There are some things that, being in a marriage, are important. But when you’re the Non in a dysfunctional adhd marriage, they suddenly become more important.
By nature, I’m a pretty accommodating person. That’s a good trait... as long as you are accommodating because you have a good balance. (“These are my boundaries. If what is requested doesn’t cross my boundaries, then I don’t mind doing things they way they wish.”)
But I mostly didn’t have good boundaries. I didn’t realize some issues should have been a place where boundaries were necessary. And I didn’t hold some of my boundaries very long because I could be made to feel like the bad guy rather easily. All he had to do was react poorly to my boundary and accuse me of whatever he wanted (being the actual problem, not trusting him, not being nice, etc), and I would back off.
So lesson one: approach any and all relationships with attention to boundaries that keep the relationships in a healthy place.
Lesson two: have the strength to stand on your own and not be cowed when your boundaries are being challenged.
Another thing I wasn’t able to do well (but am practicing to be better) is have a radar for tactics of avoidance. People who don’t want to change will try all kinds of things to get you to leave the issue alone. And I mostly fell for it. Which made me feel crazy!
Lesson three: feeling crazy and confused is a sign that they are manipulating you and/or the situation.
And all three of those lessons are part of a bigger lesson - you have to be mentally strong to be when dealing with the effects of an adhd’er who does not want to have to work on their part of a relationship.
I think these lessons are true of anyone with any kind of dysfunction. But when you’re dealing with brain-driven dysfunction (adhd symptoms that aren’t being treated) plus chosen dysfunction (denial and avoidance of responsibility), there is suddenly so much more at stake for your mental health.
BRAVO Brindle
Submitted by Zapp10 on
Thank you for speaking to our side and also our part that we played. I am 63 years old married 43 years(now separated) and I did not know about boundaries let alone think "I" could have them. You described my situation exactly! I have spent a few years now coming to terms with my own issues let alone my H 's. I am in a much better place since I stopped looking at him and looked at myself.
I have learned that there
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I have learned that there will always be people who will try to tell me that my rendition of my ex-husband's behavior and my feelings in response are incorrect. They will think I am exaggerating; or they will suggest a response on my part that I've tried many times; or they will say he's justified in doing what he did because he was being denied something essential (e.g., sex) and I was the one denying it.
Unfortunately, I will live with these reactions the rest of my life, unless I pretend I was never married.
There are people
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
There will always be people who are quick to judge. Even if I've been through something similar, I cannot possibly know what another person's life is like. I've had people look at me like I'm exaggerating about things I've told them. Only My Ex and I know the truth. It was maddening for a while.
And sometimes...
Submitted by Brindle on
Sometimes it is only us that knows the truth. My H’s memory is so poor the he doesn’t remember most of the awful stuff he’s said and done over the years. So he doesn’t even believe he is capable of the very things he did. Sometimes, you have to just carry on being the only person who knows the truth.
I learned that people
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I learned that people consistently gave me advice that would work well for two neuro typical people and simply could not understand how such straight forward problem solving wouldn't work. The insinuation or outright charge was generally that I wasn't doing it right, or trying hard enough or (cough, cough) wasn't communicating my needs and expectations well enough.
If anyone ever brought up an issue of sex, my go to response was "I wasn't getting it either.... you're saying it's okay for me to cheat, then?" That usually ended the conversation. However, I also discovered that most people pointed to the wife in those circumstances. They couldn't know, and I would never have disclosed, how hard I tried to keep that part of our lives together (along with everything else_).
My ex H frequently played the card that he was a great guy for helping me with the kids at all. One time he verbalized it to me. He told me to quit asking for help because I'd "have to do it all anyway if he wasn't there"... as if my choice was always him or nobody at all? A big part of my love died that day because he had just told me how he really felt about it - his real values.
