Hi,
I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years but I have know him for over 10. I have always known about his ADHD and witnessed the mood swings and the few days a month of sluggish behavior when his prescription was out. Unitl now it never posed much of a problem with our relationship and marriage.
Over the last few months though his behavior has changed and has startled me at times. There have been a few times where he has snapped and lashed out against me verbally for things he hears, but nothing is being said. He is hearing things that are not being said by myself, him or anyone else around. Then that is immediately followed by anger and rage that I can't help him calm down from. It's traumatizing when he out of nowhere will start yelling and storm out of a room yelling when we were having a perfectly good evening. I called his psychiatrist because I was concerned and at the time he was on a high dosage of guanfacine which we dropped immediately and that seemed to help in the short term. But more recently the behavior is coming back. In part to the anger and rage he has become very accusatory of me saying I am emotionally abusing him.
I realize something I should have done sooner is read about adhd and the tips/strategies to have a healthy marriage with an ADHD spouse. I have been reading a lot on it and understanding more how some of my actions can be emotional abuse even though that's never my intent.
Based off my research I have my areas to improve on but what is most troubling is the randomness and unpredictability of his mood sometimes. Has anyone else gone through a similar situation and feel comfortable sharing their advice?
Thanks so much in advance!
Reply to Amanda
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Do you mean he has heard things literally when nothing was being said - like hearing voices? Or he's interpreting what's being said in a way that is completely not consistent with your actual words? I don't have experience with the former, but lots of it with the latter. Also, lots of experience with the extremely bad mood that seems to come from nowhere - it actually comes from their thoughts though I believe. Of course, why they have to be thinking so negatively when everything is going seemingly fine I don't know. My husband has told me that time has no meaning for him in the sense of something that happened a long time ago being water under the bridge to most of us - if he thinks about it, he will be just as angry now as he was then. It is very hard to deal with because he will wake up angry a lot of times and it's all about things that happened years ago and always taken out of context so that he thinks I treated him in some terrible way and he doesn't consider what he was doing at the time or the rest of what I did - he just remembers things like they're sound bites and he paints me as a horrible person who acts from the worst motives you can think of and "knows" what I'm doing. This is paranoia. In his case, the mood is often triggered by withdrawal from his drug of choice (which also happens to be noted for making people paranoid) for self-medicating his anxiety. Maybe your husband's having mood swings related to withdrawal from something he's been taking - either prescription or non. Your husband could be having some worsening signs of mental illness or he's experiencing increased stress. You probably will not be able to help him. I think you should call the psychiatrist again and tell him the behavior is returning.
Working on your own stuff is always good. That's what I do too and I can lessen the impact of my husband's yelling and storming out on myself by practicing not engaging and not taking it personally.
If the behavior is him acting out in "typical" ADHD fashion because he can't handle his frustration then he doesn't really mean what he says at those times and he's aware that he's "losing it" and he's embarrassed about it, but feels so much shame that he can't even think about it so he wants to forget about it as quickly as possible therefore: no apology and more anger if you try to bring it up. I know the dynamic very well - too well - and I can't tell you how to avoid it, but I know some things not to do - because I've done them (LOL!) Don't pursue him and try to get him to talk about it and don't try to defend yourself because he can't hear you when he's in that state and it will just escalate. Chances are that you are right, but it won't help you. The best thing is don't engage and don't take it personally. If anyone else knows anything I'd love to hear it too!
Thanks so much for the
Submitted by Amanda S on
Thanks so much for the response, this is my first time reaching out to someone who knows what I am going through and it's a releif to know I am not alone!
The hearing things is when absolutely nothing has been said....not he is misinterpreting what is being said, he is just hearing something, and that scares me because I can't defend or help when I don't know what is being said. I have mentioned it to his psychiatrist and that's when we dropped the guanficine and it was fine for a few months....now it's very recently back. When the guanficine was at a high dose he abruptly lef this job with no backup and hasn't found something yet so I think having too much time on his hands gives him too much time to himself to think, not having a schedule doesn't work well for him. I think he like a lot of us need that structure in our day to day lives.
The sudden outbursts of anger and rage do seem to be adhd related the more I read about adhd and relationships and symptoms. I agree with how to handle it. I don't react or yell back or even ask questions I just calmly say ok, I understand, ok. I just try to give calm non-emotional answers so I don't escalate things further. What upsets me is that he will just leave the house and go to his family's house or a friend's house which hurts because I am here to help, I don't want him to push me away.
Per his doctor's recommendation we are both going ot visit him soon and just talk things out...I am hoping this will start to shed some light on what's going on and give me a better understand of what to expect and how to handle it.
Sweetandsour...paranoia and "losing it"
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"If the behavior is him acting out in typical ADHD fashion because he can't handle his frustration then he doesn't really mean what he says at those times and he's aware that he's " losing it" and he's embarrassed about it, but feels so much shame that he can't even think about it, so he wants to forget about it as quickly as possible therefore: no apology and more anger if you bring it up."
WOW..... You've been in my house haven't you? Lol. This behavior has been prevalent in our house also. My husband has always been extremely paranoid, and now he' scared he is developing Alzheimer's. (His mother who has bipolar passed from Alzheimer's) He has been forgetting a LOT more lately, even more than before, and it IS getting pretty bizarre, but his fear of it keeps him from actually looking into it.
