Update: Long story short, I am right now kicking my guy out of the house. We love each other and this is the most gut wrenching, horrible decision I've ever made. He has other issues too, which I won't get into here..I'm basically sending the man I love out into the world to sleep on his office floor. Believe me I feel devastated at his suffering, but couldn't be his caretaker any more. In the 12th hour he finally got it and started to turn around. With all the begging and pleading I just couldn't believe his promises any more. This is truly awful. I love this man.
I'd like to thank this forum and everyone here for being so educational, and supportive. For you folks w/ADD and ADHD - and you know this - there is utterly no shame in having ADHD. It just is. Whether you've just learned you have it, or have known for a long time, kudos to you for owning it and doing what you can to manage it. You rock. Just pills are not enough. Some of you may have lost spouses over it, some of you may be trying to win your spouses back. As the partner of somebody w/ADHD who I love dearly but didn't try to manage his condition, I can tell you that as long as the ownership and intent is there, even imperfect management goes a looooooong way. Whatever works. If that doesn't help your relationship now, it will help a relationship in the future, I'm sure of it. I feel that if my guy had taken more ownership of his behavior, our relationship would be saved. We could have even had some fun and humor with it when possible.
Not to throw stones, I've had my own issues and have tried to deal with them in my own imperfect way. That's the best we can do, really.
For you non adhders, I've gotten a lot useful tidbits from alanon, too, if that applies to you.
Best of luck to everyone here. Thank you, everyone