Pbartender, Sherri & Aspen: you were right!
I had a conversation with my husband last night (for the first time in about a year....)
I asked about the 'whole cake thing..."
"What do you want at the store? Cake mix?" I WAS in fact supposed to translate this in my head to: "I changed my mind - I really want DD to make a cake. Furthermore, I did not just change my mind about having a cake in general, but have now decided it's ok for her to give it to me at the party in front of my colleagues even though a couple of days ago I said I didn't want to do that in front of people whom I barely know."
Also - we had a talk about our life in general and how i'm 'stuck' and not working enough and frustrated because I feel there is no time for me to do anything that will lead me toward any goals.
He got frustrated and said, "WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION A YEAR AGO!!!"
he'd said i should make a list of all the things I needed to do in a week, and the time needed for it all, and then we'd sit and make a schedule. this never happened. Why? because the time needed for basic housework/childcare/three part-time jobs I already had plus job search time and 'goals' I'd hoped for added up to more than 200 hours for the week and I thought - ok... this isn't going to work (putting the problem in the way before I even started) and I felt guilty writing down anything that didn't immediately provide a result of money or household benefit, like an hour a day to exercise (that wasn't at a time when everyone was asleep) or prepare for my classes or researching music or - any kind of time to myself to do WHATEVER. So - it just never happened. DH is so stressed out all the time that I never feel like I can ask for any kind of help - he says that the reason he can't help is because I haven't made a schedule and made my needs clear.
I can have needs and he won't think I'm selfish/wasting time/money?
I guess I just couldn't believe it a year ago. I still am having trouble believing it.
So... instead of feeling like shit for asking him to help out with the kids or paying for a babysitter so that I can write cover letters without typos, and maybe even find a therapist or coach or something super fun like that, i'm going to put that RIGHT DOWN on my list of stuff I need to do to get out of this rut! wheeeee!