What am I doing…

What am I doing…

My wife is my true love. We have been married twenty-two years and have two children.

I don’t understand why I push my wife away. I hurt her constantly. I avoid her and the conflict. I don’t communicate and when I do I am not clear. I am a workaholic.


I was married once before and after seven years my first wife had an affair. I found out and we got a divorce.


When we first were married I was a very insecure and jealous. My wife would sit for hours to make me feel secure and safe in our marriage. I always wanted to have my own business so she supported me in this endeavor. We had a business together and after ten years the economy changed and the business started failing. I kept this from her and then when the IRS started threatening I could no longer hide it. I was too embarrassed to tell her. I had a breakdown ended up in the hospital. So after our first six years of marriage I was diagnosed with ADHD, Depression, and PTS where I was put on medications. My wife had to deal with the IRS and the state alone. After getting out of the hospital I was able to sell my business and we broke even financially. I landed a great job and felt good about life. I worked twelve to fifteen hours a day and traveled a lot. Financially we had a late start but things defiantly turned around. I worked and my wife took care of everything else and I mean everything else. Without her total love support I would have never been able to do this.


Ten years ago at place where I worked a girl in the office thought I was the greatest. After about six months I went out to dinner with her twice. I had the opportunity to have an affair with her but realized what I was doing and that I truly love my wife. I stopped all interaction with this girl and she changed jobs shortly after.


Five years ago I was offered a position in another state. As a family we agreed to move and leave our friends and family for a better life. I was going to be able to work less and be available to my family more. Before we made the final decision to move my wife asked me if I had an affair. I told her no. Deep down she knew but felt our life would be different. I would be home more and that would make the difference. I finally told her three months ago about the other woman and what took place. She is angry.


My wife was a people person, will talk for hours to get the details about a situation, loves life, and is religious. Well after twenty-two years I changed that by pulling away, making her feel like she has no partner in life, I have said horrible things that I did not mean just so I would not have to confront issues.  The problem with our marriage was me. I am introverted, do not communicate my feelings, walk away from confrontations, and fall into old habits. I have put this off for so long now that I can’t get passed her anger. I do not blame her. I do not want to hurt her any more. We had another fight last night.  I don’t know why but this morning I told her I am not going to change and because I am hurting her and the children that I should move out. What am I doing? I can see it so clearly but as soon as we start to talk I get lost in thoughts and emotions. That’s when I fall into my old habit of claming up or saying something mean. Why?