I have been working on me. Something many of us have in common on this site is that WE ARE FRUSTRATED! I have been doing some work on my attitude and trying to get my self back. It has to do with powerlessness. I found this on a site and it says what I am focusing on right now and it is helping me. I am ashamed I did not realize this earlier in my life. I have cried too much and sat in pain too much in my life. Here is an excerpt:
The Victim Role
...Victims feel powerless and at the mercy of life’s events and may avoid taking responsibility for their actions, finding it easier to blame others or their circumstances.
When challenges arise, the ego wants to minimize or manage the pain caused by not having life go as it wishes. For the person with a victim mentality, wanting their situation to be different than it is causes perpetual suffering. This suffering is the heart of the victim mentality and belief that they will never have what they want. Consequently Victims have difficulty answering the question of “What do I want?” and would often feel the only option is to sit on the sideline of life, criticizing and complaining. The main focus for the person who is operating from a Victim Orientation is on what they don’t want or don’t like.
It is common to feel anger and resistance from Victims. They are unhappy with life’s circumstances and, because they feel powerless, they can be full of self-pity. Hopelessness is a prevalent inner state. These feelings can create a strange sense of entitlement to what they don’t have. They can seek sympathy by telling exaggerated stories about their pain of bad deeds they committed toward others. Their criticism of others can turn inward and they can become their own worst persecutor.
I was taught to be a selfless victim. Now I am teaching myself to own my life and not be afraid to own my destiny.
The Victim II
Submitted by jennalemone on
I am trying my hardest to learn what it is that had me spinning and confused and miserable and, right or wrong, blaming H for my sadness and anger. I am learning to stop being a victim, not just in my marriage but in my general attitude in life. I am Googleing victimhood and powerlessness and finding lots of material. This is so helpful. This month I had a small surgery on my face that went slightly awry. Instead of crying and fretting, I was able to assert my concern and unhappiness to the surgeon without emotion. I was able to say everything I needed and expected without a crack in my voice. And you know what? It felt good to be in control of myself and my situation. It will take longer with H. We have slipped into a habit of me starting a conversation or stating a concern, his brushing it off and me fuming quietly. It will take YEARS, if at all possible after all this time, to change that dynamic and my voice and needs to be heard and taken seriously. But I am willing to endure the icy, revengeful manipulations of H and take care of my sanity and dignity changing my focus to what a life I WANT to CREATE.
Right now the book "The Power of TED" has my attention. I am sick of feeling embarrassed of my neediness and weaknesses. I want to be proud of my self. I want to love my life.
Repetition,Consistency and Repeatability
Submitted by kellyj on
Repeat after me....."Repetition,Consistency and Repeatability"
That's how you do it and your doing it. Now....do it again;)
Submitted by jennalemone on
Old habits die hard. I am so in the habit of victim-hood that I can see even in my initial post where I did not take ownership for my self, for my life.... ie:
OLD - "I was taught to be a selfless victim"....That was decades ago - stop going there!.... NEW - "I harbored it in my mind that I was a selfless victim".
OLD - "I am ashamed"... NEW - I don't have to carry shame around with me - I am OK. I don't have everything perfect or right". It is a new, stronger personae and way of thinking about me and my relationship with the world..my relationship with marriage....my relationship with my self.
Submitted by kellyj on
I went to the same school you did, but it's still no excuse! Damn....I hate that!! LOL One step at a time until you learn to walk....all over again!!!
Hero's Journey ........... Jenna
Submitted by kellyj on
Just for fun...I thought you might like to see the Hero's Journey spelled out here to see where you are? You're "on it"....as they say. Good for you by the way! It is the road less traveled...so you are the few and far between...just so you know :)
1. Ordinary World
This is where the Hero's exists before his present story begins, oblivious of the adventures to come. It's his safe place. His everyday life where we learn crucial details about our Hero, his true nature, capabilities and outlook on life. This anchors the Hero as a human, just like you and me, and makes it easier for us to identify with him and hence later, empathize with his plight.
2. Call To Adventure
The Hero's adventure begins when he receives a call to action, such as a direct threat to his safety, his family, his way of life or to the peace of the community in which he lives. It may not be as dramatic as a gunshot, but simply a phone call or conversation but whatever the call is, and however it manifests itself, it ultimately disrupts the comfort of the Hero's Ordinary World and presents a challenge or quest that must be undertaken.
3. Refusal Of The Call
Although the Hero may be eager to accept the quest, at this stage he will have fears that need overcoming. Second thoughts or even deep personal doubts as to whether or not he is up to the challenge. When this happens, the Hero will refuse the call and as a result may suffer somehow. The problem he faces may seem to much to handle and the comfort of home far more attractive than the perilous road ahead. This would also be our own response and once again helps us bond further with the reluctant Hero.
