Let me say, first and foremost. I love my wife. I love her with all my heart, and I would go to the ends of the earth and do anything physically possible for her. I am attracted to her in every way. She is everything an ADDer like me would be attracted to, plus sooooo much more. She is my "distraction" most of the time. I have to try not to daydream about her during my work days and projects. I really could make a whole page of the things I love about her... but with all that... I am unable to make her happy.
she has "checked out", gone cold, and put up a wall that seems unscalable. She has had one disappointment too much from me. Her hurt, turned anger, has turned into cold apathy. "I don't even care to try" she says "I just don't have faith that you'll ever change" I think the abusive words when she was angry hurt less. at least with her anger my ADD brain thrust me into defensiveness so I could avoid any blame.(for the record, I'm not condoning defensiveness) those words though. and the look of disappointment on her face... A look like I've never seen before. If I could imagine what a thousand knives stabbed into my heart simultaneously felt like, that would be what I felt. As she explained how she felt alone, rejected, ignored, and like I didn't give a shit about her, my knees began to shake. I began to feel sick, and dizzy. My heart pounding on my chest like it was trying to get out and run away. All the words adding up to say "I don't believe I want to be married to you, and I think it was a mistake."
what do you say?... My brain must have ran through a thousand different word choice and reaction scenarios. I can only imagine the dumb frozen look on my face for the seconds before breaking into tears. thinking to myself. "how could I not know I'm doing this to her"? "How broken and faulty am I?"
the only thing to come out loud was a soft "I'm so sorry"
You should have seen her face... Her eyes... the pure, unhidden pain. What kind of man could do this? What kind of person would cause this in someone he says he loves you to?
The amazing thing about that day... I heard her. buried beneath a thousand ton of my own pain. I heard her. I felt for her. I didn't blame her. I understood. but maybe too late...
Her heart opened for that moment. long enough to cry out in pain. A moment without anger, arrogance, or judgment. Just the hurt, and loneliness. And as quickly as it was open, It closed. tight. Since then I have witnessed a little anger. otherwise receiving cold nothing. A couple nights of sleeping alone. Zero communication except for short, nondescript, annoyed answers in response to my vain attempts at communication and some sort of reconnection. There is a small amount of recognizing I exsist, but mostly because I make it hard not to notice that I'm trying everything I can to reach through.
after days in a row of this, my anxiety is so high my adderal gives me heart palpitations, I haven't slept in days, and my ability to focus has left the building. My feeling of self worth is through the floor, I've become quiet and secluded in social or work/social setting. I have become hyper focused on my ADD, but I'm not sure in a healthy way.
She has become... secretive (secretive may be extreme, but she goes places, or doesn't come home for a long time after work and won't give any detail about she was doing) In what little conversation I was able to get (after a whole evening of being avoided and finally finding her already in bed hiding behind her computer), I expressed my interest in her day, told her I had missed her, and thanked her for the note informing me she would not be home until later. and then politely asked her what she had had going on this afternoon... her reply... "not much" followed by shutting her computer, setting it aside, pulling up the covers and rolling over, her back to me... I laid there in the dark for a moment... a soft "good night" is what I said to her, with only silence as a reply. as I lay there in the dark... Alone... Next to who I had believed to be my soul mate, in the silence, my brain fluttering in every direction. Helpless, like a stack of papers in a wind storm, all there is left to do is cry.
as the tears form, and i'm feeling even more humiliated (I know no one can see me cry, but its a guy thing), I suddenly only hear, in my head, my wife telling me off for feeling sorry for my self, and realize I cant cry here. so I get up and leave the room, half hoping as I walk to the door that she would notice, maybe even ask if something was wrong. She doesn't stir. Like I was never there.
Helpless... I'm not sure if there is a word that better describes me. I don't know how to act, what to say, or do. I don't dare try and win her over with more empty promises that I can't keep. I only know one thing I can promise for sure. I will fail to meet her expectations, and will let her down again, and again, and again...
Alone... very alone. I am a lemon. a full lifetime guarantee to disappoint.