The mess, no problem. I understand that I'm the one that wants things relatively picked up. So I'll do it for me, knowing it's for me.
The bills, under control. I like taking care of our finances and since I took them over we haven't been overdrawn.
Cooking, I like to cook. I don't mind doing the dishes either, especially when everything turned out well.
You work all the time, well ok. I have things I can do on my own. Your work needs you too. You're doing something important that makes a difference in people's lives.
Your iDevices, yes, you need social time. I understand (though I'm not sure you do) that this is how you maintain your social life. I can deal with the top of your head when I'm trying to talk to you.
But...the intimacy. Well, look dear, this is what you call a "monogamous lifelong relationship". Otherwise we're just friends and you're kind of a crappy room mate.
What I cannot stand in our relationship, and it's been my sticking point since we got married, is the lack of time and attention to making our sexual relationship good. You're a lust-sucker. You don't seem to have any drive on your own and admittedly have no thoughts, fantasies or desires for anything in particular. I pursue you and if we manage to make it in to bed instead of being creative and thoughtful you flounder around and ask me what turns me on. This is great right? My lover is communicating with me! Except it's the same thing every time. Why, after 20 years together do I have to repeatedly tell you the same things? Why do you have to feed off of my excitement rather than bringing anything with you? I feel forced by my body to have sex with you and I'm increasingly regretting it every time we do. You have no idea that I feel sad and resentful after sex do you. It's not because we haven't talked about it, it's because you've forgotten everything we've talked about, ever.
I feel like a whinny baby saying this here. I've read other posts and feel like my situation just isn't as bad as what others have to deal with. Still, after a long enough period of time, of being denied, put off, delayed, held back, it's getting to me, badly. Despite all her good qualities it's like this one sticks in my mind. I can't shake being forgotten and ignored when it comes to bedroom stuff. It's affected me in a bad way. I think I'm starting to fetish-ize the whole situation as a way to deal with the pain of it. It's not good. There is no good answer in all of this. None. Six years, two counselors and a couple ADHD prescriptions for you and it's all my problem to deal with. I'm being needy. I'm the unhappy one. There's something wrong with me.
There IS something wrong, you're not loving me the way I need to be loved in this relationship. If you can't bring yourself to do it maybe I should find someone that will.
Ok...I feel a little better. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
It's no fun feeling lonely in
Submitted by jade21 on
It's no fun feeling lonely in your relationship and your not being heard. I often feel I keep begging for the same thing, but no one is listening. I keep longing for his love, compassion and to feel like he wants to be with me. When I don't get what I need, I begin to internalize things and wonder what's wrong with me. I understand feeling like it is the same thoughtless routine every time. I think my husband doesn't often try, because he can't stand to feel rejected. He says it means everything to him to know I want to make love to him. When I don't want it, he feels rejected. So to deal with that, he doesn't even try. He said that was the reason he turned to porn - he wouldn't be rejected. I don't recall rejecting him, even if I did, it's my body. I guess it would be nice to have a man who is more assertive. And one who realizes sex starts long before the bedroom with a woman. My husband and I were listening to a podcast called "Sexy Marriage." It helped him hear more of the female perspective and to also hear from a guy who got it. Perhaps that might help your husband.
you too?
Submitted by kathy6521 on
I feel for you. Same situation, same pain. It can be so lonely with someone in the same room.
lack of intimacy vs. abandonment
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Just throwing a question out here that goes along with the lack of intimacy. My ADHD husband and I have had a lack of intimacy for a very long time now. We had very close intimacy while dating and pretty much while first married, but after the wedding with all the new stresses of married life and working, etc. the intimacy almost disappeared. It was like he couldn't handle working AND have an intimate relationship at the same time. Anyway,
I have been seeing a correlation in myself between earlier abandonment issues and almost "keeping it going" with a husband with severe and only partially treated ADHD. Did I do this unconsciously? I'm learning about these things now, and the things I'm finding out has been quite eye opening. Does anyone else relate to this? I know I've read a couple of others with similar backgrounds.
My siblings and I were abandoned by our parents when we were very young. (in the early 60's) when people just DIDN'T divorce. We were adopted by paternal grandparents who didn't "want" us, and let us KNOW on a regular basis what a burden we were. Along with that, there was severe physical abuse, some sexual abuse, and NO hugs, kisses or feeling SAFE in ANY WAY. We lived scared and tried to "be mind readers" to our abusers, so as not to get "more" abuse. But, there was no teaching of any kind, nor any knowing of security, learning decision making, etc. and the abandonment just continued well into adulthood. Our mother got us back when we were in our mid to late teens, but when we got there, she regretted her decision. (another abandonment) The step parents were worse, because they felt "forced" to have to "accept" us for their spouses sake. (more abandonment) I know not many kids have as many parents as we had, but it was a pattern that continued all our childhood into young adulthood.
