I have read Delivered from Distraction. It is a great resource in understanding ADHD. But, here's the thing. I just read the chapter about "what kind of mate is best". The problem is, I have been married for 11 years, and I am not the best mate. I am having a horrible time accepting my constant give, and getting nothing in return. I'm a go getter, I micromanage, I feel resentment even when I try not to. I am embarassed when we go to a family get together and he expects to be served and sit on his butt, and do nothing, and escape when he needs to, and all the other things he "needs" to do. But, I am not the kind of mate that is best. I've tried to be, but I cannot handle taking care, nurturing, and being sympathetic all the time. What do I get out of this marriage? What are my options here? When is enough is enough? What do we do now?
but what about me?
Submitted by Grimley on 07/27/2014.
I too resent the 'which kind
Submitted by ChrisChris on
I too resent the 'which kind of mate is best' chapter in Driven To Distraction. Because basically, the message is the best kind of mate is a doormat. Or to be more precise - a doormat with a bottomless bank account, unyielding energy and a perma-grin.
Being a Good Mate. and Other Random Thoughts
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I have never taken that chapter from Delivered from Distraction to mean you should be a doormat. I always thought it meant that as an ADHD person, I deserve to be loved even with my flaws. Remember that Dr. Hallowell has ADHD as well, so his thoughts are from that perspective. He must hear from a ton of people with ADHD, some of whom are trying WAY harder than it appears, who are being shit on by their spouses. I know there is a lot of genuinely CRAZY behavior (some of which SHOCKS me, and I have ADHD) described on this website and others like it, but I SWEAR, we are not all a bunch of narcissistic a-holes :) ! Some of us REALLY STRUGGLE!
I periodically re-read parts of that book, and I have found that chapter depressing at times, though. I must admit thinking at some point, "But my husband IS like that 5th grade school marm!"
That was when we were REALLY doing poorly together, so I can understand evaluating that chapter differently when you feel down about your marriage or possibly viewing it as a judgment of your marriage.
There is hope. My husband and I still have plenty to work on, but now we are doing it together. I actually feel like I can approach him with issues, and I am not running away from my own (or from conversations with him).
I don't think anyone should be expected to tolerate intolerable behavior. Random question: who is serving your husband at family functions? If it were my husband, I would tell him where the food is and walk away, and shoo away relatives who are trying to coddle him, saying, "He's a big boy. He can serve himself."
He does it because HE CAN. If no one served him, he would either starve or get off his lazy ass, right ;) ?
None of us are "the best mate." You just do the best you can at the moment, and hope and plan for tomorrow's best to be a little bit better. That's all you can do.
Sorry for the lack of transitions. I need to get to bed :)!
Hi Grimley :)
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Grimley...My make up is in many way's much like yours...I am not the best mate either or at least I felt that way for 4 years...Especially when I didn't accept my wife for who she is and realize like Momof2 said she is doing the best she can...And that usually plays out with me shaking my head. I'm learning messes are a lot easier to deal with than conflict...Here are a few things I have learned to do: 1) See myself, here myself, be responsible for my own emotions. 2) Try to not determine how something should be for her. 3) Try never to enable bad behavior...I personally don't think we could have made it this far without the 10 months of counseling...I found out many things about my wife that she was to proud to open up and share with me...For instances...The counselor had me speak three or four sentences to her and then asked her to tell me what I had said...She could only tell me the first few things...She wasn't following me at all...I just wanted to cry, because so many of our arguments started when i was happily telling her some story...And she would rudely cut me off, like i wasn't talking and start going on and on about my monologs etc...Anyway, I see differently now, I try to refrain from being so long winded, and keep it two sided. I would suggest boundaries for the things you feel taken advantage of. Here are a few of mine: 1) Timeliness, I go on time 2) Cleaning of the house, I gave her one room to pile stuff in, but I told her I would always at least keep the floors clean and the house picked up, so our children, grand kids etc...could have a place to sleep or set...So I do that, she helps:)...3) We do not share bank accounts, and after a few years of hair pulling I now do my taxes on time and separate from her...It cost more, but I gladly pay it 4) What can happen if these boundaries aren't done in love is it can become a pissing contest...My wife is very competitive and so is her husband :)...So the counselor was good for us to have for accountability. We had built up so much bitterness, it was hard to have a conversation. She still wants to make judgments to this day, instead of saying...I feel this are that...Conversations that start out with (YOU are, or You think,) stay away, these are no no's...Every person's mate is different add or not...So what works for me or was a problem for us may not be a problem for y'all...But, calmness, love and respect has to be there from both sides...Also, now I don't feel like I'm the wrong mate...The more we learn to share our strengths and not keep score :), the better our relationship has become...So, you may find out you are just the right one...But, if I was you, I would learn to take momof2's advice...If you can't learn to look at the man you love, and tell him with a pointing of your fork, The food is right over there, and walk away eating your piece of cake with out another thought about it...Then you may live the life of a miserable enabler...Add isn't laziness, but some add people are lazy...Blessings!