Last night I confirmed something I long suspected and something inside me just... I dont know... changed. Became calm. I know that where I "rank" in level of importance is very low, lower than his "friends". These friends who are NEVER there for him, who do not do anything for him (unless it benefits them), are NOT the ones to help him through things, be there for him etc (other than letting him pay rent to live in their spare room) will always come before me. I kinda knew it before, but I REALLY know it now. Last night I went out with some girlfriends, and there was a bit of drama/gossip. He always asks me if there was any drama, and normally I would tell him. But this bit could possibly involve one of these friends. And I knew that even if he told me that he wouldnt say anything - I could not trust him. And that made me sad. I knew that him wanting to talk to this friend would outweigh his responsibility to keep my confidence. I should not have said anything at all, but I said there was some drama, but unconfirmed and as soon as I said I realized I made a mistake. And since I am committed to being genuine, I told him that I didnt feel like I could trust him to keep the information private because he would want to bring it up to this group of friends or at least a specific person - when he pressed me on telling him. I had suspicions about a particular person in this group of friends and where she "lived in his head" compared to me, and when I said that I knew that there were some people that he would betray me for - he immediately said "Like (person)?"... and wow. Would have been better to have stabbed me in the back with a knife and let me bleed out than to have done that. How could he have said that and NOT known what it actually meant. Sad thing is - I am not a "gossiper" by any stretch, but I have always believed that secrets between spouses are poisonous - I can keep a secret to the grave, but I have never kept anything from him and I make sure that anyone confiding me understands that I do not feel its right to keep things from my husband - and NOT that I would go out of my way to tell him, but I would be 100% truthful should he ask me (gives them the choice to continue to share if they choose). I still believe that 100%. But... he isnt' my spouse really - is he.. Only in name, and only until he can gather up what he wants before he can leave to lead his glorious single life as a middle aged man with bad hygene, horrible health, complete lack of self control and dicipline - but he will at least 'THINK' he is in control - because he can do what ever he wants and ignore the very real responsibilities he has in life. More power too him.
How does anyone deal with that? Knowing that your spouse would break their faith with you, in favor of another person. Male or female - doesnt matter. I guess I should not care. And I think a part of me cares less and less. I mean - [email protected](*$&! He doesnt even wear his dammed ring (because OMG that ring feels controlling - LOL just WOW). And it just became so clear... AGAIN... that I am again, being manipulated. I wish I was wrong. Just two days ago he snapped at me because he was frustrated with what he was working on. I pointed out that he would never treat this group of friends like he treats me - even in his most frustrated state so why did he think it was OK to treat me like that? He said he knew it wasnt, and apologized. I least I got that right?
For almost a year he has been trying, and doing things nicely.... but I don't understand why. Why, when its so clear that I am not important enough that he could keep a secret between , if it potentially involved on of his friends - he would betray that to tell this particular person (who CLEARLY doesn't have that same devotion to him - but you would never convince him of that). Why would he make such changes - and act like a husband when he has no intention of BEING one? I mean - again - he doesn't even fucking wear his ring. I still wear mine, because *I* have what it takes to at least keep my word. My honor is preserved and in tact. But he has point blank said that he is abandoning me at some future point that he has in his head. So is this just to play house while he is here? Is all this ...normalness... just to keep me in line so I dont decide to just pull the plug before he has all he wants? His way to control me - yet again? Probably.
Sad thing is - I know it. And I still choose to act with love with him. He will probably think he is "winning" what ever dumb game he is playing in his head. But he isnt. I am deeply aware of what he is doing and why. But I still choose to act with love in everything I do. Because in the end, I will never let him control me again. I will never let him manipulate my emotions again. And I choose to act with love for ME. Because it makes me a better person every day. Because its fucking hard and not the easy path of least resistance. Because putting my dammed ring on - that represents so much hurt, betrayal and lies - is FUCKING HARD. But I promised to do it, and I am a better person for holding my honor and character above his reach of manipulation. And one day - when we are no longer bound, this ring will come off and it wont burn me anymore. But until then - I keep my word, I act with love, and I will build my life slowly but surely. I am no weak, fearful person who cant hack my own commitments. I *do* have what it takes and I wont let someone's mistreatment of me and lack of value in me dictate to ME how I will behave. I know my value, I know my worth and I refuse to act in a way that is beneath that. I dont want to be that person who runs away from stuff because its hard. You get nothing in life by running away in fear. He is leaving, its his choice, and I will be better than OK.
I am sorry I rambled - and if you read all the way through - THANKYOU. I just needed to vent and get this out. Its just another slash to add to my "death by papercuts" marriage...