We are that crazy, screaming, white trash couple!

I cannot believe, the two of us kind hearted, compassionate, intelligent people are where we are today! Our fights are downright mentally and emotionally abusive! We lack respect for one another and the defensiveness on my ADD partners part is freakin' ridiculous! The communication is so lacking its a wonder we haven't seriously lost it by this point.

And now a wonderful note sent to me by my awesome neighbor who WAS a good friend:

"i know it's not my business, but since i clearly hear you guys in the hallway or from my bathroom.... are you seriously going to move in to another place with this guy? all you guys do is fight and bitch and complain... you're a nice girl and i think you need to be with someone who will coexist with you peacefully.

and i'm done."

I am so incredibly embarrassed by this and just want to crawl under a rock and die! It's true, I USED to be a nice girl who could coexist with someone peacefully but not anymore! I'm totally sick of it and there is no one to help us in this friggin city! :(

I love my ADD partner very much but I just feel like giving up! I can't stand that this f'ing relationship is totally destroying others view of me now! What the hell! What is wrong with me for staying in this crap? I'm trying so hard by coming on these websites, reading books, etc, "educating" myself but what good is it if I'm doing it all by myself???

I've never had somebody TRY to fight me on EVERYTHING little thing! Even when I pep talk myself into trying NOT to fight back... he still sucks me in! Oh my god! I can't handle this...

I'm so upset.

UGH. 

Defensiveness

The defensiveness used to make me want to scream and hurl something (like my head into a wall or sometimes I just didn't want to live anymore.) I say used to because my husband understands now, finally, that this is an issue and is working hard on not being so. As a result we are finally getting somewhere. Forward two, back one, forward two, back one...

I'm sorry the wake up call came from your friend. Actually, that's a pretty good friend to suggest that things might be out of whack for you. Is that man medicated? In counseling? Are you in counseling? Couples counseling? It takes two... you can't fight this alone.

ebb and flow's picture

I just feel like crying as I

I just feel like crying as I write this...

He is medicated (1 yr now), not in counseling, will not educate himself fully and is defensive if I suggest our problem is the ADD (mostly-if not solely). I am not in counseling as there seems to be nothing in this area with regards to specialists.  I do not want to waste my time talking to a counselor who doesn't fully understand what I'm going through as this will only frustrate me further. They will just tell me to leave and a whole bunch of other crap I already know and don't want to hear!

I just feel so defeated. I try to be so positive day in and day out but the arguing is killing me! I can't be with someone who draws arguments out of me as if he loves to watch me lose my mind with anger so that he's not the only one who feels miserable!

Sometimes I just want to get into my car and drive somewhere far, far away. :(

Counseling

I understand completely. We have been to couples counseling several times and they were no help at all. Finally, finally, in a stroke of luck, my husband hooked up with a very good counselor. I liked what this guy was working on with my husband so I wanted to try to see him as a couple. Again. With luck holding out, it was this counselor, who has ADD himself (undiagnosed until 10 years ago,) who detected the ADD in my husband.

I don't know how you could go about it, but maybe a counselor with ADD or a counselor who is the spouse of ADD might be able to help you both. I recently entered into counseling myself and this counselor seems less compassionate to the situation--"he could do things differently if he really wants to" sort of  attitude. There is some truth to that thinking--such as making a commitment to use a PDA with alarms, setting the timer while on the computer, etc., but it is more complicated than sheer will to act differently.

There is a lot of information here about why they are defensive, but HE has to be the one interested enough to learn about it.

 

Been there, done that

I totally hear you.  I won't go into details about my own life, because even in a situation in which I am anonymous, it is humiliating to relate, but trust me when I say, I know what you are going through.  What I can say is that if you are not yet married, keep one foot out the door until you are ready to break free, spread your wings, and fly into your joy.  I know that sounds corny, and no one who is in love wants to talk about breaking up, but don't close the door to ANY  possibility at this point in your life.  If you want to stay and keep turning into someone who needs an intervention by the neighbor, then keep doing what you are doing.  If not, just give yourself permission to do what is healthy someday.  You don't have to decide now.  But don't delude yourself that there will be a miraculous change, because most of the time there isn't.  The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and if screaming fights are what you want, you are there.  Your neighbor sounds very brave and compassionate--is he single?  Just kidding, but still......

ebb and flow's picture

fight, fight, fight...repeat. :(

I'm so frustrated with the fact that everything is a fight! Including me asking him to add to his ADD care with the outside help of a therapist or coach.

