I think the hardest thing for me at the moment is dealing with H not being present. We did Melissa's couples course last year and things were going great. H was having regular appointments and he was really really making an effort to create an intentional relationship. fast forward a year and yet again the downward spiral has started.
It started going downhill when we went and stayed with a friend of mine for the weekend a few months ago. He forgot to take his meds and spent most of the weekend on his phone not really speaking to anyone. I realised that without his meds he has no other coping mechanisms to deal with his symptoms and it feels from my point of view that he has come to rely on them and weed so heavily that all of the tips and advice from the couples therapy have been forgotten.
I feel I have tried my hardest to be patient and not let his overload of symptoms be an issue. His dose of concerta has recently been increased and it seems that he is running at a million miles an hour. His impulsively is off the chart, his anger has been palpable and distraction back to the point where he simply isn't present for most of the time.
He doesn't see any of it. I have tried to speak to him about it, but he doesn't see any of this as a problem. His low self esteem filter won't allow anything I say to be taken as mere observations of symptoms without him getting on the defensive. He asks for specific examples and when given them either denies them or has an excuse or blames anyone but himself. (usually me)
After one of our arguments I wrote him a letter very calmly apologising for my part in the argument, telling him how much I love him, and explaining how it's his symptoms I get frustrated with and not him as a person. I honestly feel the only way to stay sane is to separate the symptoms from the person. I went on to explain how I understand I have my own issues and pointed out what they were and how I planned on improving them. I also wrote a letter to his adhd to try and help him understand that my recent frustrations lay with his symptoms. Fast forward another few days, and it's the anniversary of my son's death. He would have been 23 yesterday. I had many text conversations with H during the day where I told him I loved him, enquired after his sore back, we had a good hour after he got home from work where we talked, I went out and when I got home and he was in bed. I made sure everyone stayed quiet only to go to bed myself a while later to find he was sat up playing a game in his phone. He didn't even look up until after I was undressed and already in bed before he felt able to put his game down and speak to me, all inconsequential crap about TV etc. I said that I had spoken with my son's father and just wanted him to know so that he wouldn't think I had gone behind his back and spoken to anyone else. I had to just laugh at his response of “oh yeah I knew that was today. I MEANT to say something earlier” oh well thanks very much. no matter how much I know and understand that it is distraction and a symptom and that I shouldn't let it bother me, there are times when the distraction is SO much I have a hard time not screaming “HELLO!!!!!! I'M RIGHT HERE!!!!!!” Especially when I know that when he is working at paying attention and creating an intentional relationship that things between us are amazing and better than they have been in years. I know he knows this, but I also know how much hard work it is for him to stay in the here and now and it feels like he's got bored with making the effort.
I also, while I was posting wanted to say a HUGE heartfelt thank you to many of the regular posters here. Curself, jjamieson, overwhelmed wife and many more. Your presence and advice on the forums is awesome. I am a terrible lurker and don't post anywhere near as much as I would like, but please know I'm sure there are many like me who read regularly who massively appreciate your thoughtful and insightful advice and support. I wish you all a happy and calm holidays xx