Things have taken a turn for the worse here...

Background: I came to this site appx 9 months into our reconciliation after an extremely painful few months the last of 2009. I told him before we reconciled that I just wanted peace in my life. In our home. He was on board. I let go of the anger, gave a clean slate, and all I asked was that we seek professional help since we obviously couldn't keep the marriage on track by ourselves. Some huge causes of stress were gone, and I felt with counseling we could really make it. We had a decent, happy marriage before it took a nose dive, I felt surely we could have that again if the main source of our problem was gone. Took about 6 months, but we were THERE. It was amazing. We reconnected and were happier than we had ever been. The diagnosis came at about the exact same time we started to get on track. Three months into the diagnosis, he wanted to try meds. They made him irritable and hostile and prone to outbursts...and none of these were 'him'. After 5 months a two medications he stopped taking them. (mid-February of this year).

Since then nothing has been the same and everything feels very wrong. Some things have come to light that I cannot share, but I always told God I would see him through anything, stand by him through thick and thin, as long as he didn't cheat on me again. I had no idea God would test me on that. I am not sure if the abrupt stop of the medications sent him to the 'dark place' he is at, but he has completely withdrawn..spends all of his time in the den, has now graduated to sleeping in the den, we do NOTHING together as a family, and any conversations we have are about him and only him. I can't start a conversation about anything else without getting cut off and made feel like I am overwhelming him (not relationship stuff either...stuff about the kids, stuff about my school, etc). He used to send text messages throughout the day telling me "I love you very much!" and now all I get is "I'm having a horrible day" "I hate my job" "no one appreciates me", etc. I keep a knot in my stomach constantly worrying that he's going to quit his job or get fired. He will send text messages that any normal person would interpret as either/or is about to happen...and then call 30 minutes later saying "I don't want you to worry, everything is fine". This proves A) he knows I worry B) he knows that it is things he says that make me worry C) it is so bad he has to call to reassure me after a barrage of gut wrenching texts. His explanation is "I can go from 0-60 in 2 seconds, but I can go from 60-0 just as fast" I tried to explain to him "but I can't!" but he apparently didn't get that message. He is going to counseling (alone) but other than that, not treating his ADHD. He thinks he can beat it on his own.

Anyway..I have cried, I have prayed, I have stomached his "I'm trying" excuse day-in and day-out for weeks now. I asked him "how" he was trying only to get 'don't do this to me right now, I can't deal with it'. There is never a good time to force the issue. He is in his dark place and that is what he chooses to do with his life at this time. I asked him today to please not text me unless it was something positive. I explained that I could not be his emotional dumping ground anymore.  I told him that I could no longer obsess over this situation,  our marriage, and when he might decide to be a husband and father again...that I was taking my own path and I hoped he would decide to join me soon. I just simply said "I want to be happy...it is obvious you can't help me with that right now...so I have to figure out how to bring about that on my own. I'm always here for you, but I can't let you take me down with you". This made him angry, I got accused of never being there for him and got the line about how he had no one to depend on, he was all alone. How does ADHD make this a rational arguement..when you PUSH AWAY the very people who love you the most then complain that you're all alone?

Prayers would be greatly appreciated. I need the strength to keep moving forward and to have the Faith that he will soon follow...and the courage to face the tough decision if he doesn't. When my Daddy was dying I promised him my life would change..I would make better choices and be happy...so he could go in peace. I he ate my husband's ADHD for making me choose between keeping that promise and him.