First, my husband is over the IT dept for our city. Small city, but still a decent sized network. Long story short, few months back issues started happening with his servers and it has lead to the discovery of a fairly ugly hacking job and a REALLY ugly worm that he's worked 16+ hour days for WEEKS now trying to battle. Thanks to his ADHD/hyperfocus he would not consider seeking outside help and a couple of time stayed up for 48+ hours working on it. He looks HORRIBLE physically, is taking even less care of himself than before (eating, showering, etc), and has finally conceded that the time has come to call in help...although the help he has called (local company, Microsoft, Sophos) have been of very little help, he has at least started reaching out before he goes off the deep end. I'm so confused that I don't know what he's talking about..and one minute he'll tell me he figured it out, and got it off of his servers and the next minute he'll tell me he can't...and then there was the day last week when I got cussed out because he made it seem like he had quit his job ("I walked out and I'm never going back!") and I got upset...didn't say much, didn't cuss or fuss..just sat in silence, which was taken as me 'not being supportive'. He went back to the city a little later and continued to work on it, but he was still upset that I would not support his decision to quit because of how unhappy he is. He was doubted at first...and resents those who doubted him (me, his boss)...but truth of the matter is, he doubted himself..and it made it hard for us to believe him about how serious it is. He cannot tell a story about it and keep it on one track.
Yesterday was my birthday. He forgot. First time in 14 years together that he forgot. My daughter reminded him the night before..and tried a few times to pull him away from his computer to take her shopping to get me something (VERY important to her). Finally she broke down and cried so I took her myself and let her go in the store in the Mall and get me something. All day he spent in the den on his computer working. He was up at around 8 and didn't come to bed until prollie 3 a.m. or later. I stopped by the store and got gas for the grill and steaks..and stuff to make S'mores. I asked him to grill the steaks...he said he would...then kept giving me the "it'll be a minute" line. I started them myself and he came up to finish them. Ate and went back to the den. When we made a fire later I asked him to come join us and got a very "sigh" type "ok". He sat with us for 5 minutes and went back to the den. That was his extent of involvement in my birthday. He told me happy birthday several times...and was very nice...but it was not enough. And...the best part, as we all know, becasue of the ADHD I am pretty much screwed because if I dared express my disappointment, then I'm not being supportive of his 'work' issue...it would make him feel bad about himself, feel like he let me down yet again, and then he would be angry and blame me. This is on top of about 100 other disappointments lately where he's promised to make time for the family but has managed his time so poorly that it does not happen. Anything we do is clouded by the urgency in his demeanor to get home and get back on this task at hand. I do not for one minute discount how serious the issue is, but he can't give his family 2-3 hours of his f**king time one day a week? Really? I even said to him when we fought about it this weekend (broken promise to spend time with us Saturday) "can you honestly tell me that there is no way you could have been home a little earlier, gone to bed when you got home, and gotten up and spent a few hours with us..are you saying that would have been completely impossible?" "no, not when you put it that way...it wasn't..you're right. I'm sorry". He came home...but instead of going to sleep he spent 3-4 hours screwing around with his iPod that is infected with the worm as well. iPod!
I know he wants to find the fix to this...and I know he wants his life back...but I feel he's crossing far too many lines and is just absolutely unable to draw himself away from it enough to see that his family needs him too. I won't go into the entire story, but my education plans took a sharp turn for the worst this past week (had to give up the major I REALLY wanted and opt for the one that was originally supposed to just be a bonus degree..not what field i want to work in..to make use of some old credit hours) and he isn't even aware that it was a decison I made (and cried about for 3 days) because of his 'scare' when he told me he'd quit his job the other day. I am beginning to see how unreliable and unstable he is (something I have never experienced to such a degree with him in all of our 14 years!!) and I will be cutting my school short, graduating next spring, and going back to work in a field I do not want to...because he has pushed me so far that I feel I have no choice. I don't want my family to lose everything because he is out of control and refuses to admit it and get help. I do however feel that God is leading me to do this and that he will open doors for me I never even dreamed of and that somehow I will get to do something I enjoy doing. I plan on going back to school eventually to get my Medical Lab degree.
He isn't in the black hole anymore...he has checked back in and is sleeping upstairs again. He isn't the same man...and I'm not sure how much of it is this work issue and how much of it is other things (won't go into) that may have altered the course of our marriage forever. I see the man I fell in love with on occasion...but I am also completely alone to live my life without so much as a 'how was your day' from him. He has no idea about the major change and school situation because when I try and discuss it, he changes the subject. Dealing with everything on my own. We have ZERO conversations about anything other than him and his work. NOTHING. He has never, ever been so self absorbed....and again, I'm praying that is is just hyperfocus on the work issue and will resolve itself. It has not always been this way...we used to talk about anything and everything..for hours on end...and now he will literally cut me off mid-sentence and say "I have to go work on this" and just walk off and go to the den...when I am telling him something about school or the kids. Things he should care about. He forgot my birthday...not even so much as a card. I can't put into words how unimportant I feel to him right now. Won't even go into how INFURIATED he would be if his birthday went uncelebrated...believe me, I have learned the hard way through the years that it is to be a big deal or he will be furious for weeks. I got his present a few days AFTER his birthday the first year we were together...due to finances...and he made me feel like I was the worst person in the world. I worked part time and made $300 every 2 weeks..he asked for a $100 pair of sunglasses...
When the dust settles and the issue with work has been resolved...what is going to be left? I'm not angry...I'm just more and more numb to it all. I'd rather be angry..at least I would know it meant I still cared.