First, I am just so glad I came across this forum. Second, I can't help but be encouraged by how some couples have managed to successfully work through a marriage where one spouse has ADHD and the other doesn't.
My story is very similar to most on here. I am non ADHD and my husband is ADHD. He is also a police officer. Beginning of our relationship was hyper focus, lots of lavish attention unlike I have ever experienced. We were head over heals in love and to this day, so many of my friends expressed jealousy over how in love we seeemed and are now shocked to hear that he has moved out. We are also a blended family with lots of kids- 6 altogether and in the beginning we were really "in it" together, we put each other first as a couple and were helping each other to raise young children. Fast forward 9 years and 2 of his children are grown and out of the house and my husband has settled into a mid life crisis enhanced by lots of anger and common ADHD behaviors (anger, denial, paranoia, blaming). He was on a large case for 6 months and worked long hours. He started to drink more and more and the anger and blaming increased and I have tried everything I know to reason with him. He either wanted to argue all night or shut completely down. My husband that always bragged to his friends about me and told me how much he loved me started telling me what a bad person I was, how I was ruining our relationship and would routinely tell me to "take my girls and go" or that he wanted a divorce. Some days he would be remorseful and say he had no right to talk to me like that and then gradually he stopped apologizing altogether. The person I married is buried somewhere under layers of resentment and anger and my heart is completely broken. He turned his anger on my daughters and started complaining about them, my oldest in particular. She had a "bad attitude" (she's 17) and he would complain loudly about them both when he was drinking and they could hear it all. He's had them since they were 8 and 5 and they are 17 and 14 now. He has always said that he loved them as his daughters so you can imagine the hurt. Almost a month ago, we were arguing, he was drinking and lashing out at me and the girls. I tried to contain the argument in our bedroom, he was becoming enraged and there was no calming him down. He caught my daughters eaves dropping in the hallway and he started screaming at them, my oldest daughter screamed back at him to leave us all alone and then he and chased them down the hallway. I was in shock. I ran after him and got between him and them and me and the girls went to my oldest's bedroom and shut the door. I saw his face when he was chasing them- it went blank. It was like a switch flipped. I grabbed my cell and called the police. We were literally shaking. Police came, and after talking to each of us asked husband to leave for the night. He left and ended up moving into an apartment 3 days later- he actually signed a lease! He said I humiliated him and that he will never be able to forgive me. He said he never wants to see the girls again and blames my oldest daughter for everything! He's telling everyone that he was "disciplining" my daughters that night and takes zero responsibility. He has turned into a stranger to me. My heart is broken- where did my husband go? Where is THAT person that I fell in love with? This past month has been terrible. I cannot believe he is gone. He stays in anger and continues to blame everyone except himself. He states that he will NEVER move back in and threatens me weekly that he will redirect his paycheck, won't help with the mortgage or bills. I ended up filing for divorce and filed a motion to force him to keep his paychecks in our accounts. Divorce is the LAST thing I want but I have to keep a roof over me and my three children's heads. He wants me to just foreclose on the house, we have a son together that I have been raising basically as a single parent because of his work hours.
Husband is furious that I filed for divorce but what did he expect me to do? He did everything except file. He moved out, took everything he owned out of the house, changed his address and signed a one year lease! I have literally begged him to go to marriage counseling and he refuses. He said he wants to work on himself first... what ever that means?? He says that he still loves me but that he will never be able to forgive me for calling the police. He brings it up every time we speak. He won't even try for our son. I definitely don't want him back as he is now but I am desperate for the loving man I KNOW is in there somewhere. I am foolish for thinking there is any hope here?