Part of me is scared to type but I feel like I can't keep my feelings in any longer. I've given a million percent to my husband with ADHD and knew his problems before we got married. Maybe I thought I could help him and my love would carry us thru. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm angry, depressed, confused, etc...just too many emotions and I feel like I'm aging years as the days go on...I'm only in my early 30s.
I'm not living life for me but for him. He's very abusive...he says he hates me, hates when I touch him, calls me a c*nt, tells me to shut the f*ck up...that I shouldn't speak. Everything I say or do angers him...my mere prescence sometimes. He spends impulsively, drives erratic, he has no control over himself...always anxious and depressed and blames me. We have amazing sex but...BUT he's addicted to pornography. I can't say he's cheated but when you send pictures of your genitals to transexuals...what is a person supposed to believe? I can go on with the problems but I'll spare you.
I hate to give up because I did really love him...I feel like cruel evil things he says and done is making me numb to love and turned off by people. I'm having a very hard time and internalize everything. Lately I feel like oneday he may really hurt me or kill me...I'm having such bad thoughts. The only reason why we need marriage counseling is because of his issues related to ADHD. I honestly wanted him to focus on his own therapy because that is also all we can afford and what seemed priority. I keep putting him first and this is just not a normal healthy way to live. I know this...why did I get married when I knew of his disease? Why is this happening to me? I can't take anymore antidepressants...I wouldn't need any if it weren't for him. I looong to be happy and loved...just want him to see me for me and respect me. I just want somewhat of a stable life but its everyday!
I've tried showing him this site before and he had no interest but I really would love him to recognize his issues and take control. I don't know what would happen if he saw this post. I wish I were able to write under the forums "joy in marriages"...I wished someday we would get there but I don't believe we will. I feel like I should get a divorce now before its too late.
you must respect yourself
Submitted by arwen on
hope09, I urge you to read Melissa's blog post "Learning to Like Yourself Again -- non-ADD Spouse Version". It's even more relevant to your situation than to most. In my experience, most untreated ADDers (and quite a few treated ones!) are very self-centered, and there is a tendency for them to assume everybody else is happy to help them with whatever problems their ADD cause. If you accept this role, if you enable them, and put your needs aside, you may be showing that you are caring and generous, but you are not necessarily showing that you respect yourself. The typical self-centered ADDer *will not even notice* your care and generosity, but will perceive that you are willing to put them before yourself, and they will take that as an indication that you don't respect yourself -- so why should they? I also recommend you read Melissa's blog "Non-ADD Spouses Who Give Too Much", if you haven't already.
I don't think you can resolve anything in your relationship until you begin to respect yourself, and *show* that to your spouse. Your spouse may be angered by such a change, by your putting yourself first, but as I see it, your relationship can't really get any worse than it is now. It's just as possible, however, that your spouse will react by respecting you more, and it could have a positive effect in the long run. Only you can decide whether this is likely to be a useful path forward for you or not.
You ask why you married him when you knew of his disease, and why these distressing things are happening to you. Do not blame yourself unduly! The behaviors that ADDers exhibit during courtship are not always the same as those they show after "the bloom is off the rose". You may not have understood well enough what you were likely to be dealing with -- just because you know generally what a problem is doesn't mean that you understand what the challenges of dealing with it are going to be. Instead, it would probably do you more good to try to learn from your experience. There is a lot of good insight on this forum -- hopefully it will shine a light on some of your experiences and show you how to proceed.
Last but not least, I understand your feelings that your spouse's ADD problems need whatever counseling money you have, but I suggest you may want to look at the situation a different way. Your spouse is probably going to need counseling for a long long time, and in my experience the progress is pretty slow. You, on the other hand, may benefit fairly quickly from some individual counseling on your own, since you aren't having to grapple with a neurological disorder as well as any psychological or emotional problems. You may make more progress in dealing with your anger and depression in one session than your spouse does in three. If you are emotionally more healthy, it can only help you and your marriage. So maybe it would be more useful for you to see a counselor once a month, and slightly reduce the frequency of your spouse's counseling.
