Hello,
I have been reading forums on this site for 4 years now. I have been dating a guy for 4 years that has ADD. We met while I was going through a divorce. He was fun, sweet, gave me all the attention I was not getting from my ex, etc. He was hyper-focused on me. Over time we moved in together and our relationship sounds identical to every post I have read all these years. I used to be madly in love with him. Madly attracted to him. Adored him like mad. You get the point. Believed because he had been treated since he was younger and was aware of his ADD (gave me Driven to Distraction to read to understand him 6 months into dating) that we would always conquer any ADD issues. He is on Adderall but takes all of it in a 2 week span staying up all night for days and then crashes and burns. Then for 2 weeks he becomes un-hinged. Turns out even though he is highly intelligent and knows a great deal about ADD, he does not want to address it. He just goes to his physician and gets his meds monthly. 6 months into dating he lost his job (we worked at the same company where we met). He has not worked since. I sound crazy staying with a guy who has not worked for 3 1/2 years I know. I still question myself on my own reasoning. I went to therapy for it. Even got him to go once with me and it went great but he was on his addrerall during the session so I was not surprised.
We have dealt with a great deal of stress. When we moved in together I ended up being the only one moving boxes and unpacking while he played video games ( I desperately wanted a nice home at the time) and I re-injured my back. I had a lower back fusion in my mid-twenties. We ended up on a roller coaster ride for a few years while I went through massive life threatening surgeries to pull out the hardware in my back that was penetrating my arteries and veins. I now have a spinal cord stimulator and am in my early 30's. It was rough on us. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere if I wanted to. At that point we both did not have jobs. His parents were supporting him and I had a government program helping me with my medical expenses until I was capable to work again. I am a strong willed woman and made it through. I am in a ton of pain still on pain meds but have been working for almost 2 years now. He is still not working. He says he is afraid of failure. I try very hard to listen to his needs and talk to him in the manner that he needs. Calm. Sometimes I raise my voice out of frustration and I feel bad but I can only take so much stress.
I have tried so hard for so long. Buying and reading every book there is on ADD, reading forums, sitting and calmly talking to him, going to therapy. Things change for a short while but then they go back to how they were. Avoidance of getting a job. Not helping around the house. The worst for me though is his attitude. He gets very annoyed with me just for asking a normal question or will say really mean things that are completely uncalled for and insensitive. I didn't grow up in a household with name-calling or yelling at a person to "shut up" or "be quiet". He can be downright disrespectful over nothing (he says later he gets very anxious and cannot handle talking, sounds, etc) and instead of being polite and just asking to have 20 mins to himself he just becomes mean. We have long talks where I explain to him I am always willing to work with his needs if he would express them in a respectful manner. He does it just fine on adderall but has no impulse control when off.
It was very hard for me to leave my first marriage, but I really wanted a family and a person to love me unconditionally and treat me with respect. They way my father adored my mother. My mother has passed and she still is the apple in his eyes. I fear selfless, humble, romantic men like my father are a rare find and that I may never have that. I just want to feel appreciated, special, beautiful and adored like I was when we met. I have a tendency to hold onto "what we once were" in relationships always deluding myself that we can get back to that. The problem is I know my bf is a good man from a good family with good intentions, but he also is a man and needs to act like one and take charge. I am facing so many challenges in having a family with my back problems but more importantly my age is becoming the biggest hurdle. For me it is becoming sink or swim at this point. My grandmother gave my bf her ring 2 years ago when we had planned on getting engaged and since then I have tumultuous ups and downs and I don't know what to do. I am not financially in a place to just move out and live on my own. I still have hope he will want to get a job as he tells me constantly and is adamant he wants to marry me and have a family. I feel if that is the case he would have done so already or seen a therapist as he has promised time and time again and never does.
Sorry if this is all over the place I wanted to say more but it is long enough as it is. I have a tattoo of an angel with a scroll that says "Love Defies Reason" which has always been my motto as a tribute to what my parents went through and yet I feel it has failed me. For me my "motto" now is the test of someone's true character in the face of stress and how they handle themselves. Anyone can be "in love" when days are joyful and free of stress, but how a person responds to that stress will determine the course of their relationship to follow. I wish I could not be such a romantic in the beginning and be guarded enough to look for signs. I am always in a state of self-evaluation and discovery and want my partner to be on that journey with me and it really saddens me when I feel so alone. I still love my bf dearly, but have lost so much respect for him. I cringe at saying that bc I know how deeply that would hurt him.
Any advice appreciated. Thanks for reading.
