Understanding

I first joined this site just over a year ago.  At the time I was so frustrated in my marriage, it was an impossible situation.  My wife who I believe has ADD also found our situation impossible, but blamed me entirely for this, saying my behaviour was "unacceptable" and I needed to change.  She however was "all right".

At the end of November last year she left the marital home and now lives in another city.

It was "agreed" that our separation would be permanent and she even "agreed" to a financial settlement in December last year.  We also "agreed" to delay any divorce.  However although the marriage had ended her affliction continued to ruin my life in that all the problems I had with her when together continued to cause me stress and frustration. She failed to honour her agreement, ( an oft repeated pattern),  and I was advised that the only way I could gain any cooperation from her was to divorce her, which I did on the grounds of her abusive behaviour towards me.  She has fought every step of the  way, has delayed responding to my solicitor on practically every occasion, delays from several weeks to on the last occasion, two months.  The divorce went through in August this year, but the court queried a consent order for the financial agreement we finally made through solicitors and it is this she delayed responding to for two months after which I still don't know if the court have approved the order.

She has made all sorts of false accusations about me through her solicitors e.g. claiming that I have hidden assets which I am not disclosing and that I threatened her with physical violence.  Her beliefs about me appear delusional.

I believe that during our short marriage and since, despite her extreme provocation, I have been very tolerant of her behaviour. It does appear that I am now very close to being free of her, but I consider that her behaviour over the last five years a) caused me to have a nervous breakdown in 2008, b) caused me to be estranged from two of my daughters, (by a previous marriage) and c) generally caused me such stress over  the years that I believe the consequent damage to my immune system has contributed to the cancer I have now been diagnosed with.

I am thankful to this web site because it has helped me understand that she is not to blame for being the way she is.  It did at one point make me think that there may have been some hope for us, but her extremely defensive stance in denying in any way that she might have had some part to play in our marital breakdown made any reconciliation impossible.

Some days I feel sad for her, because she has now had three failed marriages and hasn't even begun to recognise what the main issue is.  But I am mainly left angry that what little life I have left, (I don't yet fully know what my prognosis) is of a very reduced quality as a consequence of her cognitive impairment.  I am frustrated, that she continues to affect those around her and continues to affect me by the tales she tells of me and there is now nothing I can do about this.

ADD is a terrible and largely hidden affliction which affects those who suffer it and those around them.  My frustration is that I was unable to deal with it and despite the fact that I did love my (ex) wife and only feel anger rather than hate or bitterness, I now feel I am better off without her in my life at all despiute the financial and health consequences.

 

 

Living with someone who has

Living with someone who has ADHD and denies it's impact is truly devastating. There is no other way to put it. A few finally realize what is happening and take steps to make some real changes and others just continue with their denial, indignant all the way to their divorce proceedings...and into their next relationship.

I am so very sorry to hear the impact it has all had on you. I will never be able to wrap my mind around how ADHD is THIS bad, even though I am married to someone who is in denial as well. I had to detach before I let his ADHD kill me. I truly pray your prognosis is good!

Please take care of yourself and focus on your health and not on her antics and revenge tactics. ADHD is very ugly when it isn't treated or recognized as a problem...you reacted as any human would and from the sounds of it, you are better off without her.