So, I've already extracted myself from this and am starting to date someone else, but I'm pretty sure I was briefly involved with another ADHD man recently. I am writing about the experience here not to complain or to do any harm but rather, just to share, in case anyone out there reading has just started dating someone new and things seem... interesting. At one point he disclosed to me that other family members have been diagnosed with ADHD and when I asked if he had ever been diagnosed he said no. In my opinion, he might want to reconsider that. Heh.
Right away he was very enthusiastic about me and how I am SO AMAZING. SO ENGAGING. SO GREAT TO TALK TO. SO FUN. Flattering, sure, but it was far too enthusiastic for someone you just met. Gushing about how he hasn't met anyone SO INTERESTING in SO LONG and telling me how I should meet his entire family. Texting the majority of the day and into the evening. Every couple of hours.. even from work. Oversharing personal details about himself and others. Very quick to want to become sexually intimate.
I observed all this with cautious curiosity and then I gently expressed to him that I thought he was delightful as well but that I preferred to slow down and that it takes time to get to know someone.
He agreed, but the unbridled exuberance continued.
We went out to dinner twice and he was attentive and thoughtful. Very much a gentleman. Conversation was easy.
Two more little things gave me pause though. He told me that he turned his phone upside down on purpose and that he chose a table in a part of the bar/restaurant without a television so he wouldn't be tempted to look at what was going on. Not that big of a deal on it's own, I turn my phone upside down too when I am out with friends... but if you add it to the growing list it becomes a cause for concern... plus the fact that he felt compelled to tell me he was purposefully avoiding distraction was interesting to me.
He talked a lot about how we should DO ALL THE THINGS. Hike, movies, bike rides, dancing, day trips, what have you. Yet, most of the time he didn't plan anything and certainly not anything beyond "Hey why don't we have dinner?" The handful of times that there *was* a plan, last minute postponements and cancelations would happen due to a variety of issues that suddenly came up. Usually they were feasible... a last minute work problem, for example... but toward the end there started to be other odd things. "Oh I forgot I need to leave really early for my sisters birthday tomorrow morning, can we reschedule?" "Oh it turns out I'm not actually free this weekend like I told you I was, because I just remembered that I agreed to go to this other thing." Things like that. He was always apologetic and he did this to other people as well, not just me. On more than one occasion he would text me to see what I was doing and I would ask him "Weren't you supposed to go do XYZ with so and so today?" and he would say "oh yea.. but...".... and then have some reason why it didn't happen.
He forgot to bring a jacket and his regular prescription glasses (he only had his prescription sunglasses) to an afternoon event that would probably go into the evening... so when evening rolled around he was cold and he couldn't see.
Then he forgot to bring his regular glasses to a similar event again a couple weeks later and ended up spraining his ankle quite badly because after it inevitably got dark he couldn't see where he was going and stepped off a curb wrong.
He would miss details in my text messages. Like what the start time of an event was (that I had just texted him). Or that I AM taking a walk.. not that I WAS taking a walk. He would miss a question entirely or he would ask me the same question twice in a short period of time. Even though I had answered already.
He told me the wrong day for an important appointment that he had, and when I later asked about how it went he was confused and told me no, it's tomorrow.
He would often call me and then interrupt me in order to "call me right back". Sometimes he called back, sometimes he didn't and I would just get a random text an hour or two later. If I needed to finish what I was saying I would have to remind him where I had left off and start again.
He would interrupt me in order to kiss me... which... while it's great that you think I'm irresistible could I please finish what I was saying?
He would kind of abruptly leave at the end of an evening. This is a little difficult to explain. I think most people would agree that there's usually some kind of a wrap-up conversation when you're ending a date or an evening with friends. You might mention the next time you can get together or how you can't wait to hear about their job interview/upcoming vacation or otherwise linger a bit before heading out. Then it's hugs and handshakes all around and then you leave. Not in his case, however. He would just abruptly go "Ok, that was fun! Thanks, bye!" and turn around and walk away before anyone answered back. Even if was just a date with me alone. He didn't seem to realize that the polite/socially acceptable thing to do would be to wait for me to safely get in an Uber (or my own vehicle) before leaving to head home himself. There was no malice in these things at all. He was always all smiles, and often texted later to say thanks again and what a great time he had. Looking back it's almost comical... but at the time it came off as very jarring and even rude to just turn and leave.
Toward the end came the behaviors that went past the point of odd or situational and well into unacceptable - like all communication dropping off suddenly and for days, due to a problem he was overwhelmed by .... starting up again like nothing happened... apologizing and agreeing to communicate better in the future if a problem arose... and then dropping again. Taking things personally, blaming others, over drinking and other things.... All indications of larger problems under the surface.
Once those showed up I quickly exited... stage left.
Anyway... we only went out for a couple months so not major. But maybe this is helpful to others who might be wondering what is going on with their new friend or romantic interest. Some of it is quite subtle, or easily mistaken for other things. If I did not already have previous experience with ADHD I may not have otherwise seen it.
I think you are right on....
Submitted by c ur self on
I recognize most everything you said here....Say's a lot about why he is still available....There are many many people in this world who make great friends...(even if you can't count on them a lot of the time)...But they make horrible life mates....We have to count on those....
Submitted by c ur self on
Submitted by c ur self on