Being a non has taught me not to overlook the goodness in people. I was very sick yesterday and went home from work. Three people checked up on me after I went home and several checked in today. It made me sadly remember all the other times I was sick and my ex H didn't notice, help in any way, pick up any slack or check up on me. So, as a single person, I'm no worse off in that regard. However, the resentment I felt in those circumstances often outweighed the good others were doing for me and kept me from noticing it because I was so saddened by my ex H's lack of concern. That is so sad. I so regret that.
As a non, I sincerely regret being too tied up in the drama and dysfunction at home to see the good and take solace in it. I won't ever make that mistake again going forward.
I know that many people surrounding my ex H will always view me as a royal b*()&, but then again, they only ever heard his side of everything. I have no doubt that if it were explained in its entirety, their view would change.
"I learned that people
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"I learned that people consistently gave me advice that would work well for two neurotypical people and simply could not understand how such straight forward problem solving wouldn't work."
This in particular is hitting home for me this week. I posted a question on another website about how to do an address change for another person. My ex, from whom I've been divorced for almost three years, still hasn't changed his address from this house, which I now own. He doesn't receive much mail but he does receive some very important things, such as mail from our state tax authority (I think he hasn't filed income tax returns). I kind of wanted to scream when one person posted something like, "Just fill out the change-of-address card and send it to him, so he can sign it and submit it." This poster, while well-intentioned, obviously has never lived with a person with ADHD.
Change of address
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
https://moversguide.usps.com/mgo/whos-moving
The above address is for changing a mailing address through the US Postal Service. It doesn't look like you need a signature. (That is kind of disturbing from a security standpoint, but this may be an option in your ex-husband's case.)
Thank you. I considered
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you. I considered doing this, until I saw the following Note: "The person who prepares this form states that he or she is the person, executor, guardian, authorized officer, or agent of the person for whom mail would be forwarded under this order. Anyone submitting false or inaccurate information on this form is subject to punishment by fine or imprisonment or both under Sections 2, 1001, 1702 and 1708 of Title 18, United States Code."
!!
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
YIKES.
Put it back in the mail with
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Put it back in the mail with "not at this address" printed on the front. It will go back to the sender and alert them that they need to find a good address. Most senders, such as a tax authority, have entire returned mail departments dedicated to such.... The taxing authority, for example, may be able to conduct a credit or banking search to update the address.
Thank you. This might work,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you. This might work, although my ex also seems kind of intent at staying under the radar: hiding various bank accounts and such. Sigh.
Have a 'Not at this address' ink stamp made with a smiley face!
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Also put a smiley face icon on it. You paid your dues; have fun.
The story of my life, PI
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I get so much of this, PI.
''What do you mean you can't come out/take that course? Why don't you just get your husband to make dinner/put your daughter to bed/help her with her homework?'' / ''Why don't you just tell him to apply for jobs?'' / ''Maybe you should share the cooking and housework with your husband.''
It is really frustrating and there is absolutely no explaining it to anyone. That's why I am so thankful for these forums. You guys all get it, no explanations required.
Brindle....
Submitted by c ur self on
You make excellent points about boundaries...Thanks for posting them....The part about avoidance has been a slippery slope in my relationship....I really became abusive (verbally) my self, while trying to point out to her, her unconcern, and lack of effort in the marriage...
It took my a lot of years to realize she must want to do the work in the relationship....Any thing my nagging or pressing her for would never last, because it was never done from the heart...This one thing alone forced me to finally come to terms with leaving and living alone...
c
Dazed and confused
Submitted by krntsng on
Joined this forum specifically for some perspective on the being totally confused during conflicts.
"feeling crazy and confused is a sign that they are manipulating you and/or the situation. " resonates with me. I feel like I am wrestling with a slippery chameleon when we are in conflict (it's always calm discussions, never loud angry fights). She will tell me I'm leading her all over the place / dominating her experience / manipulating the situation etc etc when I feel like she's the one who's doing this stuff.
It's really tricky because I can't tell if it's directly a symptom of ADHD or some other behavioural / psychological issue. EIther way I don't know how to address it for fear of looking like an a-hole!
