Everybody, I really, really need some help to make an important decision here. Please help me decide what to do because I'm at my wits' end.
I need to decide whether my husband is dangerous or not, so I can make the right decision about whether or not to let him be deported.
Some of you know from other posts that I've been with an ADDer for 10 years and married for 5. He came to the US from the Middle East almost 17 years ago when he was 21 to attend school but wound up dropping out and living here illegally. I noticed the red flags of his emotional volatility and anger problems early on and we were on-again-off-again for a few years as he "tried" (not really) to change, before I came to realize he probably had ADHD/depression/anxiety that he couldn't treat (given our financial situation and lack of medical insurance) unless we married to adjust his legal status. We had exhausted all other options so we took that chance in 2005, and ever since the government has been suspicious of our marriage and trying to deport him. We won our case in August 2007 (or so I thought) but just yesterday we got a letter from immigration that they want us to come in for an interview to see if our marriage is legitimate before issuing him his permanent (non-revokable) green card.
I already filed for divorce in January because I couldn't take it anymore and we haven't been really living together since February 2008 (shortly after he got his temporary green card). I've dealt with all the emotional/mental/verbal abuse, the lies, the infidelity, the sex/porn/pot addictions and he still goes back and forth over whether or not he actually has ADHD and needs to treat it. He isn't taking any concrete steps toward changing anything.
I'm trying to decide whether I should let him get deported. I can't tell anymore whether he's a good person or not. When he gets angry, he often gets manipulative and hurtful at best, abusive and threatening at worst. He will chase the cat, knock over furniture, yell like a banshee, swear, threaten to leave, talk about how he wants to die, he's twice threatened to kill himself (holding a knife to his stomach while doing so). He blames me, blames his parents, blames the Middle East and the education/culture he was exposed to there, blames Americans and the culture here. At least six times a year in the midst of a major meltdown he will get really creepy and start talking about committing terrorist acts, like blowing up buildings in the US or going to join Hamas and blow up Jews in Israel. He never says anything that makes it sound like he has a specific plan in mind but it scares the crap out of me when he talks like that.
After his meltdowns, he cries, apologizes, sometimes he says he doesn't know why he talks like that and is just blowing off steam, he doesn't really hate Jews or Americans and loves this country or else why would he stay here, he's met nice Jews in his time and there are plenty of messed up Arabs and Muslims too...
But over the ten years I've known him, here are the undeniable facts:
1) He often hates himself and can reach points of despair to where he doesn't see the point of living anymore (but he's never made an actual suicide attempt - the last time he threatened it, I told him to go ahead and do it and walked out the door, and he was so shocked that I'd called his bluff that he snapped out of his rage immediately).
2) He's having a major identity crisis and can hate the world (or various groups of people, in turn).
3) He is very impulsive and has a history of making terrible decisions without considering the long-term consequences (burning a lot of bridges).
4) He used to get into physical fights but I don't believe this has happened for about 10 years.
5) He has broken the law repeatedly and in the past he's had an utter disregard for the law (he's shoplifted, done and sold marijuana (still smokes it now but has claimed he'd like to quit without ever doing so successfully), gotten loads of parking/speeding tickets that he has never paid or come to court for, got himself arrested once for talking back to a cop) - but since getting his green card he has become very critical of people who break the law and claims he wants to live a good life.
6) That hasn't kept him from continuing to lie to me, or date multiple women at the same time, or try to con me into giving him money when he already has money of his own.
7) He still has a strong sense of entitlement and is very emotionally immature, and puts his needs above everybody else's at all costs (i.e. lying and concealing his sources of income, how he spends his time, the women he's seeing behind my back, the porn he watches)
8) He continues to get fired from every job he ever gets, never follows through on getting enrolled in classes to get the education he's been saying he wants for 10 years, and seems in all likelihood bound to keep on living on the edge of poverty/homelessness and will probably live off State assistance if he doesn't face his problems and get help.