I forgot to mention him sleeping in another room
Submitted by crossroads on
I forgot to mention that his ways of dealing with stress are listening to his ipod ( he listens to podcasts for hours on end), drives for hours on end, video games, tv and going into another room. When he needs space I give that to him. I have realized if I push him to spend time with me when he does not want to it backfires and so now I just respect it. The hardest thing for me though is he has taken up going into another bedroom and sleeping there when we have a disagreement. Even if he is the cause bc of him saying something inappropriate or mean. He then avoids for days talking until I approach him. I don't understand it. If he would be sincere and apologize right after his unthoughtful comment it would be resolved immediately. I don't like tension or fighting. I don't sleep when he is sleeping in the next room. It devastates me. I am a very physical person and need to feel safe and content. He will also go lay in the other room just to listen to his ipod and fall asleep and "forget" to come to bed. It is very hard on me. He says he won't do it but when he is off his meds or agitated he does what he wants and tells me he cannot sleep in the same room as someone upset with him. It makes me feel as if he only cares about his own feelings and does not empathize.
Does that happen to anyone else?
I'm sorry I don't have too
Submitted by copingSAH on
I'm sorry I don't have too much to say about your original post as I just came here to the forum right after a very dysfunctional mind game with my dh calling me weird names.
But to answer your second post, yes. My dh sleeps in the living room (that none of us can actually use because he controls the TV and how it is furnished in there) from Friday nights and through out the weekend. Some weekends I don't see him at all. He had about 10 days vacation time and we didn't go anywhere, but he never came to our bedroom either. I just fell asleep on my own. He came to the bedroom the night before returning to work, in a bad mood. It really sucks! Because of my own dysfunctional upbringing, I always wanted to find my "prince." There's the rub, he was a prince at the beginning but I feel like I'm slowly being killed.
Hi copingSAH,
Submitted by crossroads on
Hi copingSAH,
I do understand the mind games. My bf claims he doesn't like to fight but I have noticed he will say things to try to egg me on when his endorphins are pumping. He antagonizes and is very sarcastic and hurtful. He becomes a different person. I could never talk to my friends or family about some of our fights sometimes. They are so childish and drive me up a wall. I realize he gets enjoyment out of it in a weird way so I try hard to walk away and not let myself get sucked into it. Trust me though, it is hard. He is good at pushing my buttons and knows my insecurities. That sounds terrible writing it down on paper.
I have that happen all the time too! The couch is his second bed (the spare room as his first choice), He does try and gives me a few nights here and there but always ends up back on the couch or bed. Sadly I know it is bc he is so depressed with his life choices but he won't address them. Sorry to hear about your situation. I read a lot on here when my chest hurts so bad bc I am so angry with my bf. It tends to help but sometimes it just makes me more depressed. At least it is good to know you are not crazy and others have gone through what you have experienced. My sister just had her baby a few months ago so I have been spending a lot of time with my niece trying to take charge of my own happiness until I figure out what to do with my life at home.
My advice to you is treat yourself like a princess. You deserve it. If you can afford it take yourself out for a nice meal, rent a ton of movies you want or do something you want to do but do not bc he won't do it with you. I live on the ocean and my bf doesn't like to go to the beach so I try to go just for me and walk. Dress up and feel pretty and treat yourself. You deserve that even if he doesn't give that attention to you right now. I wish you the best and thanks for your reply. I thought I was the only person who slept alone:(.
My dh is the same way, he
Submitted by copingSAH on
My dh is the same way, he will say some really inappropriate things to goad me, but when I bring it up to say how it hurt me, he says he never said such a thing! And I think that's where I believe he honestly doesn't remember saying those things to me. When he's actually thinking straight under his meds, he is shocked that I would "accuse" him of such awful things and accuses me of messing with his head.
I also notice when he's gotten me into a frenzied anger, and I'm beside myself, I see that his demeanor becomes completely calm... his eyes are fixated on me but his expressions are very bland, almost relaxed. I can see his body is almost limp (he's always sitting on the couch). Usually when people work themselves up or on the receiving end of conflict, they usually tense up. So I think the endorphins put him into this really feel good state, but at the same time when he has to respond to me, he's angry. He also has a smirk on his face whenever I walk into the room. It could be any time of the day, even if I haven't talked to him all day. I'm simply disturbing him.
Do you ever feel like your bf is taking you for some kind of roommate? I do. Roommates don't need to go to bed with each other or the same time, they don't ever need to be in the same room either. Plus the (ahem) the more intimate part of relationships, my dh doesn't even need to be in the same room if you get my drift... it's agony...
Oh I went back to your first
Submitted by copingSAH on
Oh I went back to your first post
You need to let your bf know that he is abusing his medication. I don't know what he is taking but if it's some kind of stimulant, he cannot take a month's worth in two weeks!! Good lord, that's like being high all the time and crashing. Then waiting to fill the script again. I don't know but doesn't he go into a monstrous rage when off the meds?
It's hard enough for me to see my dh come down from the meds after a great day at work (because it makes him so euphoric), but by the time dinner starts he's home and freshened and already 100% distracted and nobody seems to exist but the cyber gadgets.
