So here I am again...feeling sad and hopeless. My husband and I got into another argument over the phone and he hung up on me.
I'm at work and I am loathing going home. The rest of the day will be filled with upset and wasting hours of time being upset and defensive and not solving the initial problem until we are both so off topic and tired of arguing that we just go to sleep exhausted and with my husband feeling like nothing ever got solved and me secretly happy about it being over and hoping it will be forgotten about.
We get in arguments because I am always forgetting to do something, or am constantly playing catch up with household tasks, or aren't prepared for anything and am constantly late and also am insanely impulsive. It's one LARGE big-picture problem and to him I'm constantly having little issues and doing little things that remind him that I have this problem and he is constantly irritated with me. I say that I'm going to change...and I have all the desire in the world at the time to want to change. I really want to make everything better and make him happier and more fulfilled. I want him to be able to depend on me. I say I'm going to start making a "to do" list every night before bed, that I'm going to be more prepared, that I'm going to not get defensive and communicate better, that I'm going to remember to not do this-or-that, etc etc etc and the list goes on and on. I go into the next day all fired up about changing. But before I know it, I yet again mess up and we're arguing yet AGAIN. I forgot to do or say whatever I told him I was going to do during our argument. I didn't stay consistent with changing my ways. I can't seem to find a way to constantly remember that I was going to do this or not going to do that. I feel like I will have to be a lunatic obsessing over changing myself every waking second and making that the only thing I care about and think about in order to make these personal changes stick. Otherwise it seems like everything goes back to the way it was after a week or two.
I hate conflict SO. VERY. MUCH.. I am so worried about having another conflict that it creates this wall between us and an unhealthy balance (Me = child, he = parent that I constantly worry about pleasing). I live in constant anxiety and fear that he's going to tell me yet again that he is "upset" or "frustrated" by something I did (which is a LOT. Oftentimes several times a day). I constantly am worried that I am going to make him mad. Every time he is warm and loving or blows off some ADD-related or flaky behavior of mine, I am in shock. I feel like I just dodged a bullet.
I know this is super unhealthy for me and especially for our relationship. I don't know what to do.