4. Meeting The Mentor
At this crucial turning point where the Hero desperately needs guidance he meets a mentor figure who gives him something he needs. He could be given an object of great importance, insight into the dilemma he faces, wise advice, practical training or even self-confidence. Whatever the mentor provides the Hero with it serves to dispel his doubts and fears and give him the strength and courage to begin his quest.
5. Crossing The Threshold
The Hero is now ready to act upon his call to adventure and truly begin his quest, whether it be physical, spiritual or emotional. He may go willingly or he may be pushed, but either way he finally crosses the threshold between the world he is familiar with and that which he is not. It may be leaving home for the first time in his life or just doing something he has always been scared to do. However the threshold presents itself, this action signifies the Hero's commitment to his journey an whatever it may have in store for him.
6. Tests, Allies, Enemies
Now finally out of his comfort zone the Hero is confronted with an ever more difficult series of challenges that test him in a variety of ways. Obstacles are thrown across his path; whether they be physical hurdles or people bent on thwarting his progress, the Hero must overcome each challenge he is presented with on the journey towards his ultimate goal.
The Hero needs to find out who can be trusted and who can't. He may earn allies and meet enemies who will, each in their own way, help prepare him for the greater ordeals yet to come. This is the stage where his skills and/or powers are tested and every obstacle that he faces helps us gain a deeper insight into his character and ultimately identify with him even more.
7. Approach To The Inmost Cave
The inmost cave may represent many things in the Hero's story such as an actual location in which lies a terrible danger or an inner conflict which up until now the Hero has not had to face. As the Hero approaches the cave he must make final preparations before taking that final leap into the great unknown.
At the threshold to the inmost cave the Hero may once again face some of the doubts and fears that first surfaced upon his call to adventure. He may need some time to reflect upon his journey and the treacherous road ahead in order to find the courage to continue. This brief respite helps the audience understand the magnitude of the ordeal that awaits the Hero and escalates the tension in anticipation of his ultimate test.
The Supreme Ordeal may be a dangerous physical test or a deep inner crisis that the Hero must face in order to survive or for the world in which the Hero lives to continue to exist. Whether it be facing his greatest fear or most deadly foe, the Hero must draw upon all of his skills and his experiences gathered upon the path to the inmost cave in order to overcome his most difficulty challenge.
Only through some form of "death" can the Hero be reborn, experiencing a metaphorical resurrection that somehow grants him greater power or insight necessary in order to fulfill his destiny or reach his journey's end. This is the high-point of the Hero's story and where everything he holds dear is put on the line. If he fails, he will either die or life as he knows it will never be the same again.
9. Reward (Seizing The Sword)
After defeating the enemy, surviving death and finally overcoming his greatest personal challenge, the Hero is ultimately transformed into a new state, emerging from battle as a stronger person and often with a prize.
The Reward may come in many forms: an object of great importance or power, a secret, greater knowledge or insight, or even reconciliation with a loved one or ally. Whatever the treasure, which may well facilitate his return to the Ordinary World, the Hero must quickly put celebrations aside and prepare for the last leg of his journey.
10. The Road Back
This stage in the Hero's journey represents a reverse echo of the Call to Adventure in which the Hero had to cross the first threshold. Now he must return home with his reward but this time the anticipation of danger is replaced with that of acclaim and perhaps vindication, absolution or even exoneration.
But the Hero's journey is not yet over and he may still need one last push back into the Ordinary World. The moment before the Hero finally commits to the last stage of his journey may be a moment in which he must choose between his own personal objective and that of a Higher Cause.
This is the climax in which the Hero must have his final and most dangerous encounter with death. The final battle also represents something far greater than the Hero's own existence with its outcome having far-reaching consequences to his Ordinary World and the lives of those he left behind.
If he fails, others will suffer and this not only places more weight upon his shoulders but in a movie, grips the audience so that they too feel part of the conflict and share the Hero's hopes, fears and trepidation. Ultimately the Hero will succeed, destroy his enemy and emerge from battle cleansed and reborn.
12. Return With The Elixir
This is the final stage of the Hero's journey in which he returns home to his Ordinary World a changed man. He will have grown as a person, learned many things, faced many terrible dangers and even death but now looks forward to the start of a new life. His return may bring fresh hope to those he left behind, a direct solution to their problems or perhaps a new perspective for everyone to consider.
The final reward that he obtains may be literal or metaphoric. It could be a cause for celebration, self-realization or an end to strife, but whatever it is it represents three things: change, success and proof of his journey. The return home also signals the need for resolution for the story's other key players. The Hero's doubters will be ostracized, his enemies punished and his allies rewarded. Ultimately the Hero will return to where he started but things will clearly never be the same again.