Then, choosing a partner. The hyper-focus seemed SO different than what I knew,and seemed so real. I DO believe my husband loves me, and really did love me back then too. I just didn't know about the ADHD,(neither did he) and then the lack of intimacy that came quickly after the wedding. It felt like a continuance of before. With his betrayal of having an affair, the abandonment was off the charts and I didn't heal from it, mainly because my husband would not ENGAGE with me, and DEAL with what happened. He, like many others, "just wanted it to go away"..."It's in the past, let it be in the past".....and that's NOT how you deal with betrayal. Anyway, for MYSELF, I am working on my abandonment issues and am working on HEALING from this. It can't continue any longer, and I know other things will follow. Just wondering if anyone else has felt this as well.
This one was different though, because here, our SPOUSES, who CHOSE to "love"us, took vows before God and man, and this was supposed to be different, right?
Well, maybe not.
Abandoment
Submitted by Krina on
I have OCD anxiety issues stemming from lack of security abandonment & neglect. My early life was not as nearly as difficult as yours but my parents had me late in their lives. Their 2 older children got every attention, affection and consideration it is still the same way today. I was left to "raise" myself, never a hug or affection my mother would tell me she was too busy for that nonsense. My dad never talked to me and I was always in the way with my mother taking every anger or frustration out on me. After having a child in my teens, man walked out, parents disowned me and sent me away. I put myself through school, raised my son and worked at night to as not to be away from him very much.
I met my ADHD husband when my son was 4. I thought I had met my Knight in shining armor, the hyper focus had us on the phone for hours and stealing every moment we could be together. It was exciting and different and UNLIKE anything I ever had before. I thought I had married my soul mate etc.
Then it wore off...and the lack of intimacy was all blamed on me...I was too needy...I didn't clean up well enough...I didn't cook what he wanted and there for he wasn't able to "love me" Spending my whole life attempting to be "GOOD ENOUGH TO BE LOVED" has made my self worth non existent. I did however take a stand with my extended family 2 years ago because I was exhausted by being the escape goat for everyone. We no longer have any contact...Now I wrestle with my relationship with my spouse attempting to deal with my anxiety/OCD and pull myself up by my "boot straps"
The funny thing is that when I was abandoned and pregnant at 16 I THOUGHT that was the lowest part of my life...how wrong I was
Abandoment
Submitted by Krina on
I have OCD anxiety issues stemming from lack of security abandonment & neglect. My early life was not as nearly as difficult as yours but my parents had me late in their lives. Their 2 older children got every attention, affection and consideration it is still the same way today. I was left to "raise" myself, never a hug or affection my mother would tell me she was too busy for that nonsense. My dad never talked to me and I was always in the way with my mother taking every anger or frustration out on me. After having a child in my teens, man walked out, parents disowned me and sent me away. I put myself through school, raised my son and worked at night to as not to be away from him very much.
I met my ADHD husband when my son was 4. I thought I had met my Knight in shining armor, the hyper focus had us on the phone for hours and stealing every moment we could be together. It was exciting and different and UNLIKE anything I ever had before. I thought I had married my soul mate etc.
Then it wore off...and the lack of intimacy was all blamed on me...I was too needy...I didn't clean up well enough...I didn't cook what he wanted and there for he wasn't able to "love me" Spending my whole life attempting to be "GOOD ENOUGH TO BE LOVED" has made my self worth non existent. I did however take a stand with my extended family 2 years ago because I was exhausted by being the escape goat for everyone. We no longer have any contact...Now I wrestle with my relationship with my spouse attempting to deal with my anxiety/OCD and pull myself up by my "boot straps"
The funny thing is that when I was abandoned and pregnant at 16 I THOUGHT that was the lowest part of my life...how wrong I was
Definitely Not Alone...
Submitted by powerhouse on
This old thread spoke volumes to me, esp. with the exact phrases like "married roommates". I'm here to find answers but as the original post states, this issue is the scariest for me because there appears to be no other solution for the non-ADHD mate in a monogamous marriage. If someone were to put food in front of a dog, and move it every time the dog attempted to eat, we'd consider that so cruel. But this is just how the physical/mental intimacy need feels, as we look to the only one who can fill that void , but they aren't even thinking about us as we must look at them daily.
There's so much to give, but no one to give passion to, and a want to be desired, but no one to desire you...
18 yrs and we are "MARRIED ROOMMATES"
Submitted by Krina on
You might as well have been writing your comment from my life. I used to be a vibrant sexually liberated & desired by many in my youth woman. 18 yrs of wondering why others did and still do find me attractive while my own husband has absolutely NO desire for intimacy has destroyed my self worth. I have never had an affair but definitely understand now why many choose that option.
