Undiagnosed ADHD Spouse...and Type A

I see myself in so many posts here. I finally feel like I'm not alone....and maybe things are not THAT bad. Still, at the moment, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope; however, I know that it will pass...but not without lasting damage.

My husband and I have been together for 4 years; married 2 1/2. He is the generous, funny, hard-working, helps around the house, very loving and kind. People love him and say that we are an awesome couple...so in love....and that we are lucky to have each other. I hate to complain, because 70-80% of the time, things are fabulous....and then a bit of stress comes our way or a difference in opinion, and it all goes south. I go through stretches of "walking on eggshells" and avoiding him in order to keep things peaceful. He is a Type A personality and is anything but lazy and disorganized, yet he has some extremely strong behaviors that lead me to believe that ADHD may be the main culprit: 

  • Quick temper - Overreacts and is quick to criticize every little thing I do. Easily turns into "rages", breaks/hits things (but never me)
  • Very critical of others, easily annoyed. However, he puts on a "face" and people think he's great, while he critcizes behind their back
  • Was on Ritalin as a child; was always in trouble growing up
  • Pot user - Uses it moderately on a weekly (I believe) basis. I really have a hard time telling he's using. I believe he is self medicating to slow his mind down. He claims that he started being "less of an asshole" when he started smoking it when he was 20 (he's now 38)
  • Mind races - never stops. He has told me this many times.
  • Always on-the-go - tons of energy, can't "do nothing" or just relax> No one can keep up with him. 

The biggest issue of all of these is his critical nature/temper. It's unbearable. I find myself agreeing with him just to keep the peace. He is extremely opinionated (it's black or white...never gray), and if he is in any way challenged, he just won't let it go (mainly with me and his close friends). If something goes wrong, he generally finds a way to point a finger at me. Rather than trying to solve the problem or take reasonability for his part, he twists everything to be my fault. He has zero tolerance for anything outside of his realm of thinking or for any type of "failure". Yet, if he makes a mistake, it's a different story. He comes across as very condescending....which really pisses me off. I am so careful not to "damage" his ego by putting him down (even when he messes up), yet he does it to me over trivial things.

When things are good, though, I can do no wrong. I am amazing and he can't tell me enough how much he love and appreciates me.

When I first met him, he was smoking pot quite a bit (yet, still very productive, good job, etc.). I couldn't even tell he was a little high/buzzed. He actually had to tell me that it was something he did. I was not okay with that and he promised to quit. Now, four years later, he has cut back significantly, but has never full quit for more than a month or two. It still bothers me that he does it (behind my back), but I've learned to more or less let it go. Plus, he is so much easier to get along with when he "self medicates". The problem is, it's roller coaster ride. He can't be high all the time. So, when he goes without, I suspect the withdrawal brings his Type A and ADHD tendencies to the surface. I also know he feel guilty and shameful that he hasn't/can't quit and than he also can't quit cigarettes. Sometimes I think his critical nature is a way of projecting his shame on others.

I know I am not a perfect person or wife. I don't want to blame everything on him. Marital issues are a two-way street. However, I highly suspect that there is something bigger going on here. The ADHD seems to make a bit of sense of his behavior. The blaming, finger-pointing, and overreacting to every little "issue" is just not normal. It weights heavily on my state-of-mind (depressing) and my self-confidnence. Is it an anger management issue? Or, is the anger part of the ADHD?