Good luck, you are not alone here!
Thank you
Submitted by hope09 on
Thank you so much. I will take the time to read the blog now!
Trust your insincts
Submitted by Elaine on
Hope09,
You are enduring quite a bit of abuse amongst other potentially dangerous factors ( erratic driving, perhaps sex with other people?) and no one deserves to be treated in this way...ADD or not! My heart hurts for you and your situation. You obviously still have love for him and are trying to take some of the blame onto yourself, perhaps so you won't have to believe he is capable of such mean behavior. You say you "long to be happy and loved...just want him to see me for me and respect me". I agree with Arwen that you need to respect yourself first. I also think there is a good chance that he may never be able to love you in the way you want/need to be loved. That is a common theme I read about on this site and one that I am all too familiar with in my own marriage.
One thing I wanted to make sure to comment on is your statement: "Lately I feel like one day he may really hurt me or kill me". This is very serious. Our "feelings" or instincts exist to protect us. If you feel like you may be in physical danger from this man, I urge you to take precautions and be aware if things begin to escalate. Don't just dismiss this feeling by blaming yourself for "having such bad thoughts". I do believe that you can make some steps towards respecting yourself and not letting him have so much control over how you feel about yourself. This would take individual counseling on your part and some "loving detachment" as Melissa talks about. However, I urge you to listen to your gut and be cautious when making any changes in how you interact with your husband if you are feeling like he might physically hurt you. Make sure you have a plan in case such a thing happens: money set aside, place to go where he can't find you, support of people who care for you, etc.).
If he is unwilling to deal with his diagnosis and his damaging behaviors towards you, I would say you should seriously consider getting a divorce and doing some work on your wounded soul before pursuing another joyful marriage with someone who loves and respects you.
Best of luck.
Thank you
Submitted by hope09 on
Thanks for taking the time to reply. All of you really help me refocus and get a grip on the situation.
Abuse
Submitted by ADD Spouse on
Do not put up with abuse! Your husband has blatantly broken marriage vows. He has not cherished you, protected you, honored you, or been faithful to you. Do what is best for you. Protect yourself. Honor yourself. Remove yourself from the situation. Make it clear to him that if he wants to remain married, his behavior has to change and then hold him to it.
For Hope09
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You are in an abusive relationship and suffering greatly as a result. Dig deep, find your inner courage, tell yourself that you deserve FAR, FAR, better than this man is giving you, and figure out how to break away from him. You don't need to file divorce papers right now if that is too big a step at this point, but you should physically get away from him and demonstrate that his behavior is simply unacceptable. That said, I agree with another poster that you should trust your instincts on whether or not he is capable of hurting you physically. At some point when he is not around, I would suggest calling an abuse center or hotline, describing your situation and finding out what they suggest about how to help ensure that he doesn't physically come after you after you leave and try to bully or hurt you. They can likely provide good support.
If your situation allows, I would open up to parents, family or friends who can support you, too. Get some folks in your camp - people who can cheer you on when it gets even harder and more depressing.
I would also STRONGLY suggest that therapy for you is even more important than therapy for him. He's not open to it right now, which suggests that it won't help him in any event. You, on the other hand, are open to it AND need it! You need to find out what it is about your relationship that has allowed you to stay in it even this long, and learn about how to make yourself strong enough to survive this. Internalizing everything is awful for you (and can make you physically ill, as well as mentally ill). Furthermore, getting therapy for yourself is a sign of self-respect. It's a way of saying "I need help, and I'm worthy of getting it." Give yourself the gift of getting the professional help you need. You don't have control of HIS actions (which are horrendous) but you have complete control over YOURS. So, exert that control and get what you need to stay healthy, get the love you so long for, and be happy.
I rarely advise people to leave, but words like "he has no control over himself", "he's very abusive", "he says he hates me", "he may really hurt me or kill me" say, strongly - GET OUT! Call that abuse hotline, enlist the help of people who love and support you, and figure out how to do it. If he wants to muse over the effects ADHD may have on him, let him do it alone. It may even give him perspective.