Waiting for DH to make progress in his own therapy, but for how long?

How long do I wait? 

My DH is the ADHD spouse.  He started going to therapy last Nov/Dec and has finally been going regularly for several months.  He is seeing a psychiatrist and is on meds (although that's a whole 'nother story about his resistance to medication, but I digress). 

I feel like nothing is changing.  His behavior isn't that much different.  I am running out of patience.  I feel totally unloved and unappreciated.  I feel like I put out so much in support of him and get very very little in return.

Would it be a good idea for me to call his therapist?  I feel like DH is not accountable to anyone.  I am not sure that he grasps how insidious his ADHD is and how much it effects our relationship.  DH has told me that his ADHD is not the main focus of his therapy.  Would it be inappropriate of me to call his therapist and insist that it should be?

We were going to marriage counseling but stopped at his request.  It seemed like a good idea at the time because he said he was incapable of doing anything the marriage counselor asked of him.  I was glad that he finally had some insight and did I agreed with him.  Nothing was changing in our relationship and scheduling appointments was logistically challenging.  We were just spinning our wheels.

True, honest communication with him is very difficult because he is always negative and makes excuses and he does not listen.  Or, I should say, he listens, but does not HEAR me.

I know that I cannot change everything myself, but this season of waiting is driving me to insanity.  Where do I take it from here?  I want to save my marriage but we've been working on things for about a year now with little progress. 

Please don't suggest I pick up another book to read or try to be more understanding.  I am so busy picking up all the slack that I don't have time to read and my understanding has reached a breaking point.

Maybe you could ask to go to

Maybe you could ask to go to a session with him. It's not really fair for you to be kept in the dark in what is your relationship too. You are partners and should be able to act as such. I have said that I did not get married to be a single parent or to be by myself. I could do that and be happier. Keep talking and keep trying to ask how the best way to communicate would be for him. Email, sticky notes, phone, texting, or writing letters to each other. It may help open a dialog.

did he say

what is their focus? maybe it would help if you just had an idea of what they were trying to work on. do you think he would be open to that? sometimes therapists find things that they think are  more harmful and should be dealt with before the adhd or marriage part. waiting is not my specialty either but I know for me if I'm supposed to keep my nose out of his treatment (my husband is in therapy too) it makes it easier for me to at least know a kinda sort of area so I'm not oblivious to his changes because I dont know where to look. 

for my husband (I'm the one with adhd) he was seriously angry even though I was trying. he didnt see enough changes quick enough but somehow or another we figured out with him it was that there were things that had been needed for so long it was hurting even more see that I was trying. it was like the long drive to the store and now he was sitting outside waiting for an eternity wondering if I would even come out of the store with something that he could eat too. he didnt mind me taking all the time in the world and choosing areas to work on but there were things he needed in a marriage that were bursting. a friend told him to try telling me that he was very proud of me for doing things the way I was. then to tell me that he's really missed just hanging out with me and not talking but snuggling in front of a movie we could laugh at. something that just took us away for a little while. so he did and then he also mentioned to me that it wasnt just so he could take me to bed or anything just that it had literaly been so long since we hadnt argued and he was so desperate for a "moment" of peace to help keep us going that he knew we might now be capable of yet so that why he thought a funny movie or something would be fun.

it worked for me anyways, I hope he didnt feel like he was just "doing more effort" on my behalf it was nice to have him say I was trying and that it wasnt that he wanted me in bed but that he actually wanted to be around me, that he knew we both had trouble understanding each other and so while we knew we couldnt yet we would stop talking and do a few things that didnt require talking.

sorry that was a little longer than intended as yet I seem to be able to say what I'm trying to say by telling a story about what happened :) I hope you feel better soon!