Something happened this weekend that made me realize that I've seen a pattern. A very, very odd and unhealthy pattern. My husband lies and hides. All the time and about stupid stuff that shouldn't matter as well as big stuff that does matter. I've known this for a long time. When he went to therapy briefly, the only piece of information he gave me was that he determined that he lied all the time to everyone. (This was supposed to make me feel better because the lies weren't directed solely at me.) I've posted exhaustively about this and I've stated that a lot of the ADHD symptoms I could live with, but not the lies. I've appreciated Melissa's instructions about lying in an ADHD relationship but intuitively rejected most of it, not because it's not valid - it definitely IS good straightforward advice- but because it didn't seem to fit my circumstances. Something seemed off, like this advice and information didn't fit my scenario.
It's not the lying and hiding that is odd - it's the way he does it. He has taken up RC vehicles as a hobby and participates with a friend from work. Fine. Good. Yesterday, while I was housecleaning, he came to me with an RC part in his hand and said sort of weirdly apologetically or deferentially but with a sort of smug look on his face (I wish I could explain this better) that he was going to "run cars" with his buddy and would be back in 2 hours. He was back in 2 hours. But.... there is a bar charge on his card today. Clearly he did not intend to "run cars" but was instead doing something else. He was at home the rest of the day. I asked him later how it went and he sort of stalled before answering me, thinking about what to say. Another mutual friend volunteered that he had been at the bar the whole time and had made plans earlier in the day.
The weird part is the "prop". Again, I wish I could explain this well. It seems premeditated and complicated. He uses physical props and specifically draws attention to them in order to support his lies. He went out of his way to come to me with something in his hand to support a lie. Something clicked and I realized he does this often. For example, we got a letter in the mail from our homeowners association, addressed to both of us. I asked what is was about. He said it a notice to repair and paint our mailbox. He then immediately left the house, went to the home improvement store and returned with paint. He laboriously explained to me about the paint and technique. (The paint is still sitting in the garage with mailbox unpainted and still broken). Anyway, it was a notice that he hadn't paid our dues for two years, unknown to me. But instead of telling me he had hidden the bill for 2 years, he created this other alternate scenario, complete with a purchase. One time he was putting a new stereo receiver in his vehicle and took pains to show me and tell me that his buddy got it as a buy one get one deal. Really???? I'm supposed to believe that? Especially when I can clearly see where and how it was purchased? One time he came home, gathered tools, put them in his car and said he was going to a friend's house to fix flooding in the crawl space. Grievous error. It was a mutual friend and I also knew she appreciated a nice Cabernet which I thought she might enjoy while dealing with the stress of a flooded crawl space ..... oooops. She had plenty to say to him about involving her in his lies. But, seriously, go home and load the car with tools? It's not always about money or whereabouts, sometimes it's about stuff he says he's done or conversations he's had with others. For example, he will lie about vendors paying for nice lunches, then I see a charge go through.
I suppose these examples don't carry much weight but it is such odd behavior. It's like he builds up a whole story to present to me. That's why I've had a hard time with the "regular" lying in an ADHD relationship advice. It's not casual, "honest" ADHD lying like, sure I picked up the dry cleaning (I'll get it tomorrow I mean... I forgot. I think we all do some of that.
I don't know what to make of this except to say, again, it's more than ADHD and I'm starting to apply unhealthy and unpleasant adjectives to my husband. More than that, I have zero faith whatsoever that there's a fix for this. There's too much going on. WTH??? What is this behavior???
The thing that I've noticed this past year is the look on his face. He gets a gloaty faint smile. I think he's happy he thinks he's putting something over on me and I think he takes some pleasure in it - like it gives him a rush or something. Does it make sense that someone with ADHD would engage in his crazy a*& behavior to get a chemical rush?
Anybody? I've reached a point of objectivity in the relationship where I know I can't fix it and I know it's more a reflection of him than me, but for cryin' out loud !!!!!! What is this? Bi Polar? I think it's a little beyond lying as an ADHD coping mechanism, given the thought put into it, he makes up circumstances. Or does ADHD compromise brain connections to that level? Of course he can't handle money. He's not operating on an honest level, it seems. If I call him on this stuff, he gets very angry and defensive or tells me I'm wrong and it "didn't happen like that' "didn't say that" , etc. You all know that routine. I'm at a loss. He determined in therapy that he lies all the time and he makes up these scenarios WITH PROPS!!