Luck....and The Road Less Travelled
Submitted by kellyj on
I know this is a repeat....but I thought of this after what I said to you? I was thinking about the idea of Luck and Opportunity and what makes the difference in what you see at the end of the road or at the end of the Hero's journey....in real life....not in the movies? It occurred to me in what I was saying yesterday to the poster who mentioned hearing about other couples and their wonderful husbands on face book as I was pointing out that you can't always believe what you here which is absolutely true. But sometimes you do hear of wonderful stories of other people and see the results only....not how they got there? It might appear as luck......gee they are so lucky? But you also don't know what it took to get there after all?
I don't believe in luck....as something that just happens? Luck...doesn't just fall out of the sky by magic...and within that in what is not true....there is luck in circumstance....as long as your on the road to get there in the first place or Luck will never happen? So no matter what you say as to what Luck is or thinking it's just some kind of miracle....I think coincidence and luck...are something that you make happen or it will never happen on it's own? There is no Lotto...in real life.....and most of the time when you hear stories of other peoples good fortune....something had to happen...before that ever happens and the higher the stakes....the greater the odds it will be?
The road less traveled is for the few and far between....because it's the hard road and is never easy...but the rewards you get at the end....are always equal to the effort you put in? And sometimes....you get lucky too but that luck won't happen...unless your on that road in the first place? In real life not in the movies? There is no such thing as Luck or miracles...in the technical sense of the word as in some kind of magic without something else to explain it?
Repetition, Consistency, and Repeatability....if there is a magic bullet, this one is it I think?
This is what made me think of this again? One more time for the road? lol
Oh my goodness I love this
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Oh my goodness I love this thread so much! I needed to read ALL of this! What a victim was (needed to remind myself), the amazing job you did Jenna on standing up for yourself and how it gave you such confidence.
I also love the Hero's Journey!!!! WOW So true! Its a forumula :-) I am bound and determined to be my own hero since I got no one else thats gonna be that for me. I am done being a victim too. I am ready to be happy, find joy, be proud of my life and decisions and not be "why me".... I am excited about working on myself and becoming a WAY better me than I have never been. Small steps gets you long distances over time.
jenna, great post
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Jenna, I know this SO WELL, sad to say. I too, am working hard on myself and finding SUCH strength and inner happiness, that I have not known for so very long. After 3 decades of being married to my husband, and feeling powerless for anything to change, I gave up on our marriage, myself, and my entire LIFE. I knew it wasn't right, but the "emotions" were so raw, and so hurt, that I couldn't get out of my OWN WAY. I was hoping for something that I was never, ever going to get, and that was for my husband to say that he wanted our MARRIAGE, wanted us to WORK, and wanted ME. .............He didn't. He did keep saying this, "Well, it's not that I DON'T love you". But, you can NOT build a marriage on a negative, or build on something SO VAGUE. Recently, he told me, he always knew he wasn't a "play by the rules kind of guy", and "He knew he wasn't good for anyone, relationship wise", which made me question why he even asked me to marry him in the first place. (especially if he ALWAYS knew this)
I told him the thing I wanted most from him was the TRUTH. Not, hope, not guesses, or maybe's, or what if's......but TRUTH. He couldn't tell me, so I had to find MY TRUTH. It has been so exciting lately, finding out the many aspects of myself that I had let go over time. I had stopped even LIKING myself any longer, and couldn't even look at myself in a mirror without disgust, because there was such self loathing from never getting his "acceptance" as his wife. He stayed in a "constant" of "there has to be something better out there" type of mode, which is totally destructive to a marriage relationship. I should never have stayed as long as I did, and had to come to terms with myself on that.
I'm so happy to say, that THAT has changed. For the first time, in a very long time, I can say that I LIKE MYSELF, AND I LIKE WHO I AM, and AM PROUD OF ME. (I couldn't say this even 5-6 months ago) But, doing a ton of inner reflection, and making decisions for ME, without the "him" attached, has been a wonderfully "freeing" thing. I was just recently very, very sick and bodily am severely weakened, but my MIND is the strongest and happiest it's been EVER, I think. I told my daughter that if my body felt as good as my MIND, I'd be in TERRIFIC SHAPE. LOL.
I've started a wellness program to get my body healthier again. I'm still very tired, and weak, but I know I'll get stronger each day, and with a more settled and content mind, I think my body will follow suit.
I too was also taught to be a selfless victim. To serve others first, and put myself last. My husband has a victim mentality, but with passive-aggressive behavior to KEEP it that way, and I was caught in this web for far too long, and I've been seeing him and our live together in a different light, with the emotions at a MUCH lower, more manageable level. It does feel good to be in control of what I say and do, without being overcome with the sadness and hurt of what we didn't have. I LOVE IT..........IN FACT....so much that I WANT MORE OF IT. LOL. The more my decisions and actions have positive outcomes, the stronger I get, and the BETTER I FEEL. (just can't wait till my body comes along with this) LOL.
I KNOW you and I (and others) WILL GET THROUGH THIS........AND BE BETTER FOR IT.
I just wanted to jot you a note and say HI, and that I'm in there with you girl. Take care. HUGS.