What can I expect in terms of having my own needs met?

I'm new to this site and have a million questions but thought I would try and hone it down to one topic... what can I reasonably expect from my ADHD partner in terms of meeting some of my needs? 

I am really struggling at the moment to see what is reasonable to expect for my own needs from my ADHD partner and what is reasonable to give up on in a marriage in terms of my own needs. 

I love my husband very much and I really want to make this work but I feel like I am often in a no win situation.

The cycle goes like this....


-I want him to take more responsibility to ease the burden on me so I can have some joy and have some present moments in my life

- however I understand that most responsibility will fall to me as he struggles to organise and plan, so I minimise it for him where possible

- again and again he lets me down and things don't get done by anyone but me (I realise this is a symptom but it is exhausting for me nonetheless)

- When this happens I raise it and get upset, fearful that I will always feel this stressed and weighed down (I know I can't live like this forever so I want it to improve somehow)

- I want him to understand why I am so upset, to take some ownership and also acknowledge that this has been raised as important to me many times

- he is defensive instantly, no empathy, feels criticized and then tells me I should have reminded him more (which is a massive trigger to me because I feel so exhausted and so responsible for everything)

- I get more upset because he is not owning or acknowledging anything 

- He gets angry at me for repeating myself 


I understand that on my part I need to be more understanding that this is hard for him. And I think I have the capacity to change myself in that way if he is able to be self aware, honest and own some of it too.

Can I ever expect the defensiveness and lack of accountability to ever get better? 

I can see us working around the disorganization and symptoms but not that. 

From a very stressed out mother of toddler, and wife of a man who is so amazing in so many ways