Uncomfortable, and losing friends

I am feeling unhappy about the position that dh's add has put me in. He has a really bad temper, and lots of irritability. He does not want to "babysit" our kids. This all results in me having very few friends-- I hardly ever get to go out without the kids, and I'm so busy with work and all of the chores and shopping that I can't even seem to find the time to meet a friend with a similar-aged child for a cup of coffee. A year ago, dh was arrested when I called 911 because he was drunk and angry and made some serious threats. He says he was not serious, and I was not sure if he was either, but it's not a chance I was going to take. The police evidently thought it was serious enough to cart him to jail. I left with the kids for a while. Now he is on ADD medication (NOT because of that, of course, but because several months afterwards, he decided that medication would help him focus more on his guitar practice...) and things are better, at least from 8am to 7pm. But the whole neighborhood has seen/heard his antics. And his arresting officer lives nearby and has kids the same age, in some of the same activities that my daughter is in. It is uncomfortable and embarrassing to stand around in the same room with this off-duty officer waiting for our kids. Not to mention, I am so stressed out that I am yelling more than I should and am cranky now too, and I'm sure the other moms see that.  I feel like my whole life has been destroyed. I am lonely at home, and lonely everywhere else. It would be great if I had the time or money to go take some fun class or something, but of course, he got laid off 6 weeks ago (I guess that's what happens when you mouth off to anyone in the office who doesn't "treat you with respect", and walk out at 5 every day regardless of whether the work is done, because it's not your problem).... guess who will be working harder to make up the lost income. I am exhausted with doing all of the child care, shopping, working full time... just thinking, remembering, organizing, and accomplishing every single thing for my 2 minor children and 1 adult baby, the house, bills, everyone's clothing, shoes, food, baths, cleaning, homework, all of it. I do everything, yet I am nothing. It's a good thing I don't get invited to parties, because I don't even have anything to say anymore.

MariS-

I'm so sorry this is happening with you.  It is so hard- you want to feel proud of your husband, but instead you are embarrassed.  Try not to let your sense of shame isolate you. I can relate to that "babysitting the kids" issue.  Worse, the times I made my husband "babysit" I was sorry- everybody was crying.  

And %#@&-  do they ALL play the guitar?!?  I am beginning to think "guitar playing" should be included as a symptom in the DSM.  

I can relate to your loneliness.  At times, that's the worst part.  I never knew how lonely married life could be.  There are times that I look at my husband and start to say something, then realize how pointless it is to try to "communicate" with someone who can't hear me, and wouldn't care about what I said if he could hear me.  Unless of course it was something to do with famous guitar players, or something inane that he saw on television.  

Anyway, its good that you're here.  You will have a lot of wonderful people to talk to here.  It will help.

OMG!!!

I am ADD and I play guitar!!!!  Too funny. 

Frick re: OMG! (wayne, Mr. Bucket- I need you

I believe this calls for an informal poll- we'll do a call out.  Wayne?  Mr. Bucket?  I participated in your unsavory poll.  Tell us about this "guitar playing" thing.

Mine does too...and it is the

Mine does too...and it is the focus of his latest 'obsession'...funny this came up, it is a huge part of the reason for my shitty attitude this a.m....I would like to take every last one of them and make a trip to the pawn shop (or dump...if he hadn't invested $$$$ in them over the years) this a.m. Surprise!!! >:-(

IWell,  my husband does not

Well,  my husband does not play guitar.  He used to play the drums...I'd rather the guitar.  Haha.  Thank goodness his parents convinced him to donate his set to the Church.

christina re: thanks for playing...

Before you commit to your answer, check and see if at ANY point in his life your husband played the guitar...  For the purposes of this poll, we will count it!

guitars.

Not here, Hwepawned MY guitar. SO does Air guitar while I'm trying to converse with him count?

Topaz re: air guitar

For the purposes of this poll- yes- air guitar DOES count.  PRETENDING to play the devil's instrument may be even more nefarious than ACTUALLY doing it.

waynebloss's picture

Hmmm I do not play but...

I do not play but i can see where playing the guitar allows us to hyperfocus without getting into trouble.  There is always movement from both hands and playing the guitar uses both sides of the brain which has shown to increase the adrenaline in our bodies.  You all know that we ADDers need that wonderful adrenaline sensation to help us clear out minds from the speeding train that never stops! 

That is my best guess, for me it is computers, and NO I do not play games, I build them for myself and others as well as teach college classes on computers.  My first love, the thing that gets my adrenaline flowing, (No it is not sex, haven't had that since Jan 2010), it is my kids!  Ages 6 and 5 and I LOVE to play with them, watch them and interact with them!  They are one of the main reasons I changed from my A$$HOLE, ADD excuse for my actions man.  I changed for me, but when I heard what or how I effected my kids with my behavior...IT KILLED ME!  Sorry, cannot and will not do anything to make their lives a living hell because I am self-centered stupid sh&$ blame my actions, my life on ADD because my "manhood" is shoved up my own A$$ and I cannot pull it out!  (Sorry, just had a ADD moment, guess the meds have worn off!) 