I totally feel like leaving his sorry ass alone to deal with all of this crap BY HIMSELF! Honestly, I remind him every once and a while... "If I leave, my problems with regards to his sh*tty ADD are GONE! But you will be left to deal with it for the rest of your life! My staying here is a decision... you on the other hand cannot choose your ADD, it's there whether you want to address it or not! And it will continue to be there destroying every bit of loving attention you may receive in the future. So f'ing deal with it now!".

One day, when I've checked myself in to the mental ward, the light bulb will go off in his head. By then it'll be too late and I'll have been shred to bits and left for dead. :(

I'm sorry I'm coming across as super angry right now... but I just can't take the lack of responsibility on his end. 

I might burst! :(

Screw being patient with his messed up mind! (just for a couple of days, anyway)  :(

Grrr.

Yep, feel the same!

its not easy, we lose ourselves, we become a person we do not even know anymore because we have dedicated ourselves to a person who draws the very life out of us.  Then gradually it becomes worse and worse and we wake up mad, angry and poisoned.  Do we want this? NO but it happened and now were dealing with all their carnage they left behind....

Jerry Springer :{

I don't have any advice, but I am writing because today, you led me to not feel so alone, and I am VERY thankful for that.  Everything you wrote, I can relate to. Thank you for posting!

Five years ago I fell in love with and married my husband. He was new in the USA. I had a child with intense ADHD issues; so, although we had many problems from the beginning, I always attributed them to his getting used to a new place, culture and language--and of course: to a ready made home with wife and kid. However, as the years have passed, my child has outgrown many of his ADHD issues, yet dh has not.

He has the classic disorganization, disperse mind, anger, violent out bursts, seeming like he doesn't care even after HE is the one that has caused major havoc in the home-he fights about everything and can be so mean and ALWAYS gets and stays defensive and resentful when it is he who is the cause of it all *ugh*

From the beginning, I started hand-holding (bc I thought it was due to the newness & stress of it all-& I had not a clue that it was ADD). Yet, it never changed: five years later, I have to make daily lists to remind him what to do. What he does is mainly household tasks. I have to pay bills, remember when to have the car inspected, plan vacations, and on and on. I try to make him responsible: I hand him the bills & checkbook and tell him to pay them. I tell him to take the car in to get inspected. And he does it, but would it not be nice to be with a man who thought of these things on his own?

He drives horribly, forgets everything, drinks too much and gets VERY mean.... it takes so much energy to live with him (he will tell you it is hard for him bc I nag all the time.... well, yes: bc he forgets every little thing, he is short and rude-and totally inconsistent. I will find him just sitting, staring into space, with chaos all around him which he "does not notice").

A week ago-I hit rock bottom...he has lied to me so many times and has emotionally abused me for so very long: He told another lie, I got angry, he got angrier and started acting like a madman, I tried to reason with him-trying to get him to admit he had lied-hoping he would again promise me not to lie anymore...(my bad: like that will change anything right? *sick*)---he got angrier instead of feeling remorse at lying, I felt lost and hopeless (my thinking at the time is: if he won't admit he has done wrong-he will do it again. How can I be with a man I can not trust-but if he admits it, I will give him ANOTHER chance and all will be well)...but no, he continued ANGRY, insulting and berating, the "I can do no wrong" "I don't give a damn" attitude....I felt desperate/rejected/hopeless and helpless- he insulted and insulted me -I was furious- and I lost it and hit him.

me: a self proclaimed pacifist.  Jerry Springer material *ugh*

me: a lover of all, who preaches love, peace and forgiveness.

I did the most unthinkable, horrible thing I can imagine. And when I did, he glared at me and handed me a hard object that was lying nearby and screamed "why don't you finish me off"...aarghh...the drama! I could not believe it. I still can't believe it.

I can not believe me. I hate me at that moment. Abhor me, disgust me. It makes me cry as I write this... but it is true. And I can not, will not go on like this.

It has been a HUGE wake up call. This is not who I am. It is not who I want to be. It has been difficult enough being the mom of an adhd child with serious behavior issues... but I handled it. He is doing so well now. But with my husband- it is SO hard. I yearn to have a husband that is my partner: when do I get taken care of, nurtured and loved?

