Want to end it

I just found this site... I am lost for words.  THis is my life in almost every post.  I have isolated myself from friends just trying to manage my life with my ADHD husband.  We will be married 9 years in Feburary and have 3 kids.  He works, comes home and watches tv, plays video games and then when he is tired he goes to sleep.  Literally does not help me with not one thing.  He is like 2 kids in 1 adult body.  I have to prepare his lunches, clothes, pay all the bills, make his dr appointments and remind remind remind.  I work full time, take care of the kids ages 2, 6 and 7, take care of the house, the dog, the yard.  I can't rely on him for a thing and he treats me like crap because i'm nagging him.  I ask him why he is like this with me and he says its because of my mouth.  I know exactly where he has been because he leaves a mess everywhere he goes.  Dishes on the counter, cups everywhere, his underwear on the couch in the morning along with whatever he slept in.  Every morning he puts his wet towel on top of my dry clean basket in the closet without fail.. I wake up and immediately go to remove it because I know its there.  He constantly loses his keys, wallet, phone.  Whenever something goes wrong, it is my fault!!! I am always doing something wrong although i do everything for him and our kids.  I do nothing for myself.  He comes home from work and sits down and puts on the tv, while i am cooking dinner, doing homework with kids, running them to MMA, gymnastics or church, doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, running around doing chores.  He see's me running with my arms full of toys to put away, garbage to throw away, dirty laundry and he just looks at me and asks me to bring him a drink.  If he does decide to do something, it takes hours. 


I work as a nurse from home at night.  I am on call and if a call comes in, I have to go out to see a patient in their home.  If I get called out i usually call the neighbor or my brother who lives in the next town to come over.  The other night I asked him to help me because I had a phone call from work and couldn't talk while holding the baby who was screaming for booby.  My 2 year old still breastfeeds, that's another story.  He was sleeping and when I woke him up he screamed at me and told me he f****ng hates me and i'm a mother f****** piece of shit, then he took the baby and screamed at him to go to bed which made him cry more. luckily i had the phone on mute.  Luckily the phone call was only like 10 min so i went and got the baby back.  My son is 2 and he has yet to stay up one night with him for me, he was not much help with the ohter 2 either. The next day he acted like nothing happened like he always does.  When I asked him about it when he came home from work he said, "what i was sleeping.. i'm sorry ok."  I am so over it.  I have tried counselors.. He never takes it seriously.  He took adderall for a little but stopped taking it, also he has depression and stopped taking those meds too.  I am sure i am depressed at this point and need medication myself.  I am exhausted and fed up.  I honestly don't love him anymore.  I try and it just is impossible, I am so resentful for everything.  I see other people on FB who have normal lives and post about their awesome husbands and I just cry myself to sleep because I am so miserable.  He has not a care in the world when I cry.  He just turns off all emotion and pretends like i am invisible.  If i ask him to do something it is because i am desperate.  I try so hard to do every little thing myself and i dread to ask him for help but when I do he is always nasty and usually doesn't do it anyway.  He will say do it want it done "RIGHT NOW??".


If i could afford to take care of my kids on my own and not have to work 2 jobs and never see them I would get a divorce yesterday.  I think about having an affair sometimes to make me less lonely but I would never do it.  I am at my end.  I don't know what to do.