I am not sure this is being post in the right forum. My fiance has ADHD and we are in the midst of another break up/make up cycle. I love him and am not looking to change him, however I am becoming weary/anxious about moving forward with things with him, the instability of the relationship is making me question whether we are strong enough together to work through whatever obstacles that we have to face.
One minute he is sweet, charming passionate and loving. The next he goes into withdraw mode where he barely wants to communicate, we have our own places right now. He even ignores communication efforts by me when he is in this mode. I don't ask or push for too much communication for fear it will drive him the other direction. I did gently suggest though to sustain the relationship that we do need to maintain some level of communication (even bare minimum when we can't see each other) just to check in. At times from his reaction, this seems too much for him.When we have discussions that become heated, he has zero filter ( I have learned to let the mean stuff he says roll right off my back, it is not easy though) and wants to shut down the discussion most times in the middle of it so we basically never resolve what the issue that lead us to that point. He goes back and forth between believing in the relationship and wanting to back out of it. But then when he ends things he will turn around a day or two later and question me why I stopped coming around or checking in with him and questions my commitment to him. If I remind him that he ended things he turns around and says he he no idea what I am talking about. I feel like I need to tape record half our discussions to show him I am not making this stuff up.I love him dearly and am a patient person. I don't mind the messiness and cleaning up after him or the forgetfulness. I am just a little unsure of how we will fare in the future if we can't figure out how to approach these relationship issues now.
Read my other posts on how
Submitted by jennalemon on
Read my other posts on how life is for decades after marrying the love of your life and you have had a history of break up and make up. My husband was my boyfriend when we were 15 years old. We broke up and made up 4 times over 10 years. Always breaking up because he would be negligent, unfaithfully flirting, or irresponsibility. We would make up because he was so attentive, humbly putting himself at my feet and promising me the moon if only I could be his rock and stand by him - he would be the guy that would always take care of me and look - we have such a history together and so much in common and oooooh I love your body! Read my other posts to see how hyper-focus plays out in the end. See how new impulsive dalliances elsewhere can hurt you after his hyper-focus on you has gone. I did not know about ADD or about the hyper-focus dance 30 years ago. Now YOU do. Congratulations for finding this site and getting the bad news now rather than after your entire life and the lives of little ones are totally invested in someone who "forgets" they have family now and then.
The "ending things" discussion still goes on to this day. He forgets that we had the conversation that had been heart wrenching and soulful to me about "this is not working out - we must do something to change this". He is ADD INATTENTIVE. He does and says nothing but fills his attention with silly games, funny stories, flirting, manipulating, denying.
Read my other posts on how
Submitted by SamStel9 on
Thank you. I am greatful for your response and for stumbling on this site. There was a lot more I wanted to include in my post. Your reply and posts are helping shed light on things for me. My fiance travels for work, in fact is gone much of the time lately, its not always this way though. I have had a nagging feeling whenever he has left town that its pretty much out of sight out of mind with him pertaining to me which is why it is like pulling teeth to get him to communicate with me at all when he's on the road. He will use multiple excuses why he can't talk to me at the end of the day, bad cell reception, he fell asleep, he was with the guys after work or that he never gets me on the phone when he does try and call me (which is a line of bs-if he calls (the rare times he does)and I miss it I always get right back to him). He also has to throw in there that he has male and female friends at these places he goes for work and I shouldn't question him if females single or married are out with the group that hangs out after work, basically he doesn't want his faithfulness to me questioned, which I never have yet..He also is on Facebook and Twitter and will more often go on those sites to post things (basically talk to the audience on there) but he will go hours and days sometimes without speaking to me (but I get to read his posts on Facebook). I questioned why its such a challenge for him to reach out to me even via text when he was away, but he has time and energy to jump on Facebook and write posts. He turned around and told me the relationship wasn't working for him, basically he wanted out this came to me on a text, he wouldn't answer any of my calls. My heart sank, I was devistated...Three days later he asks me what our weekend plans were and was shocked when I told him that we had none because he had ended things 3 days earlier. in between that time we exchanged 3 or 4 texts that had little to do with what had happened just him telling me about what he was doing, I found it a little odd..but my heart was hurting and the optimist in me wanted to believe it was his was of coming back around..
When he comes back into town though and he will get upset with me if I don't drop what I am doing and spend all my free time with him. even if I am supposed to be working, etc. or have family commitments. I feel like its a constant tug of war with him at times..
Hi SamStel9! I can totally
Submitted by beyond_frustrated on
Hi SamStel9! I can totally empathize with you. My bf acts the same way. He got a new job which makes him work away from home. Those weeks that he's away on the field is very hard for me because I feel like I don't exist in his life. I get so anxious and always find a way to reach out because he just doesn't care. He forgets a lot and do stupid things like spending our rent money on something else when he's away. It seemed to me that when he is away he doesn't think that he has a girlfriend. I don't understand. Honestly, the thought of calling it quits is getting louder and louder in my head. It's been 3 years and I feel so defeated and exhausted.
Do something that's best for you!