Many of you know that my husband and I (well, probably more me than him) were having some recent issues I felt were related to medication. We hit 'rock bottom' last winter, reconciled in Dec 09, decided things were changing or we were going our separate ways, and committed to getting in counseling, back in church, and getting things right in our lives and our marriage. I know things tend to 'cycle' with ADHD, and I often question my own feelings and my own beliefs when things head south for us. I do not think we are better than any other marriage...his ADHD is just as damaging as some, not as damaging as others...but with a little perspective, a very helpful individual counseling session, and a little bit of a 'wake up call' for us both, I do feel like we ARE on the right path to having a successful marriage and successfully treating his ADHD...once again.
I cannot speak for anyone else, but for us it seems that our progress is just doomed to be met with some speed bumps along the way that remind us of the goal we're working towards, the behaviors that must be changed, and how important communication is.
I do think initially the Concerta threw him for a loop. He openly admitted (once) he felt horrible on it and it made him irritable all the time. I saw him return to the man I have grown to love and respect during the 4 days he was off of the medication.
Some issues came up (the guitar, disagreeing on how to handle things with our daughter) over the course of the last couple of months (plus the stress of the holidays, the sadness we both felt from the loss of our parents late last year, etc) and it seems as though he was holding in some resentments instead of discussing them with me. Although he had some good points, he was going about 'dealing with it' the wrong way. He was keeping it all bottled up and holding a grudge against me..thus the 'regression' he accused me of. He was blaming me instead of seeing that he wasn't communicating well and giving me us a chance to resolve the issues..and then FORGIVING me, like I do him. In a nutshell, he shut down...just like I knew he was doing. The blame game was creeping back in, I literally had no explaination for what was happening other than the meds...and things finally came to a head last week. It dawned on me that this was 'common' during our first 6 months after we reconciled, the periods of peace then all of the sudden we were (seemingly) back to square one...but eventually the peaceful times are more prevalent and when we hit another speed bump, I panicked. Best I can figure, his ADHD kicked in and he just either could not express what he was feeling or the medications were confusing him...I don't know, but piecing together what I have..and what we've discussed..he just simply saw some things he didn't like and ran like crazy with them. I can only hope he gets that he cannot do that anymore, and that since I am dealing with issues as they arise, bringing them to his attention, discussing as much as we can without fighting, making our points and then letting it go...and NOT letting it become an issue in the marriage, that he will return the favor. I told him that his shutting me out is not something I am OK with...either be honest about what you're feeling, open up even if you don't feel I will understand, or seek the help of our counselor to help you through whatever it is...but checking out of the marriage because you get some 'bad feelings' isn't OK. I know he realizes that he isn't perfect and makes some 'old' mistakes still to this day, and all I asked was that he realize I am human too and will make some 'old' mistakes too..and I deserve the same patience and unconditional love from him that I show him. We have to love each other....even when we don't deserve it.
We're both having individual counseling sessions for a few weeks..just to sort out our own issues and become healthier individuals...and eventually, or as needed, we'll go back as a couple. I told him last week that if he wasn't happy, I was willing to let him go and find happiness elsewhere. I won't stand in the way of his happiness, but I also won't let him shut me out of his life again either.
He knows what he wants and needs from the marriage...I do believe the meds are helping him define who he wants to be, what he wants and needs, and giving him the clarity to put together a plan. He has made a lot of suggestions and starting Feb 1st there are a lot of changes happening with us and our family.
So, for now we're back on track, he's torn down his walls again and is fully engaged in the marriage and family and hopefully the next speed bump will be much further down the road.