unfaithful

I do not know how to get over someone being unfaithful.  If i understand from your book, you have went thru this.  Any suggests or ideas?

I know you're not talking to

I know you're not talking to me, I didn't write a book, but I can maybe help you...

You briefly mentioned in your other post about his infidelity so without much to go on, I will tell you this...

I will start by saying that I know your pain. There is no 'rule book' on how you get past someone being unfaithful. However, I think if you think about what you need (this will differ from person to person) in order to regain your trust in him, then that is where you start. When I wanted my DH to talk about it, answer questions, then I expected him to do so. When I wanted full disclosure (cell phone, computer, etc) I expected it. ANY behavior that was sneaky, dishonest, or made me uncomfortable..I TOLD HIM ABOUT IT. Not saying he liked it, or that it always went well, but I was just flat out honest "this makes me uncomfortable". I even made him take our daughter places with him for a very long time because I did.not.trust.him!! If he didn't like that, tough shit. One night in particular, I was having a very hard time...struggling and feeling complete panic. I was afraid to wake him up, but I needed desperately to talk to him about it. I prayed about it and asked God to let his reaction be the answer to my question (is he really going to do what I need him to do in order to regain his trust?). I woke him up and he was LIVID! This was my 'sign', so to speak, from God that he was NOT willing to go above and beyond, for however long it took. I told him about my prayer and said "thanks for showing me just how unwilling you are to make right what you did to me. I am done with this entire situation" and his entire attitude changed. On a scale from 1 to 10 he probably gave 8 most of the time...but it was the times that he gave a 0 or 1 that really gave me great pause...and really fueled the fire of what would become the worst anger problem I had ever had. (towards him). I found out about his affair 12/17/09. He moved back home (she had gotten him an apartment) on 12/18/09. 

Fast forward to now...well over 2 years later...and to be honest, I am in a completely different place re: his infidelity. I went from being extremely devastated, to extremely scared, to extremely angry, to extremely anxious, to extremely terrified...to almost complete peace about it in the past 2 years. I (*insert 'you' where applicable*) cannot stop him from cheating again. Nothing I do, short of chaining him in the den, can prevent him from doing it if he wants to cheat again. I did not cause it, I did not deserve it, and I could not have prevented it with my actions or words. HE chose it, HE has to live with it, and HE is the only one who can choose to cheat (or not) in the future. I will not let it destroy me because I do not own it and I cannot control it. One particular week of complete and utter anxiety (back in Sept) was enough to push me over the edge and make me realize I either move forward, or I lay down and let it kill me. (literally...I was having various health issues, including high blood pressure). I not only stopped trying to control his cheating/not cheating...I stopped everything. I let go of my anger and just started trying to live...and find joy in my life again. I started working on ME. Why do I stay with someone who has cheated on me..twice? What is so wrong with me that I accept this behavior? I cannot change the past, what is done is done. I can say, without hesitation or reluctance, that if he cheats again there is nothing he could do, say, or promise me that would keep me from making him a part of a chapter in my life that will conclude right then and there. Done. THAT is the only peace I have about it. That is the only thing that makes me able to stay with him and not worry myself sick over whether he will cheat again. I KNOW that I will be OK if he does. HE knows the consequences...he seemed to truly suffer with guilt and remorse and if he is willing to shove that out of his mind and 'go there' again, then he better be ready to make a life with this new person because his life with me will cease to exist. Just taking back that control in my life has given me the peace I need to stay and give him the benefit of the doubt that he came so close to losing everything that he will NEVER forget that horrible feeling and he will NEVER want to 'go there' again. 

Ask for whatever you need from him...if he isn't willing to give it, then you have some very tough months ahead of you. I couldn't have done it...we would not be together if he hadn't given what he did...even though it was only about 80% most of the time, it was enough until I got myself together emotionally and realized that what I need to have peace about it was inside of me the whole time. ((((HUG))))

Having been that guy...

It is one of the most personally devastating periods of my life. I destroyed the woman that loved and cared for me than anyone else had in my life. There were issues between us that caused the affair-things she did but probably more because of my self-worth. 

By the grace of God, my wife became pregnant with the most beautiful girl. We struggled for several years but I had to commit to answer to her in the same way SherriW demanded. Justifiably so. 10 years later, I still personally deal with the guilt and shame of something so immoral. 

Im simply thankful she stood by me while I fell. It's been a struggle and still is in some regards, but she's there for me and I'm there for her with a tighter bond and commitment to each other. 

I believe these things happen not fully because of problems with the spouse but more so with a persons own self-image. Regretfully these things happen. But if the unfaithful aren't willing to accept full disclosure to help rebuild that trust and explore what caused the circumstance, then you owe it to yourself to take control of your life rather than be brought down by someone else's shortcomings. 

Its not an easy path to get back on track and takes a great deal of commitment and perseverance to restore a level of trust, faith, commitment and love. 

 

Thank you for your reply.

I was referring the post to Melissa.  I would like to thank you for your reply.  He will not even admit to the affair or anything else.  So i am dealing with this on my own.  He was married before he married me.  Everything i have found out he cheated on his first wife with the same person.  But he will not marry this person when he is single.  Your story has given me hope even thou it is heartbreaking.  I am glad you have made it to the other side.  THANK YOU!!!