I have considered ALL of the crazy angles even trying to open the subject of adding an additional partner to our "marriage." The one thing that stopped me was my children, I wanted them to understand there is "normal" out there even if we don't live it. It does leave me bitter and alone at this point, like I am a prisoner because of 1 bad choice of saying I do.
I am intelligent enough to know that sex/intimacy isn't the be all and end all, but for a woman that enjoys that part of herself it's an important part. It's important to feel like your spouse "love, needs or desires". During our early years of marriage it caused more than 1 fight and his hurtful response it that I was too needy or sexual. Devastating doesn't begin to express what that does to a young wife...I had other options & suitors but at the time I had NO IDEA about his ADHD he hid it well until it was too late for me.
I was in a foreign country away from family, no job and a husband who could have cared less if I was dressed in a snowsuit or naked making dinner. Our heated courtship and whirl wind romance wore off quickly after the "I DO" I did everything I could do to "change" me since I was under the belief it WAS me...I knew I wasn't perfect so I listened to every crap thing he had to offer.
NOW NOW NOW 18 years later and I know its not MY issue...I have listened to I too many lies, promises or expressions of change. But it doesn't stop me from feeling horrible I am considering an affair, divorce or escape on a regular basis. It seems so stupid because he doesn't beat me or abuse my children...to the outside world he seems to be a hard working guy. I feel SELFISH for wanting love or intimacy that maybe that is just TOO MUCH for me to have. But I am not a woman who needs fancy clothes or diamonds...I cook and live on a budget (even though he doesn't) I can wield a power tool as easily as a sewing machine. So why is "LOVING ME" hard to do from the man who professed deeply in the past. How much more sacrifice should I person make for another.
Today we live as "married roommates" I care for the last of our teenage children, we will be empty nesters in 4 yrs and I consider all the time what future do we have? and is it my responsibility to give up my desires because he has NONE?
You are not alone..I hope you find the support and answers that are best for you,
Take care,
Krina
lack of sex / intimacy
Submitted by dedelight4 on
This is something I know well also. Having your husband "want" you before the wedding, and maybe for a while "after". But, then getting the sex shut off very quickly was also a blow to my self esteem as well. My ADHD husband would never TALK about sex, at any time, except for when he was "bragging" to his buddies to try to convince them he was some sort of a woman magnet. But, all that was, was bravado speaking because he felt so bad about himself sexually. The first year and a half wasn't too bad, in fact he got a little better because he was sort of "feeling better" about sex, but it was a LOT of effort on my part to help him feel that way.
But, he did nothing on HIS part, to initiate sex or try and make ME feel good about MYSELF physically. The worst part, was AGAIN, that he would NOT TALK ABOUT IT. This has been a running thing, with everything in our relationship. HE WILL NOT TALK about relationship problems. He KNEW my background, and how I was abandoned and abused, and he would NOT even consider that by ignoring his wife sexually, it was "also" a type of abuse, or certainly "neglect" of a very important part of marriage.
It made it so much worse when he had his affair, because not only was he neglecting ME sexually, he was taking up with another woman and giving HER what he was supposed to be giving me. The damage is and was, more than he's ever wanted to address. And acting like it's "in the past" is NO WAY to deal with betrayal and infidelity, but that's what's happened.
I asked myself every question in the book. Read every book I could find on human sexuality, "turning on your husband", etc. BUT none of them talked about having an ADHD husband and the problems they have with sex and physical touch/stimulation. Some, ADHD'ers go the OTHER way and are OVERLY sexual, driving their partners into thinking they are not "sexual enough". There is the "blame" thing again in action, where the untreated ADHD persons, just don't want to accept that anything is their fault, or under their control to change things for the better. It wasn't until just 8 or so years ago with the diagnosis of ADHD, that many more questions were answered, but it still doesn't answer my husband's lack of "connecting" with me physically, mentally, sexually, spiritually. I know some of that is the "time thing", where his concentration is about a minute and a half, and then it's on to something else. It doesn't do much for me though, because it's not enough time for MY self esteem and "love batteries" to get recharged.
He is getting older now, and is just beginning to "see" some things he never wanted to look at before. His body is making him slow down, which with hyperactivity, he's NEVER been able to do. It's forcing him to look at some things differently though.
Anyway, it's been very hard being married "roommates", which was something I tried to warn him about years ago. I wasn't ugly about it, but I was trying to get through to him that if we can't CONNECT in intimate, loving ways, WE will end up, only being roommates, instead of a a close knit, loving married couple. I have to admit it's been very hard fully trusting him like I did before. Because I don't want to give him all the love and attention I did before, only to have him have another affair because he now feels he's "safe" again due to such a lack of impulse control and whatever else that was.
