Unconditional Love

Over the years dh has talked a lot about "unconditional love" as though it is the holy grail for all relationships.  Me, always one to try to see "all sides" to every coin, tried to accomadate this notion toward my own "growth" and liberal perspective. He would treat me like I was invisible, do and say hurtful things and then at night say to me, "A good marriage means to never go to bed angry." In other words, it was up to me to do all the work of forgiving him for his lack of love and then forget, forgive and love him - I did that....stuffing how it really made me feel.  That is why I am in the position I am now in.... unhappy with my life - not able to respect myself. Now, I realize that taken in the wrong way, as in "You must love me no matter what I do or say." it can be manipulative and harmful.  Here is a quote that says it like I am trying to say it:

“Unconditional love is like a country of two with no laws and no government. Which is all fine if everyone is peaceful and law abiding. In the wrong hands, though, you got looting and crime sprees, and let me tell you, the people who demand unconditional love are usually the ones who will rob and pillage and then blame you because you left your door unlocked.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming

Oh yes,  now after all the love and forgiveness and stuffing I did, I can take the onus of "enabler" and "co-dependent".

Do not try to have unconditional love with someone who is not loving to you.  Do not give your life away to someone who does not care for you.

I am going to read the book "The Secret Life of Prince Charming."