Each of us with ADD have our own unique way to finding something that allows us to be us without the fallout.  Some just go to extremes and want the fallout, some of us just want play guitar or play with the kiddos!

 

Wayne

I'm So Exhausted's picture

I can relate to the loneliness

I can relate to several of the things you mentioned.

1.  My husband did not babysit.  He was such a crab, I chose not to leave the kids with him.  He just yelled and lost his patience.

2.  I  have slowly lost most of our friends - or at least have lost contact.  My ADD husband always felt inferior if anyone appeared to have a better financial status than we did.  He couldn't even enjoy family get-togethers with anyone who had a higher income than we did.  He accused our friends of being stuck up - which was not the case.  My husband was the snob - for lack of a better word.

waynebloss's picture

"felt inferior if anyone

"felt inferior if anyone appeared to have a better financial status than we did.  He couldn't even enjoy family get-togethers with anyone who had a higher income than we did"  That was the man part not the ADD part!  We are always in competition with everyone, and when someone has something we would like to have without doing the work to get it then we revert back to our high school days and be a shit!  I used to do this, and in my mind I would like to some nicer things, but now I do not care if you have more money than me, just to do not flaunt it, show it off or try to make me jealous, it will not work.  Just because you have money you are not rich.  You need God, love, laughter, kids, and true good friends....not money to be rich.

 

Wayne

If knowing that you're not

If knowing that you're not alone helps, then you're NOT alone. :-(

Although he will deny it to the ends of the Earth, my husband was very calculated in his attempts to surgically remove every friend I had during the first few years of our marriage...he, too, was not comfortable with me having ANY contact with anyone but him. He thought all of my friends were trouble..hated him..would certainly convince me to leave him, etc. If they called wanting me to do something, he would pitch a fit and make me regret even asking. If he did manage to find it in his heart to watch the kids so I could go out, he would call me constantly and if I weren't home when he figured I should be there was hell to pay. I'm not afraid of him, just got so sick of hearing it that I just gave up and quit doing anything with anyone. Did he go out? Sure...anytime he wanted. Not with his friends at that point, mostly just hanging out with my brother (police officer) and doing ride alongs anytime he wanted. At one point he even flat out said that we didn't need friends, we had each other...then when he started reconnecting with old friends from his past and wanting to do things with them, the rules changed dramatically. By this point I hadn't had anything to do with my friends for years. I've slowly rebuilt those friendships.

This is one of the biggest regrets I have...that I let him do this to me and my friendships. It is uncomfortable for me to be around some of them knowing the trouble I let him cause. Is there ANYONE who would watch your kids? Family? Friends? You really are going to have to make it #1 priority to get some 'alone' time for yourself before you implode.

I really am sorry..your story is heartbreaking. I wish you all the best. We're here for a sounding board, it really does help.

(((HUGs))) Sherri

I can really relate to what

I can really relate to what you're saying, MariS. My ex-husband drove a wedge between me and everyone else I knew except him. He'd be politely friendly to my friends and family but when they were gone he'd go on rants fueled by his insecurity, saying he didn't like them because he thought they looked at him funny or "didn't like" him or whatever. He didn't put any pressure on me to keep him and them separate - it just was easier that way and I gradually made that reality mine without it being a conscious decision.

Then he alienated me/us from our neighbors - because when he'd go on one of his explosive anger jags, he would open up the screen door and scream and shout obscenities into the air. We were living in a condo so everyone six units in any direction heard everything every time he'd lose his temper. We became the couple the neighbors would discuss in hushed voices, and they would avert their eyes and ignore us when we crossed paths in the hallway.

And it's terrible because all these things seem superficially to fit the pattern of abusive relationships, even though most of us who get into these relationships with ADDers are not the type who would settle for any such abuse. I certainly wasn't, and he and I always managed to talk through his meltdowns and discuss tools and strategies to continually work toward improving our relationship. We were actually doing very well with dealing with the aftermath of his ADD behaviors, so that wasn't the reason we divorced - in the end it was because he cheated on me so much and was dragging his heels about taking the meds that I thought would give us the best chance of really minimizing the emergence of the problematic behaviors in the first place.

So that's when your whole support network breaks down - everyone who cares about you sees it from the outside as an "abusive relationship" or they think you've chosen to be with a "loser" and they can't understand why you're still there; it probably seems out of character to them that you would choose to stick with such a person despite the challenges. Like another poster said in a different thread, the expectation in our society is you either leave the person or you stop complaining. They can't understand why you would stand beside your spouse and fight with/for him for so long. And yet if it was cancer that was causing major problems in their/your life, nobody would expect you to leave or stay and stop complaining. Then it would be encouraging you to "share" so you can "process your grief/stress/emotions" and your support circle would be glad to step in and play their part because with that kind of challenge it's expected that they support you.

Truly, those of us who have stood by our loved ones with ADHD have fought or are fighting a battle that few can understand.  I'm so glad for this forum too. It's the first and only place where I've found anyone who "gets it."

Stay strong. Ask yourself if staying in the relationship is the right thing for you, because if he isn't willing to accept his responsibility in making it better for both of you then maybe it truly isn't. The status quo is clearly not making you happy and isn't allowing anyone involved to become the best person they can be.