We Really Seem to Be Stuck

I have been trying a combination of things with my ADHD wife so that we don't end up fighting all the time.  Things like not constantly criticizing her every time I notice she forgets to do something or when she again does something I repeatedly asked her not to because it upsets me in some way or other; setting clearer limits and "natural" consequences, such as leaving at the agreed upon time evn if it means she comes later in her own car so that I don't end up feeling angry and frustrated all the time; and taking time for myself - getting together with friends without my wife and suggesting she do the same.  I have also taken on some of the chores she used to do so that I know they will get done without my having to nag her.

What's happening is that because she is so stressed out with work and other obligations, she says she doesn't have time for herself, time to get togehter with her friends, or time to do things she needs to do.  So that it ends up that more often, the time WE have together, her ADHD behaviors (like talking non-stop) seem to be amplified, or else she needs to spend the whole time talking about all the things she is having trouble coping with, not really seeming to want to hear what I have to say, but seeming to just want to do a core dump.  Add to that, she is starting to have "melt-downs" over seemingly "little" things, like when she was having difficulty getting thru to UPS two days ago to arrange delivery of a package.  Our time together these days is more often than not unpleasant - either we are fighting, "doing our own thing" - like right now, she is on one computer and I am on the other, or we have difficulty with even simple conversation.

I am beginning to feel "damned if I do, damned if I don't."  When I try to talk with her about some of these things and how I am feeling about the loss of our relatinship, she usually starts "attacking" me, telling me I expect her to be perfect.  Or she tells me she is afraid to say anything to me because I have so many "rules," or she says I always want everything in MY time, or she says she just has too many things she is working on, or she tells me I keep changing the rules on her, or . . . .  

I often feel blindsided - she'll become extremely upset and yell at me in response to something I say, and I am completely taken by surprise.  Or she'll be non-communicative.  Like sometimes she'll be quiet all night while we are in the same room watching TV, silently fuming about something, of which I am unaware, and then when we go to bed, she'll toss and turn, sigh, and keep me awake until I ask "What's wrong?"  To which she'll respond something like "You never . . . " and then goes on to tell me whatever it is she is upset about.  And it's clear to me that we definitely DO need to talk, but it's 1 or 2 am by this point and I have to get up at 6:30, and I say - "honey, I want to talk to you about this, but it's 2 in the morning" or "if you wanted to talk to me, why did you wait until we went to bed?"  And then she'll be upset because I don't want to talk right then and she'll continue to toss and turn until I DO talk, and by that time I am angry at her "tactics" and we end up not resolving the issue and both feeling like we lost.

I know she loves me and I love her, but I am at a real loss of how to get off this train or anger and non-communication.  She IS on meds for her ADHD, but she stopped her counseling sessions (she was seeing a therapist who does not seem to know much about ADHD) and I think her poor self-esteem and difficulty setting limits is making things even worse.  But if I suggest to her that maybe therapy would help she gets upset also.

Today I mentioned that maybe we need couples counseling, which she sort of agreed with.  But then when we continued talking, she started striking out at me again (verbally), intent on proving to me just how wrong I was about something I had already apologized for - twice!  So that I couldn't even continue the conversation, because it felt like whatever I'd say, she'd throw it back at me.

I'm getting very tired of this.  And I know she is also.  But we really seem to be stuck.