Understanding your non- ADHD spouse ?

I have recently found out that I have ADHD, Now to make a long story short I am deployed to Iraq and had some marriage problems, digging it out of my wife I found out she was thinking about leaving me when I returned, that she was not happy and has not been happy for a long time.  Doing some hard talking with her we both discovered ADHD and the effect it had on our marriage.  It was such a relief and now we both are wanting us to be together again but have hit some road blocks, let me explain and hopefully someone has gone though this and can lend a hand. 


I have talk to my wife about emotional connection, trust, fear, and intimacy.  Both of us understood why we feel these feeling are gone or being a problem.  Now I want to understand the actual feelings what causes them how to treat them.  I believe they all play apart in each other.  Emotional connection is when you have lost that spark for your spouse, you lost the love you once felt about them, you often see nothing but all the negative things they do.  You cannot have a intiment relationship because when it is time for intimacy you have no love or passion in the mix. Intimacy now becomes a chore or something you do to hide or dodge telling your spouse you lost the want to be with them. You then often lie about where you are and what you are doing. You don't want confutation because from past experiences talking about your feelings was not help full and most often made you feel worse. Now you have trust issues. when you do finally get thought to your spouse or before do I should say you have a feeling that this is not going to get better, these feelings keep coming back and I cannot live like this anymore. Once your spouse realizes this and comes to terms with his actions hopefully he gets help and tries to fix his behavior, He starts to understanding your feeling and wanting to change. Although this is a positive move the spouse still has fear that things wont change and why put all the effort into this relationship, seems like a waste of time to them.  going through marital problems can be overwhelming and scary at times. The spouse sits and waits to see if things fall into place, kinda a sign that says its going to be ok you can open up now.  My belief is that fist you must understand yours and your spouses feeling from outside the box.  Don't look at yourself and when she is telling you how she feels, try to put yourself in her shoes.  Also both partners need to understand that things are not going to fall into place some things might but you have to work on your marriage problems not just sit back and hope for the best.  The spouse is very reserved and holing back because she don't want to put her self out here again to get hurt.

How do I get past this I am not really sure. Some how she need to fell a since of security and confidence. She needs to let go of her fear and embrace this time because this is the start of a new relationship. I ask her to seek counseling but because before all the blame was put on her it made her feel crazy. Now that she knows that she is not.  The idea of seeking a consoler is out of the question, it would make her feel like she is the crazy one again.  so where do I go from here. I believe there are more issues than this but I believe these play the biggest part.  Another issue that is more hard for me to understand is that I don't feel like she is wanting to take some time to understand us. What I mean is sometimes instead of going out stay home and read about our marriage problems , write things down , send a email asking question about things you don't understand.  I don't mind if she goes out but it does bother me.  I have not figured out the underling reason issues with this. I really try not to let this bother me but sometimes it does.

I just had a thought though, what if she is trying to suppress her feelings because she has fear of getting hurt, by going out and having a good time she does not have to think about her feeling ans are problems.  I know she has anxiety issues she has told me.  Maybe it is overwhelming her to much and she feels like she just wants freedom form the hurt I caused her.  If this is the case how do I get her past it.

These are some thoughts I had today and just writing them down and see what people think.

Your situation is unique in

Your situation is unique in that you have to just take a huge leap of faith in your wife. I can't imagine what is must be like for you to have to worry while you're so far away from home. Have you talked to her about your fears? Maybe ask for an agreement that as long as you're deployed and unable to physically be with her, that she will promise to be faithful? You want her to be able to go out and do things she enjoys, I see that you're trying to understand the importance of this for her. At the same time you're at a very crucial point in your marriage where you're feeling a little overwhelmed with the "what if's" of her going out while you're away. That is all normal and there is nothing wrong with you feeling that way. Does she tell you she is just going out with friends? Does she offer you reassurances? Does she know your fears? Are you being honest with her? It is obvious, and that is OK, that you're worried she'll 'move on'. Just tell her "I love you and I want you to be free to do the things you enjoy without having to worry about me being upset with you...all I ask in return is that you reassure me that you're not doing it to find someone else" or something to that effect. No reasonable wife would deny her husband, esepcially with your unusually difficult circumstance, a little reassurance. Give her your word that you're working on you, and mean it.

If you want to go to counseling with her when you return home, then I think that is also reasonable for you to ask. It could possibly give her some reassurances too, that you ARE really accepting the responsibility for the issues your ADHD brings to the marriage and doing everything possible to replace these issues with healthier options. However, I don't think it is fair of you, right now, to ask her or push her to go to counseling if she isn't willing to go. You asking her to go, alone, could be seen as you 'blaming' her. Focus on you and when you get back to the states maybe she'll be willing to go with you. In most ADHD marriages, both partners ARE adding to the issues, and hopefully eventually she'll grow to trust your changes and she'll want to get the help she might need to become a better wife and to help her understand more about ADHD.

One last thing...you talk about how you feel the emotional intimacy dies when you lose the loving feeling for your spouse. Focus on loving each other through God's eyes...and not through human eyes. When you do focus only on the negative, it is hard to feel anything but anger and resentment...and there is no hope for intimacy. Replace the old hurts that lead to this with new hope. You can create emotional intimacy with her no matter where you are.

If I haven't thanked you already, thank you for your service. My heart goes out to you that you're where you are dealing with all of that and having to deal with your other issues on top of it all. I think you're doing great and are very aware of things you should be aware of.

Just had a ADHD moment

Ok so this is a ADHD moment hmm got it.  I thought because I can concentrate on one thought at a time I could solve my marital issues,  I hyper focus on them and pushed myself into anxiety and then just had the ADHD moment, thank god I noticed before I talk to my wife and made myself look like a fool.  Any advice as far as the best thing I can do over here to help my wife or be productive for her.  Know this though most things are better said face to face.