I recently told him about one of the things that's been hard for me, and that's the double standard of living. He would yell at us about something......but it was usually something HE himself was doing, or had done. No positivite comments from him, always negative, unless it was about someone else outside our family. He also hears or doesn't hear MANY things, and we've had quite a LOT of disagreements about this. Also, he "remembers" events that didn't happen the way it actually did, like he made up a whole new narrative about it. And he's SURE that his version is correct. Its crazy making for sure. No wonder it makes us question our own sanity sometimes.
Dede, double standards
Submitted by Chevron on
....one of my faves from my house (not) is my husband suddenly aggravatedly raising his voice at me when I thought it was ordinary back and forth, and when I say "Please dont yell at me" and then he replies "YOU YELLED FIRST!!"
Like.... what??
Yeah - double standards everywhere you look!
Submitted by SweetandSour on
I've said so many times, I don't care what the rules are - you can make all the rules, but then they have to apply to both of us!!
Hope this helps
Submitted by Chevron on
On mishearing
https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/2mgyns/mishearing_people_is_this_...
http://www.addforums.com/forums/archive/index.php/t-165472.html
every forum of which I’ve been a member, sooner or later someone, usually the adult in a couple who doesn’t have ADHD, but from time to time, someone with ADHD, will bring up the ADHD person saying that they heard someone say something, but in fact it wasn’t said. That goes past mishearing lyrics in songs…
On quick anger
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWjbBNe0uUc
Yes, these events are very upsetting to the person who in fact didn't say what the ADHD person swears they said. The one suggestion that I have is don't try to explain, defend or argue back, when he's in a fast flash anger tear. That's not the time. And I can tell you that if he's in fast flash anger, you getting angry back will just pour gasoline on his fire. Talk to him the next day, after he's cooled off, some.
It's very hard to be yelled at for things you didn't do and then labeled an abuser. So sorry you're going through this. This kind of thing nearly brought down our brand new marriage....mine had never done anything even slightly like what you describe, before his first accusation followed by anger blow out. I was shocked, too. In fact, I seriously wondered if I had gotten myself involved with a crazy man.
It's agonizingly hard, if you've been the brunt of this kind of suspicious allegation and then blowout, to keep your cool, hang on to knowing that you didn't do or mean harm, and keep your tone down not even going into tears or distress, I'm sorry to say, because that's inflammatory, to someone who has lost it emotionally, too, but if you can keep your calm or most of it in these situations, it will help.
There's a great guy on this board, or who has been on this board, named J who has ADHD. I think I remember him saying that taking Adderall helped him with that emotional lability/fast flash feelings.
Best to you, Amanda.
Chevron
Anger Management
Submitted by mnj02021 on
Your husband sounds a lot like mine. I always knew he had ADHD. He is super active, prone to mood swing and forgetful. He had been on Adderoll for a few years when a few months ago his mood swings went from infrequent to daily. They turned into straight inconsolable rage. He once woke up around 11am screaming at me for saying something condescending to him. I hadn't even been in the bedroom, never mind said anything. I had been in the kitchen preparing lunch for our 2 kids. He screamed for so long. He used my sons plastic sword to put a hole in our kitchen island and threw a shoe at me. Took him hours to calm down and admit he might have just dreamt about my comments. A few days later he went into a rage and put his head into the wall in our hallway leaving a dent. Things came to head last March when he (after drinking a little at a wedding we both attended) attacked me. He broke all the phones in our home so i couldn't call for help. He put a child sizes whole in our bathroom wall. He woke both our kids by flipping over their nightstands. It went on for hours....... it was really bad. The next day I told him to leave and he found himself an anger management program to join. For 8 weeks he saw an anger management counselor. He also read books on men and anger.
Up until this point he was always a caring and gentle person. I was so upset. I read each of the books he was reading in an attempt to understand his mind. It was shocking how much the anger books over lapped with the ADHD books i had read. Angers comes from his frustration, fear and insecurity. He doesnt communicate well and becuase of this, doesnt try. He is selfish in his desires and values very much his personal space and control over his scheudle and time. He would go to the gym for 3 to 4 hours a day! I worked full time and we had two kids under the age of 2. It was cruel of him.
Through the anger management program he was able to see all of these selfish traits. He was also able to identify his fears. Since then he has stopped taking Adderroll all together. As a result he sleeps better and has gain weight (which he needed). He forces himself to communicate better. I can see he still hates how much effort it takes, but he does it. Our relationship has gotten so much better because of it. Now that I see his efforts to change, I too have changed. I no longer nag him or follow up on task he should be doing. I admit I nagged him often. I accused him of forgetting things and being lazy. I wasnt very nice to him. I started to lose respect for him. I now let him do things at his pace. I let him have his private time. I also came to terms with the fact that i will always do a little more around the house and in our family than he does. It exhausts him and he needs much more down time than i do. He is happy because of this and so am I. He is also more willing to step up when I am burnt out.
I suggest Beyond Anger and the Anger Management Workbook. They both really help us both see our feelings from the outside. Since they weren't about ADHD my husband didn't feel shame and was more open to reading them. He thinks ADHD makes him seem "stupid". This is something he picked up as a kid. Maybe your husband can relate to the anger books and will start to see himself more clearly.
This sounds like more than ADHD
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
we often see people post that their partners have ADHD, and maybe they do, but when they post about really bad behaviors, raging, irrational stuff, then usually that's because something else is also wrong with them.
unless his raging and irrational accusations were strictly due to his meds, the psychiatrist needs to figure out what comorbidly he has.