A lot has changed! I am living by myself and I love it. I miss having my children live with me...they are staying with their dads full time for now bc I am considered an essential employee and I go to work Monday through Saturday. The girls and I get together 3 to 4 times a week and go for a walk or eat take out with my parents (we sit 6 feet apart outside on my parents' deck.)
I started dating in February. I met a man I really liked. We had a lot In common and got along well. 4 weeks in I realized that he was still emotionally attached to his ex wife even though they had been divorced for 9 years. I ended it. I was very proud of myself for recognizing it after only 4 weeks. It took me 14 years to accept that my 2nd husband was still attached to his ex wife. I met another man I really liked. I quickly realized that he was not good for me. I held on longer than I should have, but it was a very short time... I held on for 3 weeks after realizing it instead of 10 years (1st husband) or 8 years (2nd husband).
I'm now in a relationship with a great guy. We've been seeing each other for 6 weeks. Before I met him, I hoped that someday I would have a happy relationship. I was anticipating that being in a happy relationship would feel like a dream come true after being neglected by my 2nd husband and abused by my 1st husband. Instead, everything feels right. I am very happy. I am not on edge or confused or exhausted. He is very sweet to me. A week into our relationship I had to have a root canal. He took me to the dentist, waited for me in the car, took me home, went to the pharmacy and picked up my prescriptions, and took care of me. He makes dinner for me. He is even helping me pack. (I am moving to a new place next week.) He talks to me about his life (his work, his house search, conflict with his brother, his plans for the future). He asks my opinion. He does not ask me to decide for him. He does not ask me to fix anything for him. It is so refreshing. He is a fully functioning adult. He handles his life all by himself.
Everything feels completely different and yet it feels like this is how it is supposed to be. I feel very lucky. I also feel very proud of the hard work I have done with my therapist and on my own to continue to heal and recover from childhood neglect and abuse and husband neglect and abuse.
It's too soon to tell whether or not this relationship is going to be long term. I feel happy and excited. I love myself and I like myself in this relationship. I don't have to choose between taking care of myself and taking care of him. He takes care of himself, I take care of myself, and we take care of each other. It feels right.
I wish all of you the very best. You deserve every happiness. Thank you for always listening and being so kind when I was struggling with my ex who has ADD.
This
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This gives me hope. Thanks, daizze.
I'm so glad, melody
Submitted by daizzebelle on
I wish you and your daughter all the best.
So happy for you
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It is really nice to read your story and see how happy and strong you feel now after all you have been through. You deserve every happiness and I'm so glad you're free to enjoy it all! Thank you as well for thinking to come back here and post for those of us still "in it." It is unbelievably helpful.
Thank you so much melody!
Submitted by daizzebelle on
I feel very lucky and also very proud of myself for not giving up on healing. Last summer was very, very painful, and there were so many days when all I did was cry. I couldn't see it at the time, but feeling the pain instead of continuing to try to avoid it was necessary for me to move forward with my healing. Every single day, multiple times a day, I wanted to give up and quit feeling the pain, but I persisted. I am not yet healed, but I am free. That is the best thing about my life now. I am no longer a prisoner of that inner voice that tells me that I am not valuable. I'm so glad that I didn't give up.
(It is sad but as I told him
Submitted by c ur self on
(It is sad but as I told him a few months ago, I can't want it *for* him. He has to want to do the work, and he doesn't.)
Hi daizzebelle, I'm so glad you have been able to find a peaceful existence...This statement above is the last thing you said to us 7 months ago, before this post.....I thought I would post it here since it tells the story of many of our lives....Spouses of victims who will only step up (if at all) when forced to by non-participation...And more times than not that means getting away from them full time like you did...
I wish you and your family great happiness, Be strong...God bless you dear!
c
Thank you so much c
Submitted by daizzebelle on
for your kind words. I appreciate that! I am doing well. My partner and I have been together for 3 months now, and we are very happy and content. It makes a world of difference for me to have a true partner who takes care of his own life and takes care of me, too. It is such a relief to no longer be dragged down by someone who doesn't even want to try to make his own life better, much less do anything to make our relationship better.
The more time I spend with my partner, the more I realize how utterly exhausting it was to be married to my ex. I knew I was worn out but I really did not have a clue just how much of a burden it was doing all of the emotional labor plus all of the practical stuff that has to be done in life.
Just last week my partner was making dinner for us and I teared up thinking how lovely it was that he just made dinner. I didn't have to beg him to do it. I didn't have to plan it, I didn't have to shop, I didn't have to print out a recipe for him and make sure I put it on the recipe holder so he would see it. I didn't have to pull all the dry ingredients and put them out on the counter for him.
He made Thai chicken and rice and it was delicious and he didn't need heaps of praise for doing it either.
And I felt very sad bc it was really not so hard to do and I always wanted my ex to just have dinner on the table when I got home from a 12+ hour work day and he just couldn't/wouldn't do it.
I wasn't quite sure why the tears now as my partner is simply making dinner for us without any fuss or need for adulation. I talked to my therapist about it and we agreed it was grief. Grief coming up for what I wanted from my ex & didn't get.
I'm so glad that I have a good therapist & I am continuing to heal. ❤
I’m so happy for you.
Submitted by sickandtired on
Doesn’t it just feel like a luxury being with a normal person??? You deserve love and care, and I’m so glad you got out!
Thank you so much!
Submitted by daizzebelle on
It's so lovely and at the same time it feels like of course this is how it should be. Of course I should feel happy and content instead of exhausted and miserable. That's not to say that it's perfect...he is neat and I am messy. But he adores me anyway. I hate his taste in music. But I'm crazy about him. ❤