So I actually watched DH form a lie today while I stood there. Now understand that this man lies like he breathes, so it's nothing new, just that I usually don't witness it actually happening. It was kind of like an eclipse or a shooting star or something.
So the window on the drivers side door of DHs car has been cracked for probably a year. He has told me it will cost $350 to fix. This may or may not be accurate-I don't care enough to find out for sure. So over the past year he has done many side jobs where the money was earmarked for that window, like I never saw the money, which is fine-we are fine at this moment money-wise. And yet the window remains unfixed. I have offered a few times when we could spare the $350 to pay for it out of our family budget and he has said that he will make the appointment and he never has. I know that he has four credit cards each with a few thousand dollars on them that I am not contributing to the paying off of from our family money, so I gotta believe the "window money" is going toward those instead. I have no idea what he has charged that adds up to that much.
So this afternoon I asked him when his window was getting fixed since he did a side job about a month ago that paid enough for it (again). And there was this long pause (I was in the other room). And he says OH--this guy from my softball team knows someone who can do it cheaper. He has been playing softball just this summer, like since June. So I say OH that's great! How much?? Long pause. $200. Again I say OH that's great! Where is the shop? Long pause. Rogers Park. (next neighborhood over). me: OH that's super close--what's the name of the shop?? He has no idea. He called them a few weeks ago, he'd have to look it up again. When are they going to get back to you? He has no idea. So how dumb does he think I am--some unknown guy in some no name shop that he called some amount of time ago is going to get back to him some unknown time in the future?? Give me a break. It was just so humorous to watch the lie take shape sentence by sentence. There is no way on gods green earth he has EVER called ANY shop. All the side job money has either been frittered away or is paying off credit cards...that are full of charges for nothing.
Just so bizarre. No, that's not the word. I don't know what the word is. How dumb do they think we are isn't even accurate. They don't think about us that much or in that way. It was such ah A-HA moment for me. He has lied to me countless times before, so not that-just watching him assemble the untruths as he went along was really something.
Nip it in the bud
Submitted by jennalemone on
This happens here ALL the time. Exactly as you replayed it. And I, too, am looking at these odd interchanges without emotion, but with determined curiosity. As though I might learn something from the understanding of it. But I am now realizing I don't need to learn WHY he does this. (It doesn't matter or we may never know) but HOW it happened that he lies around and to me constantly. H lies to everyone (little white non-sensical things) like when he tells stories to someone...the facts are wrong and right in front of me, he will tell the listener what I did or said in the story and it is wrong or exaggerated ...just to make a story??? Anyway, I can see HOW the lie happened. Early in our relationship, I let small white lies slide, I let the little lies pass without comment with a laugh.
I thought it better to choose my battles and didn't want to be a b....h or a nag or a mother or a negative Nellie. That is where I went wrong. Just like with a child, if bad behavior is not checked early, it becomes part of the accepted behavior. The better response is (as teachers know early in the school year) to set the tone and the rules early in the game. Make a BIG demonstration about how bad behaviors or bad words will not be tolerated so that you are fighting small bad behaviors rather than big behaviors that they eventually turn into. I did not set the tone of expectation of total honesty and responsibility early in our marriage. I let lots of bad behavior happen from H where I did not give him immediate earned consequences. At the time, it was the wisdom of the day that husband and wife should not fight, especially in front of the kids. I SHOULD have walked out the door the first time he came home late and missed dinner with the kids and me. I SHOULD have sternly confronted him with EVERY small inconsistency or lie immediately after they came out of his mouth (especially in front of the kids so they learn it is a rule in the house that lying will not be tolerated). If he called me names, I SHOULD have turned around immediately and told him I would not tolerate name calling. I SHOULD have been a sterner person from the beginning. As it is, I am now being sterner (boundaries) and it is causing havoc because he is used to getting away with lying and being lazy. His words toward me when I stand up to him are harshly sarcastic. This just happened:
Me: Can I have a cup of your coffee? (He makes a pot every morning)
H: It will cost you a dollar.
Me: Then dinner tonight will cost you $7.
H: For how many dinners?
Me: Every night.
H: You mean once a week?
Ugh! For 40 years, I have made nutritious (with vegetables and protein full course meals), home made, sometimes gourmet (with sauces) meals. For 25 years while kids were home, I set the table and led the family in grace (and holiday devotions) and encouraged conversations. Sometimes H just did not show up to the table. He would either come home late or sit in his garage smoking after we called him and called him again to come to eat. The last years I don't cook like I used to but ALWAYS have either nutritious leftovers or entire meals in the fridge that I made ready to eat at about 5:30. It has become H's habit of coming in from smoking and drinking in the garage at about 9:00 or 10:00pm and pulling what I prepared out of the fridge and re-heating it. In H's mind, I only make a meal once a week? He doesn't remember and is not aware that every day I make meals for him
I have permitted H to take me so for granted, to lie in front of me, to sit in the garage instead of being part of the family. On my journey to be more mature and less a childish victim, I have learned that NOBODY gets to lie (no matter how small) to me without me calling them on it quickly, the moment the lie is put out there. No one gets to call me a name that I don't turn to them and say, "That was mean." or better, more positive to H, "Stop it. I am your wife to care for, not some tough guy you need to attack!".
For me, my own problem is that I got the idea that I had to be feminine and sweet and lovely and always to put myself last. When my own mother would stand up for herself to my dad, I thought she was being "b....y". I didn't want to be that way. I didn't want to have a marriage where there was fighting. Now I realize Mom was just standing up for herself and that in a relationship, you must speak up right from the start to declare your boundaries and your expectations (which, by the way, are NOT bad to have but necessary to HAVE those boundaries).
Any other good responses to rude, unacceptable behavior or language? If it is not modeled for us in our early years or late years, it can at least be repeated in our conciousness so that when we are put down, we are not mute without response.