Sorry, I hope you don't think
Submitted by copingSAH on
Sorry, I hope you don't think I'm bizarre to post so much but thanks so much for the lovely support... you know sometimes i do feel I deserve to be a princess but I also feel so much guilt about it, like I must be selfish or shouldn't deserve it. I think it harkens back to my upbringing (lots of shaming). But I guess it's always hard when one has a partner who is like ours, one's never quite sure of anything after a while. Even things outside like our extended family, friends.... it all seems like a completely different universe out there. I'm amazed how easy life is for many people outside of these four walls.
I completely agree and
Submitted by crossroads on
I completely agree and understand where you are coming from. My bf says he is his best under pressure. I think he is crazy when he says that due to I think of all the times we fight and he cannot take more than 30 seconds, but I think what he is referring to is he becomes more focused or in his element. With the endorphins going he feels alive and in control. Funny though due to that is when he says the things that are the most hurtful. A lot of ppl with ADD have jobs such as fire fighters, cops, etc. Jobs that keep them on their toes and are ever changing. I think my bf is so bored. In the beginning it was exciting. I was getting out of a marriage where I just wanted to relax and have fun fun fun. When I wanted to start going down a path of building a normal life again I think he began to become restless. Since he lost his job he will not contact his male friends anymore. The only ppl we see are my sister and her husband and I have to drag him over. We always have a good time but he is always so worried about being judged.
Yes there are many days, especially coming down from his meds, that I just walk through the room and I can feel his irritation with me just being there. He will huff and make it known. I will say something to our dog and he will yell about it to be quiet. I know we are going to end up fighting in those few days so I try to steer clear of his wrath but sometimes it is inevitable. I take pain meds for my back and when I choose to go down in my dosage I go through very bad withdrawal. Part of that withdrawal is feeling insane amounts of agitation and anxiety. I can relate to what he goes through so I try very hard to put myself in his shoes but when I go through the withdrawal process I do not take it out on anyone. It is not their fault. I am not trying to be pious, I was raised to be very concerned and empathetic about the people I love feelings. When I was recovering from my major back surgeries the pain was so bad I wanted to die. I feel at times he could not understand/empathize with how much pain/suffering I was in. He would get annoyed with having to help me all the time. He was not like that all the time but it saddened me that he expressed it even once. I have tried to learn to accept his flaws but it is hard. It used to be there were way more positives than negatives.
I have talked to him for years about running out of his meds halfway through the month. He does not like me to be in his business or to mother him and gets mad. I have expressed my concern to his mother and for years we have tried to get him to see a real therapist. Not just a family doc that writes up a script and sees him every 3 months. As you mentioned it is a nightmare when he runs out of his meds and then for 1-2 weeks he is off of them. He claims when he has a job he doesn't do that. His parents are footing the bills for him right now and he is 34. They are at their wits end but do not know how to force him to see someone or get a job. If they cut him off I am screwed. And yes it feels like we are roommates. I tell him that all the time and how much it hurts me. We don't go to bed at the same time if he does sleep with me and never wake up together. I have to ask him to sit and cuddle with me on the couch. When he is positive and trying to get out of his depression he will come to me and sit with me and try to go to bed with me. That is why I just don't up and leave. I see glimpses of the man I fell in love with who is the funniest person I have ever met and who used to be the kindest. Kind of funny huh? That the kindest most giving person you know can turn into the most selfish person you know? We are rarely intimate. How can you be intimate when you are never in bed together? For years I thought it was me. I pushed and pushed and that was the only way we were intimate. Right now I have lost "that loving feeling" so I have not pushed for anything and neither has he. It is sad.
You should never feel you are being selfish by putting you first. I have always been in relationships since highschool and put the men in my life first and I have realized I have been hurting myself. My dreams were to travel the world. Instead I hung onto relationships putting each guy's wants and needs first and ended up feeling hollow. I came from a very selfless father so it is hard for me not to be selfless. The problem is over time ppl get comfortable and take others for granted and take advantage of their loved ones. Unintentional or not. Now I try to do little things that make me happy until I can do the big things. I go shopping, take a walk, see my sister and niece. You have to do things for you to keep you sane. You have to remember this is your life. Your ONE and only life.
My mother died from cancer at 54 and it made me realize how little time we have here. Even if you choose to stay in your marriage do whatever it takes to make yourself happy. Something as little as splurging on a treat you would never get because it is not "beneficial". When I shop I always buy based on what my bf likes and what is "practical". I pass up the things I like that are more expensive. Then he goes shopping and comes home with expensive items "just for him". I finally said "screw it!" and started getting the items I want. Seems so silly and little but something that simple is a big victory for me. It makes me feel invigorated and alive. Like I am taking back a piece of me. Everytime I am selfish it feels good. Yes, I feel guilty but then I think about how he does the same thing but a million times over. I still always consider him but realize I need to make me happy first. It can be hard though. I hope you start doing it more though!