feelings until he respects them. Why should I keep opening up to someone who isn't reciprocating or cooperating? I am just going to try to be happy and be myself, and his attempts at provoking me can stand on their own. If he wants to start being nice then he can come to the table on his own.
He tries to have control and make things about him by undermining our emotional trust by throwing the whole relationship onto shaky ground, which usually causes me to want to talk things out, and then he pulls away more or is more obscure about his feelings. Not this time! It is not my turn to do more than my part again. I am not going to do the heavy lifting anymore for someone who doesn't respect me or my feelings and wants to blame his misery on someone else. I have apologized for my part in our arguments and he has not apologized for his. I have tried to cheer him up and he has not tried to care for my feelings. Usually he expresses that he is upset with "us" by not talking to me. Now I'm not initiating contact for once and he is. I don't know if this is a solution for the relationship, but it is a solution for me right now. I am tired of him dragging me down. I am not someone who likes drama. I will not be dragged onto this rollercoaster and then told that I'm operating it.
Has anyone else tried this? How has it worked/not worked for you?