Validating Feelings vs. Preserving Integrity

Is this pattern familiar to anyone? I'm extremely frustrated right now.


Me: [Says X]

Them: Why do you have to be so Y?

Me: I'm not Y, and here's the reason.

Them: You never listen!

Me: Of course I listen! You just called me Y, and I disagreed.

Them: I didn't call you Y. I told you that when you say X, you sound Y.

Me: Well, I don't apologize for saying X, and I don't think it makes me Y.

Them: Why can't you validate my feelings?

Me: I'm not going to agree with you that I'm Y just to make you feel better.

Them: I'm not asking for your agreement.

Me: Sounds to me like you are. You may call it "listening," but it sounds to me like you're expecting agreement.

Them: No, I'm not! I'm asking you to validate my feelings! I'm not interested in why you're not Y, only to recognize that I FEEL it makes you appear Y when you say X.

Me: I'm not going to confess to being Y when I say X, because it's not true.

Them: This is why I can never give you feedback. You always have to tell me why I'm wrong and you're right.

Me: Well, it sounds to me like you're not taking ownership of your own feelings, expecting me to accept the labels you want to put on me.

Them: This is your ADHD. It makes you so insensitive!

Me: I don't think it has anything to do with ADHD. I don't think anyone likes being called Y, and it's perfectly reasonable to expect someone to stand up for themselves when accused of it.

Them: I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just saying you SOUNDED Y when you said X, and I want you to acknowledge that my feelings are valid.

Me: [Eye-rolling] Okay, I heard you say that I seemed Y to you when I said X. I am guessing you didn't like X, and it prompted feelings of annoyance or hurt when I said it, which, in turn led you to think thoughts of Y about me. Did I get that right?

Them: See? That wasn't so hard, was it?

Me: [Grumbling]. Okay, so if you feel better now, are you willing to hear why I'm not REALLY Y?

Them: No. I'm done with this conversation.