I'm frustrated and fuming a bit.
My fiance has a very, very hard time "coming through" for me in ordinary times. He can't be counted on. I've been so let down by him at times that I just feel like I don't have a true partner. We've argued about this, talked about it lovingly during good times, plotted and planned to get things to work and yet it just doesn't happen consistently.
One of his best friends is a raging alcoholic and has become increasingly dangerous (drunk driving, passing out behind the wheel, letting things catch fire on the stove and the fires spread, etc). Of course someone needs to step in and do something about this man, help him somehow, stage an intervention or similar.
In steps my fiance - the man who can't show up on time, remember the one thing he was sent to the store for (but arrive home with $386 of other things), who can't be trusted to pick my child up on time after school, who gets annoyed at me for being "stressed" because life just isn't that stressful --- this very same man upon realizing his alcoholic friend needs help, just spent the last 6 hours on the phone with alcohol rehab centers, interventionists, therapists and friends arranging an intervention and a drying out program. He investigated every last detail. He planned far ahead (unheard of!!), he paid attention to detail, he worked out specifics, he took notes on numbers and meeting times and costs. All of the things I've come to accept he is "not capable of". He did all of these things.
I know, because I've read, that the rush of adrenaline in an emergency situation can cause ADDers to snap into focus. To them it's like lifting a car off a child trapped underneath when 5 minutes before the accident you were a weakling. I get it, intellectually. But emotionally.... I'm so hurt and frustrated. He CAN do these things. I feel somehow like he doesn't care enough to do them regularly - for me, for my child, for our pets, for our home - but when the mood strikes him, off he goes as a normal, functioning adult. Would he EVER do such things for me? Would it take me driving drunk and killing my liver and burning the house down for him to show that same level of attention and commitment to me??
As I said, I get it intellectually. But in my heart I feel so let down by him. I feel tricked and deceived for all the times I've made excuses to myself for him. For the times I've told family and friends "it's not that he's lazy, he simply CAN'T do these things...". I feel sick watching him "come through" for someone else (although I'm also proud, and I'm also relieved that he's helping someone so desperately in need, don't get me wrong...). I want that for myself, too. In ordinary times.
Welcome to my world
Submitted by Sueann on
This is what my husband does for a living. He's a psychiatric social worker, and he solves other people's problems for a living. Like you said, I'm proud of him, but I wish some of that helpfulness and empathy was for me.
Yet he has no idea how his behaviors, and the fact that all the money in our household has to be spent on his needs affects me, or else he doesn't care. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.
Sparkle, my husband is the
Submitted by newfdogswife on
Sparkle, my husband is the same way. Drops the ball on anything and everything that pertains to our home, me and our child. But, let a friend call him needing something, whether it be working at their home helping fix something, researching something for somebody or working on somebody's computer problems and he is on it like flies on s..t!! Excuse my language. I get it intellectually, also but am still fighting the frustration that I go through on a daily basis. It makes me sick in a way, too when he comes through for someone else. I have mixed emotions, I'm happy that he is helping someone, he is very talented and can do almost anything but then I'm also unhappy because fixes and work at home goes untouched. I'm guessing it's the feeling of some sort of accomplishment which I know my husband lacks alot of the time. It is just sad that, at least in my husband's case, his accomplishments are directed towards people who really don't matter or who really don't care. They just want things done.
Thanks both of you for the
Submitted by Sparkle on
Thanks both of you for the understanding. It is so monumentally frustrating. It's weird, too, because I act like a ridiculous cheerleader when he does the least thing around the house. He takes out the trash? I'm practically walking behind him waving pom-poms telling him he's the king of all men. It's not like there's no positive reinforcement. It just doesn't mean as much coming from me I suppose.
We spent hours talking about it this weekend. I told him how hurt I was realizing he was capable of being this directed, but he doesn't choose to be that directed for me or for us. He said a lot of stuff. Part of it was that he doesn't recognize a lot of the things I classify as problems as "real problems". It has to be something major to catch his attention enough to prioritize it as an immediate need. Well, that doesn't bode well for the future.
Volunteer
Submitted by Nettie on
Someone told me this week that it's far better being a volunteer because one doesn't have ultimate responsibility for the project. My husband has commented that it's easier to fix someone else's problems than one's own, seemingly more complicated ones. It's not okay to ignore one's own responsibilities, but these comments may explain some of the focus-on-others behavior.