My husband and I have been married for 5 years, it started out so well... He was my #1 fan and supporter, he was my very best friend and he went out of his way to make me feel safe, secure, and appreciated (I observed the same behavior in his dad with his mom.) That is why I fell in love with him and married him. I knew that he had ADD when I married him, he was diagnosed in 9th grade but until very recently I did not realize the enormous impact it has had on our marriage.
Let me preface this with telling you that 1. I am an educated woman who refuses to become a "victim." I call him out on his bad behavior and I stick up for myself not allowing what he says to make me question myself (as best I can) and I have read many books/articles ect. about ADD. I want to understand, to do my part. 2. I love my husband, he is a very good man. He has recently switched from his family doc to a psychiatrist (I initiated this change, found the psychiatrist) who specializes in ADD, he takes 100mg Vyvanse, he also just started seeing a behavioral therapist the psychiatrist recommended. I have not met with him yet but I plan to as soon as possible. He comes from a very loving and healthy home with very supportive parents. He is a full time professional firefighter/Paramedic and full time student graduating (B.A. in Public Administration) with a 3.7 GPA with plans to work on his Masters Degree. He is highly functioning, intelligent, and helps out alot around the house and with our 9 month old daughter, he is a wonderful father and completely adores her. However, He is a terrible procrastinator and needs to work harder at remembering things, completing tasks, keeping promises, and actively listening without interrupting. These are things I know we can and will work through.
My main concerns are his lack of control over his emotions, his lack of empathy, and his willingness to "cross the line", or "hit below the belt." I can not trust my husband and it is extremely hard to show him the respect he feels he deserves. We desprately need help, not just for the sake of our marriage but also to be a good example to our daughter and provide her with a safe, happy, loving and secure home. I want to trust and respect him, I really do, he does not make it easy and there is no time to waste.
He is emotionally very reactive, speaking without thinking, reckless with his words/actions and talking with him is alot like trying to reason with a teenager. He has lied to me about important things. When I ask if he is lying he denies it, so to avoid a fight I ignore my intuition and I choose to believe him. Then it will come out later that he did indeed lie but because it was in the past I shouldn't hold it against him now. He has a completely irrational and emotionally devastating temper. He does not "fight fair" nor does he seem to understand the consequences/harm his tactics have on me and our marriage. We frequently (avg. 3-4 times a month) have horrible fights that usually start over him being angry over something small, like crumbs left on the countertop. He gets so angry and expresses his fustration with such utter disregard for my feelings that we end up in this tornado of chaos with him frequently "hitting below the belt" by saying emotionally devastating things to me like what a horrible wife/mother i am and how it is because of me that he gets so angry, that I am the controlling one. He seems more interested in "winning" the fight than solving the problem, and he sees things as either his way or my way with no room for compromise. After the "tornado" has hit its climax, usually with me leaving in hysterical tears, and he has settled down, he seems sincerely sorry and he tells me he did not mean the things he said, that I am a wonderful wife and mother and he feels so lucky to have me, that he knows that most people wouldn't stick around to work this out with him and that he will get his anger under control and treat me better. Until the next fight... This is a pattern also extremely familiar to his parents and sister who used to have to lock herself in the bathroom to get away from him when they were younger. Although I have never spoken to any of his co-workers about it I know, because of what he has told me, that he abuses his co-workers as well.
He has driven extremely recklessly with me in the vehicle, thrown things, punched holes in the wall and slammed doors. I do not know how to lead up to this but I think it is important to mention, our sexlife is non-existant. There are several reasons, his ADD, a new baby, I am on 50mg of zoloft, all the hurt and resentment, but also the fact that he is very selfish in this department. I have to ask/remind him, when he has finished, for my climax. He has responded with a heavy sigh and/or puts so little effort into it that I can't stand it so I just don't want to do it anymore. How can you treat someone you claim to love so much this way? I feel very betrayed, tricked. This is not the man I fell in love with. We used to have a fabulous sexlife.
I want to make this marriage work, and I believe he does too. He is taking the right steps with the psychiatrist, meds, therapy, in this way I am truly blessed. But I am emotionally exhausted and have alot of deep wounds that need to heal, trust that needs to be rebuilt. My husband says he accepts that his anger has been the source of many of our problems, but also feels the need to remind me that he has issues with me, that from what i can understand stem from his need for me to respect him. This deflates my hope, because he still doesn't seem to see how he makes it impossible for me to respect/depend on him without him getting his anger/other issues under control first. I am not perfect, and I know that I own some of the blame for why we are where we are but I feel like I am bleeding out here and he is complaing about a scrape on the knee! I am deperate, I need him to be the man I married. I need him to really understand and own the hurt and damage he has caused, how else will it ever change? I need hope, something so that i can believe that things will get better, that I will have my best friend back, the man that was so supportive and appreciative, loving, generous.......