I lost it and now, although it pains me greatly, I realize that I can not/will not spend my life like this. I know I am a good person, and he has pushed me too far, I have given so much ...and I can not take it any longer. A few months ago I was diagnosed with adrenal dysfunction. Stress the doctor said. I must relax and stay away from stressful situations. right.

But I try. I have forgiven so many things he has done to me. Yes, even physical. He has improved a bit.... but not enough. I have gone to therapy, tried to find fun things for us to do, I invent new adventures on the weekends & always waiting and hoping for that magical moment where it will all be "ok". But it never is.

I have asked him to call his insurance for ADHD help for years now. He always says he will, yet never does. Again today, he said he would, but did not.

I am so sad. I don't want to think about divorce, but I know it may be the best thing for us.
 

ebb and flow's picture

mariah, Don't be so hard on

mariah,

Don't be so hard on yourself! I have gotten to the point where I've smashed things and even shoving matches with my ADD partner. I AM NOT IN ANYWAY SAYING IT IS OK TO BEHAVE THIS WAY. What I am saying is that you're not alone. I too am a VERY calm, generous person with a kind heart and a lover of all. I believe those are the personality traits that got me in this mess to begin with. But when someone is lying, defensive over nothing, or just plain following you around the house continuing to argue when you've gone WAY PASSED your point of control they meet a very rage induced side... It's like every button is being pressed all at once, repeatedly. 

I've since decided to go to counseling as I believe I need help with the fact that I cannot find compassion in my heart for his disorder and instead I ALLOW him to wind me up over everything and nothing. I allow myself to get to that abusive state. I allow him to have control over how I respond to him. I let him watch me lose control over myself.

It's so scary to think I love this person. Sometimes I feel so angry I could hate him. 

It's the worst relationship and the best relationship all at the same time.

I wish we could wake up in a world where we never fought. MY dream. PEACE...

fighting every little thing

This may not be just ADHD.  Perhaps there is some Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) mixed in.

I can relate to your pain of having the neighbors complain.  When my daughter was in 4th grade she wrote a paper about having to coax her screaming mother down off the kitchen countertop.  It did, of course, get turned in.  I saw it only after it was returned.  I couldn't be mad at her - it was my behavior that was outrageous...she was just reporting on it.

As you are learning about ADHD, also spend some time focusing on figuring out what would make you happy, regardless of ADHD.  There may be things you can do for yourself, such as meditation, spending more time with friends, etc that will provide you some extra energy or support.

On a different note, I don't know if you are currently married, but if you aren't then you should set a goal of either straightening this out before you get married or looking elsewhere.  No one should enter into a marriage with the frustration you express.

ebb and flow's picture

Melissa, I've often thought

Melissa,

I've often thought there was a hint of something else there as the irritability and arguing are far too frequent and over just about everything. He is very defensive and it seems we've sort of become familiar with or accustomed to just jumping straight into a fight.

I've been reading a great deal and educating myself with video seminars, etc. I'm going to be starting therapy soon with a therapist who specializes in ADD, I think this will help as other therapists do not seem to understand the situation very well.

There is a lot of anger and resentment in me from his prior alcohol abuse issue we've since dealt with. I'm still trying to get over that and now his irritability/defensiveness has become the major issue... There's always something new! He's on meds but isn't doing anything else to help the ADD. Maybe me seeing someone it will catch on and he will be interested in starting therapy himself. Fingers crossed.

We are not married but we are living with each other. I have already made the decision in my mind that if we do not get some help for this and if there are no positive changes I will be leaving the relationship. I've also made him aware of this. It's not a matter of lack of love... it's a matter of living a healthy, somewhat "normal" life. 

I sometimes feel, even after reading the entries written here, there aren't any real "healthy" ADD relationships. It seems dysfunction just becomes the norm and you sort of "give in" to the life they live. I hate the idea of that. I'm all for adjusting to a partner... but what people seem to mention on here is just crappy. Seems like an ever draining experience. :(

ebb and flow's picture

....

the scariest part about this is that I have been meditating for about 17 years! I'm part of a religious (Buddhist!) group that meets once a week. I am close to family and friends... I've been trying very hard to recharge! I just end up feeling like such a fake... :(

It's just that I've met with something that is so foreign to me. I've never had to deal with someone like this before! I'm normally very good with people... I'm very intuitive with regards to people's behavior and emotions. I do healing work as a registered massage therapist for goodness sake! I spend all day, every day with all types of people... and very close to them might I add. I just haven't been able to figure this attention deficit disorder out. It's just such a mysterious and seemingly sporadic disorder.

