Submitted by PoisonIvy on 08/04/2019.
I've been divorced for more than three years. I think I'm reasonably well adjusted to the divorce. But every once in awhile, something will happen or I'll read something and I'll feel a sense of heartbreak. Just now, while reading, I came across this line: "He seems to constantly appreciate something simple about our lives...: we get to spend time together."
My ex said he wanted to stay married, but his behavior suggested otherwise; he avoided spending time with me. He scheduled his days and arranged his life around not being with me. And when apart, which we were at his choosing, he didn't communicate with me by phone or computer. This still breaks my heart.
It breaks my heart to watch
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It breaks my heart to watch my daughter experience the same heartbreak with him as I did. Yesterday I went grocery shopping. leaving the two of them alone. She tried to engage him just for a chat. He wouldn't look up from his computer. She asked him nicely to close the computer to talk to her and he got annoyed (yelled at her, actually) and would not engage with her. She called me on my cell phone crying that she loves her dad but said he will never love her. She said she is always trying to have a relationship with him but he doesn't want one with her. She feels unloved by him and that is heart-ripping. This isn't even close to the first time this has happened. I know exactly how she feels, but somehow seeing her feel it is so much worse than me feeling it.
Oh, Melody, that too. My
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Oh, Melody, that too. My children are young adults and live on their own, far from my home (where they grew up). But when they return to the state to visit, their father, my ex, often does not see them, because he would have to make some effort to do so.
On Paper
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I spent time with my college-aged son yesterday. He said, "You know, I think he wanted a wife and kids on paper, but not really."
For those of you who are wondering how to have difficult conversations with children - I think they eventually get it on their own.
I regret losing time to someone who saw me "on paper" and not as a fully formed individual - kind of like I wasn't really there. It breaks my heart that I lost so many years to someone who wasn't invested in me or the relationships. ADHD aside, I think this was the insurmountable hurdle and the thing that caused me the most angst. I fought against that belief; I couldn't "go there" and accept it, but it was true. When I look back at it, it wasn't what he wanted from the beginning and the cognitive dissonance of it caused me great distress (as did the ADHD). It breaks my heart that I believed the words and not the actions.
Lack of Empathy
Submitted by lmelliott05 on
I told him yesterday that I have a deep longing for him to feel my heart. I barely ever feel understood, don't feel like my feelings are heard or respected and he won't be held accountable for anything negative that he does but loves positive attention on him. Yesterday we had a great date and when we pulled up into our driveway he opened his door got out and started walking away, while I was mid sentence and still wearing my seatbelt. It may seem small, but it breaks my heart that he literally walks away from me while I am talking. He also witholds affection when I am upset.
I will never feel safe in his
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
I will never feel safe in his arms.
In the beginning I did, then stuff happened, and now I know my initial feelings were naieve, and that it would be foolish to try to return to them. I care about him, but I don't feel like he is my safe haven. I don't feel like when things are wrong, his embrace brings me solace. He's not without empathy, but I've emotionally come to a place whereby I only rely on myself. It is love, but it's not truly fulfilling love. Not the kind I had wanted for myself anyway. But we're making do. It's not awful anymore, and life is fairly stable, but it's still lonely in a way - not a true union, in my opinion.
I can’t pick just one
Submitted by Brindle on
i just... can’t. There’s too many heartbreaking facets of the lack of mutual relationship. I will just echo everyone who has shared their hurts so far: “me, too.”
It was heartbreaking to
Submitted by Shalott on
It was heartbreaking to realize a few years ago that I do not matter to H. Even though I have known and understood this for a while, it still catches me off guard sometimes and hurts so much. I worry he will do the same thing to both our daughters eventually, and that would be devastating to me.