Went to Jail

I spent Sunday night in jail for not taking care of a returned check that my ADD husband said he would handle/help me with. I've been through garnishment, sued, evicted, several bank accounts closed, cars reposed  and the shear turmoil and embarrassment of it all. I've covered up so much from my friends and family that I don't even remember the truth. 

After 20 years of this destructive behavior I finally got the courage to separate from my husband, that was in October 2013. I found a nice affordable place for me and my kids and really felt like i could breath again. But, a month later I let him move in. He was struggling so bad and I wanted to help. I set boundaries and I was actually optimistic bc he was finally doing something about the ADD. Seeing a counselor and reading books. 

So back to the jail thing... By Monday morning i had self talked myself into taking all of the blame and responsibility for the returned check and for the dreaded outcome of it, i.e. court, mug shout, a criminal record. I got on to myself for not reminding him and for not asking for updates. I even went as far as to question my own sanity for even thinking he would follow through on his promise. I realized that it may not have been the wisest thing by demanding that he help me bc he was the reason why the check was returned in the first place. I told myself that this may be just some of the residue from previous ADD behavior. 

I was almost convinced until the opportunity came and went for him to reach out to me and ask how I was handling everything that had happened. He never said a word. Instead he asked me if I had gotten around to paying his car note. It brought me to that all to familiar place that I have been so many times before. Alone, angry, so very hurt and thinking about what I could have/should have done to prevent this. 

Since the events of Sunday and reeling from his lack of emotion/concern I have had waves of emotion. While I understand the effects of ADD I still struggle with acknowledging that I don't want to live like this anymore. I am emotionally gutted and I don't even recognize what my life has become. So disappointed, but I think this is that straw and its over.