I've responded very well to therapy before. I know it will be helpful to finally speak face to face with someone who understands.

I suppose along side all this anger there is a little bit of hope left. Believe it or not. 

feeling fake

I know what you mean.... I also am involved in a meditative spiritual practice..people always tell me how cool and calm and loving I am.  They seek me out professionally because of that. I get told that just being around me is peaceful.... yet I can be driven to rage by this ADHD.  Not the forgetfulness, disorganization, laziness... these things may get on my nerves-but I can handle them ok.  But the defensiveness, anger, ugly moods... and all the constant arguing and snappiness--when I wish for nothing more than love and peace.... this is what drives me insane.

It makes me feel like a fake too.

But we are not.  We are trying as best we can to survive in a very imperfect world. 

Keep the hope alive-Love is strong.

Mariah

 

ebb and flow's picture

mariah

You and I are mirrors of each other! lol We seem to be going through the same sort of emotions.... Sadly.

I agree love IS strong and it will heal all... whether he and I end up together in the end or not. :)

Therapy and focusing on the love between us should help. I hope.

And you're right... We're not fake and we're not violent, temper ridden people. We're just trying our bests to work with this disorder. Sometimes it brings out the worst in us. (again, I'm not condoning the violence/abuse).

We just have to remember where we came from.

right!  but it is so

right!  but it is so difficult and demoralizing... having "discovered" that I am capable of violence led me to a two week depression.... until I found this site. I thought I was going to have to check myself in somewhere!

Of course violence and rages are not the answer....and now knowing I am capable of getting to that point it is imperative that we get help.  What I don't want is to become hardened by this whole experience. We had been seeing a therapist, but it was of no help.

I just ordered the two books most recommended on this site, and dh has agreed to see a medical doctor for his adhd and he is willing to try meds (something I have never been for, as I prefer alternative therapies-but if it helps, it will be wonderful).

 I am full of hope for our family, and yours too!

ebb and flow's picture

Omg mariah, meds are going

Omg mariah,

meds are going to turn things right around! They don't change the person 100% and should be used along side other therapies but they do make a HUGE difference. I'm so glad for you... It sounds like a step in the right direction!

Keep the therapy up... I'm super excited to start my sessions next week!

The Chaos of ADHD!

I can relate.

I am struggling. People used to tell me how calm, cool and collected I was. I was told that I was a positive opinion leader. Sometimes they'd call me for advice and counsel - not any longer! I can be driven into a rage by this dammed ADHD. The forgetfulness, procrastination, disorganization, etc… makes me insane. I feel so defeated and impotent to effect any changes.

I sometimes think she provokes arguments because she needs to see me out of control as well. I admit I go out my mind with anger and become an ugly bastard saying things I very much regret later. Then the mutual self loathing begins. I know it’s cliché but I can’t seem to live with her – can’t live without her. We have been married for 10 years. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I always thought it would be worth it.

She is on medication but it does not seem to help. I can't imagine what it would be like without it. We have ADHD books galore. We both understand it intellectually but seem powerless to deal with it emotionally.

Our problem, like others, is finding someone who is well versed and competent to treat the two of us for the symptoms and insanity of ADHD.

I have lost myself. I have become a person I do not even know or like any longer. I have dedicated myself to a person who I allow to draw energy and joy out of me and then I can barely function. I have become very angry and codependent.

I have paid a heavy price for my love.

I do not who I am anymore.

I have lost myself to the chaos of ADHD!
 

hockeymom11's picture

Frank

I can relate too, I have become a person who I do not like anymore.  I have lost my self, my past, but hopefully not my future (spouse has ADD, refuses help).  It sounds like you need to find someone professional to talk to.  Our finances are a wreck due to excessive/compulsive spending from spouse, but I was able to find free/low cost counseling in my area.  Do you have any groups or hobbies that you belong to?  I play hockey and have found that my teammates have been my backbone, my shoulder to cry on and my place to feel safe and somewhat like my old self.  Plus stuffing people on breakaways makes me feel damn good!!  (I'm a goalie!!) :)

I do not know who I am anymore, but I"m on a journey to find myself again.  Please take care of yourself first and foremost.  Thank you for sharing your story, this site has made me feel less alone in this big mess.

Take care