Short version: We were engaged and living together, along with his twin autistic 18-year-old boys (VERY difficult kids who have serious anger issues and can be violent). Two months before our wedding, he said he did not know if he wanted to get married - that he had not grieved his wife's passing, that he had never had time to be himself. I found he had been surfing a dating site. I caught him in a bunch of lies and DEMANDED that he call a therapist. We had two sessions and he stopped the couples' therapy (with another lie, btw - could not afford it, though when he told me that, he did not even know how much it cost and had not bothered to check with his insurance company - bottom line, he just didn't want to go, I think).
He did start seeing an ADHD coach, but adamantly did NOT want me to be involved in that therapy (he's very good at minimizing his symptoms and lying and charming his way out of things). Promised to see a doctor for meds (six weeks later, of course, that has not happened - he does not even had an appointment). Today he actually missed his meeting with his ADHD coach because he "forgot".
The couples' therapist thought it was a good plan for me to move out and for us to start over "dating" again. I probably don't have to tell you how that's going.... "I'll call you!", then not doing so, is happening nearly on a daily basis. He's still not paying his bills in a timely manner or getting his billing for his business sent out. He went on a short rampage of housecleaning and buying new furniture and rearranging things but I think that's settled down now. He has no idea how much money he has, has not done anything to collect money owed him (some pretty large sums involved here), has grandiose plans but never follows through (no one could in his situation - but he just can't focus on the basics that he needs to survive).
I feel as though it may be time to give up on having a relationship. I'm not seeing any progress in his life - he is not doing the things he knows need to be done, and it appears I narrowly escaped a very miserable life. Yes, we've had some nice "dates" when he's come here to visit me twice - with few distractions - but we have not even begun to talk about the important things or how we could rebuild our relationship. When I try to bring it up, he cuts me off. When I complain about his not calling me or doing the things he commits to, he withdraws.
What say ye, wise advisors?