Submitted by lululove on 08/02/2011.
Ive been coming here for a long time and it has been incredible to not feel alone like I was before. It was very difficult especially last year, when he hit 50, found out he had adhd late the year before, and started drinking and hanging out with a group of men with similar issues. He thinks that my "turn around" towards working on this relationship has nothing to do with the realization of what the ADHD diagnosis means to me/our relationship (he hasn't read much on the topic because..) but because of his mean behavior (drinking, becoming verbally abusive - what he seems to think of as making a stand). Yet now, with meds he seems more functional on one level but separate on another. In one year, he opened his own checking account, credit cards, leased a very expensive luxury car (after arranging to trade in a paid for car that was in both our names), so much more. He gives himself a very healthy allowance but leaves the rest for me to pay the bills. I have started to work more now to not only make up the difference but to feel some security should things go even more south. He scared both of us by being physically aggressive not once but three times (when no one else was around). Now months later, he is not volatile physically but still has a bitter and mean tongue at the end of day that I try to avoid. He goes drinking almost every night although not necessarily to get drunk. He is home if I say I need kid coverage (doesnt drink those nights) to go out. He works very hard at his job, too much, because he is never home anymore and stresses constantly due to work (yet makes fairly decent money). So he works 13 hour days and then goes to bar to hang out 5 days a week. We have some communication that has improved dramatically from what it was. Our intimacy is intermittent. Kids appear happy, we dont always argue anymore (making efforts not to, not always successful. My old friends have pretty much dropped us (too uncomfortable for them I think). He hates being near my family. He makes nasty comments s about my friends (who give me emotional support)- but I think he is threatened by them. So WHY, do you ask, do I stay? For hope that his mid life adhd induced crisis stabizes, for the happiness of my kids, for my hopes in happiness... I am trying to grow and become independent (and not CO-depwndent). To feel worthy again. But I still dont have a clue if I am doing the right thing.