I haven't had the love or attention I've needed from this relationship either, it IS what it IS. I've accepted that, but I know something inside me has died or been buried and needs renewal. I can't choose the way of having an affair myself......just can't DO that one...and make it even worse for myself. He's been nicer to me lately, and been trying to help me in other ways, which I really appreciate. The lack of getting hugged and kissed and made to feel like you are the most important woman in the world, is just a dream, and it makes me cry, knowing that, I don't get that, even if I give that to HIM. What is wrong that makes them this way? to say one thing, do another, and then refuse to give you what they KNOW you need and would love. They would get SO MUCH MORE IN RETURN, but again, it feels like they withold it on purpose. Still trying to figure it out. Maybe I never will.
"What is wrong that makes
Submitted by Kansasry on
"What is wrong that makes them this way? to say one thing, do another, and then refuse to give you what they KNOW you need and would love. They would get SO MUCH MORE IN RETURN, but again, it feels like they withold it on purpose."
This post is old but when I saw these words it was like I wrote them!
Not only do i feel and think this all the time but I actually have said it to my H. He actually told me those things are not for me. We are married and I should just know he loves me and be good. He said it makes him happy to flirt with women and make them feel special and wanted, desired even. It makes him feel like a man. He said he likes knowing that he made their day with his behavior. And when I point out that it probably does make their day, I know it would make mine if he behaved that way to me, he says he just doesn't think about that for me.
When I confronted him about his several EA's and demanded an explanation about our non existence love life and intimacy just 3 months into marriage, he said he gets to flirt with beautiful women all day. so when he comes home, he's not interested any more. His sexual flirtations were enough for him.
It breaks my heart to wait like a begging puppy for his attention and affection while I'm forced to watch him give everyone else what I'm begging for. And it drives me crazy to have him deny he does this even when I have proof, call me crazy (mental illness is not the same as being driven mad) And to seal the deal he takes to his phone and facebook and will tell the world about our fight, my mental illness, my behavior real and made up and will actually write out that he is the perfect husband. And all those women he flirts with come to his aid. All his guy friends have his back because he is always there for them so I must be nuts. He encourages people to add in nasty comments and call me names. He encourages people to help identify my illness. Time and time again.
Of all the tings my H does that is destructive, this is the one cycle is the thing that will either break me completely or push me out the door forever.
This thread strikes close to
Submitted by copingSAH on
This thread strikes close to home... it may be too late for physical intimacy but I'm still yearning spiritual, emotional, even mental erotic intimacy. I have come close to some semblance of "ecstasy" only via reading the written word or feeling the acceptance in the voices of spiritual speakers.
A quote: about unmet love
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I've posted this a while back, but it still holds true.
QUOTE: "A coward is a man who awakens a woman's love, with NO intention of actually LOVING HER."........by Bob Marley
It's interesting that this was said by Bob Marley (a musician) but it is true. I do believe many ADHD men want to be like other sexually more secure men, and be amorous lovers, but have so much fear themselves about being rejected, and/or feeling inadequate that they stop doing what they KNOW their wives need from them. Some, like my husband won't even TRY to learn about women's sexuality and emotional needs to help his OWN inadequacies.
Hyperfocus stage
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I have to wonder if some are able to overcome the insecurities during the hyperfocus stage, only to fall back into old patterns later... hence the "stopping." I've read time and again on this forum that spouses were able to pay attention to needs early in the relationship but not later.
""A coward is a man who
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
""A coward is a man who awakens a woman's love, with NO intention of actually LOVING HER."........by Bob Marley"
Aint that just the solid, real truth.... :-(
My husband was super promiscuos in his "youth". I knew him back then and watched him literally romance and charm the pants off of women nearly every weekend. And when we finally got together, while we were still long distance - he romanced me in the same way (though via calls, texts and online chats). Once I visited him in person for the first time - it all changed. He has never put any more effort into being that same amorous, romantically attentive man that he was. Talk about a humiliating blow to my own self esteem.... he insisted nothing was wrong - FOR YEARS... gaslighting me (looking back I can see it for what it is). And now - after 7 years of this, I have had enough. I am taking back who I am, and WANT to have that partnership of an intimate, responsible, RESPONSIVE partner. He can be that - but he absolutely chooses not to be. Granted his intimacy issues are also rooted in CSA, aggrevated by ADHD - but nothing that is "un-fixable". And the sad thing is - I am fine with the lack of intimacy until he could work through some of those issues. But since he is refusing to, and has decided that its not worth it an apparently never was (he has been pretending to want to be with me for years according to his own words) I am moving on and looking forward to having a relationship with someone who DOES find me worth it.
And I think that hurts more than anything - that to him, I will never be worth the effort.... even after everything I have done for him.