9) I'm not sure just how deep his immorality goes - at times I think he just used and manipulated me to get a green card. Before we decided to marry, we promised each other that we would treat it as a trial period, like an engagement, to see if we could solve our problems - and we would divorce if it didn't work and he could go back to living his illegal lifestyle. He promised that he would go to counseling to solve his problems and improve our relationship, get on medication to treat his problems, and contribute equally to the financial/chore responsibilities of the household. But in the first six months of our marriage he was not forthcoming in counseling sessions and stormed out of several, never got on medication or even was willing to consistently admit he had a problem, never sought to educate himself to get better, and sat around playing video games/looking at porn while I spent all day going to grad school full time and working full time to support both of us financially for over two years when the government never issued him a temporary work permit. The least he could have done was be house-husband for me, but instead I'd come home late, exhausted, and have to make dinner, clean the house, run errands... But the icing on the cake is the fact that I discovered he'd been cheating on me for three years prior to marriage, and one week after we were married, he contacted that girlfriend (who had gotten fed up 6 months earlier and cut contact with him) and made up lies about how he'd gone to counseling to get better and was leaving for Egypt but wanted to say goodbye - so on the basis of this lie, he persuaded her to get together continually to have sex (she even took days off of work!!) for the first three weeks of our marriage. I only discovered this after he was arrested and put in an immigration detention center, and rather than let him get deported at that time, I told myself it was in the past and he still hadn't had a chance to get medicated etc so I didn't want to be spiteful and ruin his entire future just because our relationship was in serious trouble. Since that time, he has repeatedly hung over my head the fact that I'm his sponsor and that entitles him to get money from me now - of course if I'd just let him be deported, I'd be off the hook, but I wanted to give him this chance despite it all... and far from being grateful, he acts like he's going to exercise his legal right to drain me dry even though currently I have no income and he apparently does but has been keeping it a secret from me.
10) So, in short, he swings back and forth between a good guy and a total jacka$$. I used to tell him "the only thing consistently true about you is your inconsistency."
Just to make it fair, I have to tell you what he's like when he's not melting down - he's romantic, funny, affectionate, a great cook, a passionate environmentalist, wants to be a good Muslim but lacks the self-discipline, is very sociable and fun-loving and everybody thinks he's great because he's intensely charismatic, persuasive and charming (not to mention handsome). It seemed like we shared the same values (particularly in personal development) and approached life with the same joie de vivre, curiosity and naivete that contributed to the connection between us (but now I see how huge a gap there is between the values he professes and the way he lives, based on elaborate lies, B.S.-ing and deception).
So yesterday the immigration officers send the letter, wanting to know if the marriage is legit. Yes, it was legit for me, and I entered it in good faith but I can't say the same for a man who'd make up lies to persuade the ex-girlfriend he'd been cheating on me with for three years to get together and have a three-week carnal extravaganza a week after our marriage. Of course I'm pissed off at him and so happy I'm divorcing him. I don't trust that he will keep the promises he makes in his "good moments" when he says he won't ask me to pay anything as his sponsor because he acknowledges that he already owes me money for what I spent supporting him (per our pre-marriage verbal agreement). He was able to survive and support himself for 7 years prior to meeting me when he was living illegally and now he has a green card so there's no rational reason to justify him getting money from me as his sponsor but I'm afraid he will try anyway out of spite, which is what he's threatened to do when angry (as well as declaring his refusal to reimburse me for any of the student loans I've taken out to support him). The judge may be the one to decide all this in the end... if Immigration even lets him stay here.
I know he has a serious problem and I believed he could get himself treated here and turn his life around but he goes back and forth on whether he's even willing to admit he has a problem now. I'm afraid he will live in poverty or off State assistance at best. But at worst, I'm really concerned that one day he will become so despondent and hopeless that he will act on his suicide threats, and possibly take other people down with him. Maybe he really will blow something up! But I would hate to have him sent home and lose the opportunity for treatment and a better future (There's no future for him in his home country, other than possibly joining some militant group over there! Same problem!) just on the basis of empty threats said in an ADHD rage!
Please weigh in everyone. I'm really at a loss. I have wanted to believe in his better nature but I don't want to be blind to facts either. What are your experiences with threats ever actually being acted upon, translating into real violence? Are people with ADHD generally just going to stay in the verbally explosive stage without crossing into physical violence? What about suicide threats and attempts? Can anyone help me figure out how dangerous he actually is - to himself or others - whether in terms of violence or his threat to bilk me financially??
So tired, so tired, so tired of it all. I don't want this weight of someone else's future on my shoulders anymore.