Understanding your non- ADHD spouse ?

I have recently found out that I have ADHD, Now to make a long story short I am deployed to Iraq and had some marriage problems, digging it out of my wife I found out she was thinking about leaving me when I returned, that she was not happy and has not been happy for a long time.  Doing some hard talking with her we both discovered ADHD and the effect it had on our marriage.  It was such a relief and now we both are wanting us to be together again but have hit some road blocks, let me explain and hopefully someone has gone though this and can lend a hand. 


I have talk to my wife about emotional connection, trust, fear, and intimacy.  Both of us understood why we feel these feeling are gone or being a problem.  Now I want to understand the actual feelings what causes them how to treat them.  I believe they all play apart in each other.  Emotional connection is when you have lost that spark for your spouse, you lost the love you once felt about them, you often see nothing but all the negative things they do.  You cannot have a intiment relationship because when it is time for intimacy you have no love or passion in the mix. Intimacy now becomes a chore or something you do to hide or dodge telling your spouse you lost the want to be with them. You then often lie about where you are and what you are doing. You don't want confutation because from past experiences talking about your feelings was not help full and most often made you feel worse. Now you have trust issues. when you do finally get thought to your spouse or before do I should say you have a feeling that this is not going to get better, these feelings keep coming back and I cannot live like this anymore. Once your spouse realizes this and comes to terms with his actions hopefully he gets help and tries to fix his behavior, He starts to understanding your feeling and wanting to change. Although this is a positive move the spouse still has fear that things wont change and why put all the effort into this relationship, seems like a waste of time to them.  going through marital problems can be overwhelming and scary at times. The spouse sits and waits to see if things fall into place, kinda a sign that says its going to be ok you can open up now.  My belief is that fist you must understand yours and your spouses feeling from outside the box.  Don't look at yourself and when she is telling you how she feels, try to put yourself in her shoes.  Also both partners need to understand that things are not going to fall into place some things might but you have to work on your marriage problems not just sit back and hope for the best.  The spouse is very reserved and holing back because she don't want to put her self out here again to get hurt.

How do I get past this I am not really sure. Some how she need to fell a since of security and confidence. She needs to let go of her fear and embrace this time because this is the start of a new relationship. I ask her to seek counseling but because before all the blame was put on her it made her feel crazy. Now that she knows that she is not.  The idea of seeking a consoler is out of the question, it would make her feel like she is the crazy one again.  so where do I go from here. I believe there are more issues than this but I believe these play the biggest part.  Another issue that is more hard for me to understand is that I don't feel like she is wanting to take some time to understand us. What I mean is sometimes instead of going out stay home and read about our marriage problems , write things down , send a email asking question about things you don't understand.  I don't mind if she goes out but it does bother me.  I have not figured out the underling reason issues with this. I really try not to let this bother me but sometimes it does.

I just had a thought though, what if she is trying to suppress her feelings because she has fear of getting hurt, by going out and having a good time she does not have to think about her feeling ans are problems.  I know she has anxiety issues she has told me.  Maybe it is overwhelming her to much and she feels like she just wants freedom form the hurt I caused her.  If this is the case how do I get her past it.

These are some thoughts I had today and just writing them down and see what people think.