want to have hope, but need to be realistic

I have been married for 5 years and my husband is undiagnosed. I would really like to hear from some of you who have seen improvement or progress with your spouses ... I love my husband dearly and am committed to him forever. But I have been realizing lately that I no longer believe him when he says things like, "I am going to get fit." or "I am going to start practicing the guitar." etc etc. I feel like his goals are wonderful and he has great ideas but can't seem to make them stick longer than a week or so. I don't like the fact that I don't believe him anymore ... 


I have been married for 6 yrs. The first 1-2 years, we had our worst struggles. You said that he is undiagnosed. I really see improvement on my marriage after he was diagnosed , we read and learned more about the condition . That gave us some powerful tools to work on it and see progress. I don't know if you have try this before, but if not, worth a try.

Been there...

Hi hopeful realist and Mara,

I've been married for 15 years to a man with ADHD. He was only diagnosed 2 years ago, when I was FED UP and ready for a divorce. It had been YEARS of empty promises and total frustration on my part when he just couldn't seem to change, and his behavior drove me crazy! It got worse with time, and really exploded when our kids were born. So did my anger and resentment.

Since he was diagnosed and started taking meds, I have seen some changes in his behavior, but no major ones. He still makes promises that he can't keep, is still inattentive and impulsive, and I feel very much alone in our marriage. We are in counseling and I am working very, very hard to understand life from his perspective. It is very difficult, though, because the burden of our life together is still on me. I feel that if not for me, our lives would explode (and I worry that I'm right about that, because I keep it together for both of us). Our relationship takes A LOT of work - more than most, I believe, because listening to my friends' marriage troubles makes me insanely jealous! How I'd like to have their problems instead of mine. If your spouse can get diagnosed and remember to take medication, and if you can get into couples counseling and really commit to it, then there is the possibility of change, but if you can accept that things will not change much (at least on his end: only your perspective can change, if you want it to). This has been my experience. You take him as he is, or leave him. I'm trying the first approach, but might have to end up with the latter in the near future. Good luck.


Good luck!

Hi Chaosbuster ! My husband did quit his medications and the psychiatrics visits. The couple therapy, for us, didn't work. My husband manipulated the counseling, each time that the therapist started to talk about something he felt uncomfortable or disagree he changed the topic and they ended talking about everything else nothing to do with our situation. I felt so mad and frustrated. I though that he really did not  care , that he did not love me anymore. I wanted to make things work for us. I learned a lot about the ADHD , I started to understand a lot of things. I decided to give him a chance. I waited for the right moment to sit with him and express my feelings, without judging him, or nagging, either making him guilty. He opened his heart to me too  and after that, we both were able to made changes that improved our marriage. If not, believe me that by this moment maybe I would be divorce or separate.  I have posted more about my story in the forum. Right now, I'm reading Melissa Orlov's book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage, and I can tell you, is a good book, very helpful. Hope everything change for better for you too.