Unglued-any help appreciated


I have been reading forums on this site for 4 years now. I have been dating a guy for 4 years that has ADD. We met while I was going through a divorce. He was fun, sweet, gave me all the attention I was not getting from my ex, etc. He was hyper-focused on me. Over time we moved in together and our relationship sounds identical to every post I have read all these years. I used to be madly in love with him. Madly attracted to him. Adored him like mad. You get the point. Believed because he had been treated since he was younger and was aware of his ADD (gave me Driven to Distraction to read to understand him 6 months into dating) that we would always conquer any ADD issues. He is on Adderall but takes all of it in a 2 week span staying up all night for days and then crashes and burns. Then for 2 weeks he becomes un-hinged. Turns out even though he is highly intelligent and knows a great deal about ADD, he does not want to address it. He just goes to his physician and gets his meds monthly. 6 months into dating he lost his job (we worked at the same company where we met). He has not worked since. I sound crazy staying with a guy who has not worked for 3 1/2 years I know. I still question myself on my own reasoning. I went to therapy for it. Even got him to go once with me and it went great but he was on his addrerall during the session so I was not surprised.

We have dealt with a great deal of stress. When we moved in together I ended up being the only one moving boxes and unpacking while he played video games ( I desperately wanted a nice home at the time) and I re-injured my back. I had a lower back fusion in my mid-twenties. We ended up on a roller coaster ride for a few years while I went through massive life threatening surgeries to pull out the hardware in my back that was penetrating my arteries and veins. I now have a spinal cord stimulator and am in my early 30's. It was rough on us. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere if I wanted to. At that point we both did not have jobs. His parents were supporting him and I had a government program helping me with my medical expenses until I was capable to work again. I am a strong willed woman and made it through. I am in a ton of pain still on pain meds but have been working for almost 2 years now. He is still not working. He says he is afraid of failure. I try very hard to listen to his needs and talk to him in the manner that he needs. Calm. Sometimes I raise my voice out of frustration and I feel bad but I can only take so much stress.

I have tried so hard for so long. Buying and reading every book there is on ADD, reading forums, sitting and calmly talking to him, going to therapy. Things change for a short while but then they go back to how they were. Avoidance of getting a job. Not helping around the house. The worst for me though is his attitude. He gets very annoyed with me just for asking a normal question or will say really mean things that are completely uncalled for and insensitive. I didn't grow up in a household with name-calling or yelling at a person to "shut up" or "be quiet". He can be downright disrespectful over nothing (he says later he gets very anxious and cannot handle talking, sounds, etc) and instead of being polite and just asking to have 20 mins to himself he just becomes mean. We have long talks where I explain to him I am always willing to work with his needs if he would express them in a respectful manner. He does it just fine on adderall but has no impulse control when off. 

It was very hard for me to leave my first marriage, but I really wanted a family and a person to love me unconditionally and treat me with respect. They way my father adored my mother. My mother has passed and she still is the apple in his eyes. I fear selfless, humble, romantic men like my father are a rare find and that I may never have that. I just want to feel appreciated, special, beautiful and adored like I was when we met. I have a tendency to hold onto "what we once were" in relationships always deluding myself that we can get back to that. The problem is I know my bf is a good man from a good family with good intentions, but he also is a man and needs to act like one and take charge. I am facing so many challenges in having a family with my back problems but more importantly my age is becoming the biggest hurdle. For me it is becoming sink or swim at this point. My grandmother gave my bf her ring 2 years ago when we had planned on getting engaged and since then I have tumultuous ups and downs and I don't know what to do. I am not financially in a place to just move out and live on my own. I still have hope he will want to get a job as he tells me constantly and is adamant he wants to marry me and have a family. I feel if that is the case he would have done so already or seen a therapist as he has promised time and time again and never does. 

Sorry if this is all over the place I wanted to say more but it is long enough as it is. I have a tattoo of an angel with a scroll that says "Love Defies Reason" which has always been my motto as a tribute to what my parents went through and yet I feel it has failed me. For me my "motto" now is the test of someone's true character in the face of stress and how they handle themselves. Anyone can be "in love" when days are joyful and free of stress, but how a person responds to that stress will determine the course of their relationship to follow. I wish I could not be such a romantic in the beginning and be guarded enough to look for signs. I am always in a state of self-evaluation and discovery and want my partner to be on that journey with me and it really saddens me when I feel so alone. I still love my bf dearly, but have lost so much respect for him. I cringe at saying that bc I know how deeply that would hurt him.

Any advice appreciated. Thanks for reading.