ADD does not MAKE someone cheat or be unfaithful. Stats show 50% of men cheat and that may be higher than the stats due to laying about it. Blaming cheating on ADD a is lame cop-out.
ADD is not lying. Lying and keeping secrets is a poor coping strategy of the kind of person who would lie and keep secrets even if they didn’t have ADD. There is a difference between being confused about the facts, being genuinely forgetful and seeing things from a different perspective than outright and deliberate dishonesty. Many ADDers are also terrible liars unless they choose to develop the skill.
ADD is not free loading. ADD does not make you a user. It may cause what can be perceived as laziness (lack of energy and motivation), but a true freeloader who relies on you to do everything for them would still be a selfish lazy bum even if he didn’t have ADD. Many people with ADD can work two jobs and go to college full time, or be single parents of two kids or keep a clean house, medicated or not. ADD is not an excuse for doing nothing, it may contribute but personality and poor relationship dynamics are just as (if not more) to blame.
ADD is not selfishness and a lack of empathy. ADDers are quite capable of empathy and can be very selfless people. Struggling to see someone else’s point of view is not selfishness, refusing to see someone else point of view is. Struggling to see another person’s perspective is ADD, refusing to even try is just plain selfishness and is their personality flaw, not ADD. Struggling to communicate with polish is ADD, deliberately being mean or verbally abusive is not. Someone who is this selfish and unempathetic would be selfish and callous even if they didn't have ADD.
ADD is not poor morals. Poor morals are poor morals.
ADD does not make you an abuser. Someone with ADD who is abusive would probably be abusive if they didn’t have ADD. Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional or verbal; it is DELIBERATE intimidation or manipulation of another person or an intrusion into another's psyche; the purpose is to control another.
ADD is not fixed in a few weeks or months and the treatment is a life long on-going process.
ADD is not our personality, though it can contribute to expression of that personality.
ADD is never easy, fun or enjoyable to have. 40% of adults with ADD have anxiety, 30% have depression, ADD does not make you care free.
ADD is not a lack of intelligence, though it can affect how that intelligence is used and expressed.
ADD does not make you a "grown child" though some will fall into that sort of relationship pattern. A parent/child relationship is the result of both parties being poor at dealing with the power exchanges in a relationship and ADD is not solely to blame for such a dynamic. ADD can cause an ADD child to be 30% behind other kids in emotional development but this does not infantile adult ADDers unless we are placed in that role.
ADD is not the inability to be respectful or responsible. Though it can make being respectful and responsible a greater challenge.
ADD does not make you addicted to porn or any vice. It may make you somewhat more likely to become addicted to something, as a means of escape, but you have to be the sort of person who would become an addict in the first place, ADD or not.
ADD does not make you not want to be a better person. It makes growing and changing a greater (but not insurmountable) challenge. Fear, lack of self esteem, depression, anxiety, not knowing what to do and being a self jerk are the kinds of things that make you not want to do what is needed to improve yourself. Most people with ADD struggle and fight to improve themselves, though sometime this is a two steps forward and one step back process.
ADD is not being unfeeling,
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
ADD is not being unfeeling, uncaring, cold or callous. ADDers can feel, care and we do give a damn. ADD affect emotional regulation this means that we may feel something more or less strongly than we ought to given the situation but it does not rob us of emotions. ADD also makes it difficult to communicate and express emotions in a way that is meaningful to nonADDers. I am just as capable of gratitude and sympathy as anyone else, but my ability to make that come across "properly" is impaired. ADDers who seem to have no emotion or empathy at all may have a disconnect due to stress or as a poor coping mechanism, may have depression or Aspergers or some other comorbid.
feelings
Submitted by brendab on
I am just as capable of gratitude and sympathy as anyone else, but my ability to make that come across "properly" is impaired.
Miss Behaven,
I see this often when I visit with or talk to my exBF. He feels deeply but is like a stone wall and doesn't express it until much later if at all. I think part of it is being male and part is ADD. On the other hand, I can break down into tears easily and need to resolve whatever issues are between us as soon as possible. I do not like broken relationships of any kind, I need harmony and resolution. He seems to be able to box up conflict indefinitely. Sometimes I think this is why he becomes so anxious and depressed--it is all those emotions he has ignored or has procrastinated dealing with.
brenda
Thumbs up!
Submitted by jules on
This is amazing... thank you!
point of view
Submitted by 1frustratedADHDmale on
I am having many marriage problems, 75% of it is probably due to my personality and ADHD my (possibly soon be ex-) wife being a successful type A controlling personality.
I was not diagnosed until after college and graduate school at 26yrs old. I did not really believe, know or except it until 2006 and now at 37 and still learning to cope with it and how it effects others. I am going through a divorce that she wants, we have two daughters (4 yrs and 6 mos) and feel horrible that I have driven her to this point. I have no doubt she loved me deeply and cares for me but have not understood until recently how and why she is so distant. That is what led me to some forums.
I have read many of the posts and see now that what it does to the "other one" and realize it is not just her being crazy or controlling. Although not fair to the spouse, it is not easy to learn to cope and function well in society or relationships for that individual with ADD/HD. Although there are many problems with our relationship, I have always loved and adore her but never understood the cold emotional connections we had. I drive her hate me, then I get more depressed and frustrated, then push her away .... it is a vicious cycle. I fell as though I am reading her own posts while scrolling through and did not realize how and what I do to her was really effecting her.
All though everyone is different, one mistake spouses without ADHD seem to make is think that everything done is deliberate or calculated. It is not, but I also understand that one's intentions and true feelings may not be important or apparent when in a relationship but it is the results and perception that is.
Having not read a book until my mid 20's and organic chemistry (and learning overall) come so easily, I often have people say "I wish my mind work lie yours". To them I say the same because this is torture and I would never wish upon them or a future spouse what we go through often. Although I do not want to give up, I now understand and do not fault her for wanting a divorce. One thing that struck so hard and made me realize what I do to her deliberate or not is I thought I lost one of the greatest I ever received (aside from my daughters and my life). It was a scrap book my Grandma's recipes and pictures of her while I was a child. I found it but while looking it made me realized that my ADHD and its results and actions effect her so much and is not good for our relationship no matter how hard you try or want to get better.
To people with ADD/HD and the spouses coping, please get help and do not let tings get to the point where I am and our marriage/family are. Help is not medication or seeing a ADHD doc but also working on the relationship too. Good luck to everyone and pray for me and the many others in our situation.
things can be different
Submitted by brendab on
1frustratedmale,
I am not married to ADD but my heart often feels heavy after reading stories like yours. I am so sorry what your family is going through, and I pray for people on here. Deeply reflect, get good counsel, and listen to the nonadders here. Really listen and believe them when they are trying so hard to express their deep hurt and frustration. Join a support group, get medication, learn some new ways of coping, and never give up. ADD is just one part of who you are, and I totally believe you can turn your life around and defeat the negatives ADD brings into your life.
Brenda