Hi krntsng....
Submitted by c ur self on
I just wanted to respond to your comment....So many of us deal with this same issue....I personally think much of our misunderstandings relate directly to our REAL difference's...Those that are never truly discussed...In other words, what do you believe marriage and the living of this life should consist of, when it comes to responsibilities? And what does she believe about the same?
So many of us try to have conversations about life, in hopes of understanding each others feelings...With the goal simply being a place of understanding and unity/ peace in the relationship....(IMO) and in my experience, the reason we don't reach these understandings and find some peaceful common ground, is related to what is truly in our hearts...What we SAY isn't what we do.....I think it's called being doubled minded...Deep down we may know what is right...But because of selfishness, (the weakness of the flesh) what comes out of us, isn't the power to enact this right standard...(The ability to be accountable)...So we learn to make excuses, justify, and seek concessions...And there is little chance that (not very likely) people who live w/ this type heart and mind, will ever admit it...."Barring they are changed" ...Sadly self-centeredness can run so deeply in us, that many of us can be completely blind to it...Justify the dysfunction so long, it become our reality....
A few things need to happen in order to move past this...1) Stop engaging in the discussions and just live day by day....Learn about yourself, how do you handle your thinking? Is it peaceful? Do you want to force or press her for anything? Or, do you have peace? Are you completely responsible about managing your own life? Or, are you feeling resentment because you want her to meet your standard?
After a time away from these conversations/debates, be the fly on the wall, and watch to see what is up with her life...Is she contented, is she being responsible and accountable to her responsibilities?....Or is she showing discontentment about something she can't press you to do??
We have to deal with the true standard (our hearts) we live by....Just because we state things about our beliefs, (or sadly, even vow them) and our feelings for our marriage relationship, doesn't mean that is who we are going to be, are even who we are capable of being....WE MUST GET THIS!
What I have found out is, people who do not keep their commitments, who do not want to discipline their lives...Also, don't like to discuss anything related to being responsible....They will talk about their pleasures, hobbies, their worldly likes and loves (tv shows, etc etc..) But never comfortable discussing responsibility...So emotional discomfort, and defensiveness will be there from the start....People who live this way, (undisciplined lives) will spin these kind of discussions to: "You want to control my life"...They can't handle discussions about their vows or responsibilities, and will not participate long:)....Sadly, the person who "expects" their spouse to discuss anything (the more responsible one, who isn't scared of the work it takes in the marriage) that effects them both daily, can easily turn aggressive and demanding, when meet w/ unconcern and indifference....
Check yourself, make sure you aren't the problem...then just live w/ the reality of what is possible....You are only responsible for your attitude and actions...None of hers....My wife will not allow herself to be hemmed up in (take part in) conversations related to her testimony about her life...vs her true living of life....So, because I love peaceful days....I try to remember this :)...When I forget, it turns to stone walling, or fight or flight...And I remember quickly!....Then I repent;(
Blessings friend...I hope you can come to peace w/ what is going on...
c
Caring concern
Submitted by Ayla on
Hi krntsng,
Saw your comment here and relating. Just want to share an honest thought since I had to learn the hard way.
It helps me to remind myself *frequently* that it's not my role to diagnose my wife. Navigating a marriage with someone with ADHD is no different than any relationship. It's about turning inward for answers about yourself and offering support outward. It sounds like you might be taking on the "manager" role... only because I've been there myself. I was afraid of looking like an a-hole like you say. Over time I learned that I wasn't afraid of her reaction, I was afraid because I was looking to her for answers about myself and that just naturally feels confusing. Then I would blame her for my confusion and look at her issues to try to explain why I was so confused. Not sure if that'll make sense or if it's the same for you. For me it makes a world of difference.
Hope it helps,
A
all too familiar
Submitted by packingslip on
I feel like I just read about my relationship with my husband. How have you changed it strengthened your mental capacity to be tougher