Today I am sitting with my own life's reality. Reading the posts here on this forum, knowing I am not the only one who has done what I did to keep my marriage.
What I have been fighting for close to 10 years is that inner voice that says, "I want out. I want out out. I want Out. Get out. Get out. Get out. My marriage is dead. My marriage is dead. My marriage is dead."
My car broke on Tuesday. My son is a mechanic. My husband can fix cars. We have a total of 5 vehicles. Mine is broke. The company service van is standard shift, old and a mess. My daughter lives 30 miles away, works, goes to school and is using one car. My son has one of the pick-up trucks, and has an important medical appointment, so he needs to use it. My brother-in-law asked my spouse to help him today - so my spouse commandeered the other pick-up truck. I had college classes today. My spouse said, "I gotta have the pick-up truck today." The first words out of my mouth were, "I guess I'll just miss classes."
Now I am sitting here kicking myself. Why did I volunteer to put myself at the bottom of the pile? It is what I have always done. How do I get out? I gotta take care of myself. My spouse's attitude was one of not offering to help me out - he was hyper-focused on the fact he had volunteered to help my brother-in-law. So, why, oh why, did I not insist he cancel helping so I could have the vehicle for classes?
We are crazy women, us ladies here on the forum. We hope and dream for that day when we will be appreciated or acknowledged or honored or respected - by someone who is unable to do that very thing. We can't get blood from a turnip - because a turnip has no blood to give. We can't get the emotional support from our spouse, because without the proper counseling/coaching, they don't have any to give. Or, they don't know how to get at it.
The trick for me is to figure out how to get out of the Compassion Fatigue mode, and keep the focus on me. I AM worn out, MY spark is gone, and that light at the end of the tunnel is fading fast.