I am married to a man with ADD. I do all the work at the relationship and at understanding my DH's ADD, and he says the relationship is important to him but he doesn't DO anything to make it work. He forgets what he says he will do. Or else he says he can't do it even though we agreed what to do.
I spend so much time studying and reading about ADD and thinking of ways that could make things better, and then more time thinking how to suggest them to him in kind ways, and then we talk about it and he thinks something could help and I used to feel happy then because I thought if he had agreed we would do something that way then he would want to do it but he just hardly ever does it. Now I don't really believe him anymore. I DO believe he would like things to get better, but it' s like he can't really understand what the problems are, and also he forgets everything. So if he wants it to get better it's just because he wants me to be happy.
I have CFS which means my energy is very limited. He doesn't seem to get what that means either. And when I tell him what I need to make it worth staying married to him he gets worried and says he doesn't know if he can give me what I need because he doesn't understand those things. I told him how the ADD effects the marriage and me. I told him he needs to be fair and responsible and get some medication or other help or at least learn about it.
He doesn't like the idea of drugs. What else will work? And he says he can't read books to learn about it because reading is difficult for him so I send him links from the internet, articles and websites, and I copy good information and e-mail it to him. If he reads them he doesn't say anything to me and things are just the same. I recorded a tape once for him to understand how it was for me and he listened to it once, then we listened to it together and discussed it. But nothing helped for more than just the present time. Nothing lasted. It's like it's all down to me, and I just can't do it all, but it's like he can't do things either. Or he can't make himself do them.
He said he doesn't understand what I am talking about and he asked me for concrete examples so I wrote it out for him but he says he can't read it so we read it together and he usually gets defensive. Sometimes things get better after we have a talk but it doesn't STAY better.
I am crying inside. I love him so much. I don't want to give up on our marriage, I really don't, but I don't know how I can stay in it at the same time as looking after myself too. What's the point of being married if only one person's needs are being met most of the time and the other person is just getting drained?
Sorry to moan.