two steps forwat 5 step back

So I am the ADHEer and I thought I was doing right by focusing on our marriage but I guess I was hyper focusing, Now I feel like I have just taken a big leap back, among other things I still don't know how to please my wife, I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around her I am so scared of losing her it is driving me nuts. Yes on meds Yes seeing a therapist, but marriage is still a question of I DON'T KNOW, I am so afraid the she might be having other intentions. any non-adhd spouse have any advice how to comfort and give relief to my wife.

Ask your wife. Ask her what

Ask your wife. Ask her what she needs from you. Ask her to write it down. Give her a day..two days... a week to come up with the list if that is what it takes. Be patient. Let her know that you want to know specifically and clearly what she wants/needs from you and make it clear that you're not expecting any off the cuff answers, but want her to take her time and put it in writing so that there are no misunderstandings and miscommunications. Then, be willing to work with her on the list one item at a time. Chances are, if you're that scared of losing her, you are hyperfocusing..but use it to your advantage to create some changes in your marriage.

At the same time, you need to decide what you need from her too...but for now, you need to focus on making changes in you and being what she needs. Eventually, she'll have to make changes too. I'm guessing she's angry and frustrated (judging from the eggshells comment). You have to take a leap of faith and trust that no matter what, you're going to be OK..but the very best place to start getting the answers to your questions is from your wife. Not crying and begging and pleading...but calmly letting her know that you care what she needs and need her to let her know what that is. Be willing to hear her needs and do what you can to provide what she needs is your best bet. Is she going to counseling with you?

Good Luck! Keep us posted!

Here is the thing

I feel like she does not want to talk about us a lot and I always want to talk about us, I need structure, she hates planning every day.  She is free sprited,  which I love. I am a worry wort.  We are distant due to a job I had to take in Michigan and she is in Arizona.  I try and try and I don't know I guess I am at the point were I am mentally tired. So confused and lost I really don't know where to begin. I try to fix everything over a phone and she is just overwhelmed with all the questions and pushiness from me. Kinda feels like are roles reversed lol. I am the emotional wreck and she is the passive one.

DF's picture


Your first paragraph is 95% my situation.  Your second one goes into detail and that's where we differ in our situations, not just distance.  It's been my carefree aloofness that has had my wife stressed for years in trying to come in after me and take care of another child in her life - me.

I too am hyperfocused on my marriage right now.  SherriW has great insight, especially what she wrote above.  Sometimes she scares me with her responses to other bloggers since I have to keep believing in hope.  But I also believe that she believes in those of us that are really wanting to make an effort to fix ourselves and make life easier and better for the people we care the most about.

SherriW - I'm not trying to hyperfocus on you I promise!  It's just a coincidence I swear!   ;)

I would never want to post

I would never want to post something that gave someone reason not to believe in hope, although there are some cases where I don't have much hope for the situation myself. I hope you don't take my posts as being 'without hope' because, in spite of how it might sound, I am the eternal hopeful fool, most of the time. I have my moments. ;-)

I am on the flip side of the coin, I am the non-ADHD spouse, and I've been married for 13 1/2 years and we only got the diagnosis 9 months ago. With the exception of a few times in our marriage, my husband always appeared to be 'trying' but without the diagnosis it WAS like swimming upstream. What was it he was "trying" to make better? Who knew? Right now he's in counseling (I have quit going with him for a while because he has some issues he needs to deal with on his own) but meds didn't work (tried 2, made him very hostile and mean, so he quit and refuses to try non-stimulant ones) and he is currently visiting the 'dark side' of ADHD where he withdraws from his family and isolates himself from life. S...l..o...w...l...y seeing some reasons to have hope that he's coming back around...but cautiously optimistic at this point.

I have a lot to learn about ADHD and a 'day in the life' of my husband...but I am as committed to learning all I can as I am to him and our marriage. I want to understand and empathize. I want him to understand as well...and empathize. We're two very different people...but we love each other very much. I am so very, very glad that I still love would break my heart for the day to come that love died.

You have to keep trying, you have to try even when you feel like it is the biggest waste of your time EVER...this applies to ANYONE in a marriage who needs to improve on the kind of partner they are. This applies to myself as well. Currently in a battle be the wife I want to be in the face of being shut out and him sleeping in the den. (A dealbreaker for me, but I'm trying to be patient and hopeful...foolish as it feels sometimes).

Hang in there...glad I can help, sorry I discouraged you, but in your situation, I feel very hopeful for you for the simple fact that you're facing the ADHD effect on your marriage head on and willing to acknowledge it, own it, and change it. Be patient. (yeah, there's that word again...not one of my virtues either).