Watching him work miracles... for others.

I'm frustrated and fuming a bit.


My fiance has a very, very hard time "coming through" for me in ordinary times.  He can't be counted on.  I've been so let down by him at times that I just feel like I don't have a true partner.  We've argued about this, talked about it lovingly during good times, plotted and planned to get things to work and yet it just doesn't happen consistently. 


One of his best friends is a raging alcoholic and has become increasingly dangerous (drunk driving, passing out behind the wheel, letting things catch fire on the stove and the fires spread, etc).  Of course someone needs to step in and do something about this man, help him somehow, stage an intervention or similar.


In steps my fiance - the man who can't show up on time, remember the one thing he was sent to the store for (but arrive home with $386 of other things), who can't be trusted to pick my child up on time after school, who gets annoyed at me for being "stressed" because life just isn't that stressful --- this very same man upon realizing his alcoholic friend needs help, just spent the last 6 hours on the phone with alcohol rehab centers, interventionists, therapists and friends arranging an intervention and a drying out program.  He investigated every last detail.  He planned far ahead (unheard of!!), he paid attention to detail, he worked out specifics, he took notes on numbers and meeting times and costs.  All of the things I've come to accept he is "not capable of".  He did all of these things.


I know, because I've read, that the rush of adrenaline in an emergency situation can cause ADDers to snap into focus.  To them it's like lifting a car off a child trapped underneath when 5 minutes before the accident you were a weakling. I get it, intellectually.  But emotionally.... I'm so hurt and frustrated.  He CAN do these things.  I feel somehow like he doesn't care enough to do them regularly - for me, for my child, for our pets, for our home - but when the mood strikes him, off he goes as a normal, functioning adult.  Would he EVER do such things for me?  Would it take me driving drunk and killing my liver and burning the house down for him to show that same level of attention and commitment to me?? 


As I said, I get it intellectually.  But in my heart I feel so let down by him.  I feel tricked and deceived for all the times I've made excuses to myself for him.  For the times I've told family and friends "it's not that he's lazy, he simply CAN'T do these things...".  I feel sick watching him "come through" for someone else (although I'm also proud, and I'm also relieved that he's helping someone so desperately in need, don't get me wrong...).  I want that for myself, too.  In ordinary times.