Part of me is scared to type but I feel like I can't keep my feelings in any longer. I've given a million percent to my husband with ADHD and knew his problems before we got married. Maybe I thought I could help him and my love would carry us thru. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm angry, depressed, confused, etc...just too many emotions and I feel like I'm aging years as the days go on...I'm only in my early 30s.
I'm not living life for me but for him. He's very abusive...he says he hates me, hates when I touch him, calls me a c*nt, tells me to shut the f*ck up...that I shouldn't speak. Everything I say or do angers him...my mere prescence sometimes. He spends impulsively, drives erratic, he has no control over himself...always anxious and depressed and blames me. We have amazing sex but...BUT he's addicted to pornography. I can't say he's cheated but when you send pictures of your genitals to transexuals...what is a person supposed to believe? I can go on with the problems but I'll spare you.
I hate to give up because I did really love him...I feel like cruel evil things he says and done is making me numb to love and turned off by people. I'm having a very hard time and internalize everything. Lately I feel like oneday he may really hurt me or kill me...I'm having such bad thoughts. The only reason why we need marriage counseling is because of his issues related to ADHD. I honestly wanted him to focus on his own therapy because that is also all we can afford and what seemed priority. I keep putting him first and this is just not a normal healthy way to live. I know this...why did I get married when I knew of his disease? Why is this happening to me? I can't take anymore antidepressants...I wouldn't need any if it weren't for him. I looong to be happy and loved...just want him to see me for me and respect me. I just want somewhat of a stable life but its everyday!
I've tried showing him this site before and he had no interest but I really would love him to recognize his issues and take control. I don't know what would happen if he saw this post. I wish I were able to write under the forums "joy in marriages"...I wished someday we would get there but I don't believe we will. I feel like I should get a divorce now before its too late.