Signing separation papers. January 28, 2015. I cannot move out, as our financial situation is not in a place where that would work out. If he moved out, I would be stuck in the "physical mess" of my spouses hoarding, and all his business materials are here. I am listening to God. God will not, and has not given me the the word that I can get divorced.
And not because I promised in my vows, nor will be the martyr of believing God made this mess, so he must want me in it. I clearly believe God is chasing after my spouse.
What I believe in my whole heart of hearts is that he has some really awful behaviors weighing him down. They may have served a purpose at one time - self defensive mechanisms - but now they are weighing him to the bottom of the ocean, where he cannot work on our marriage, because he is drowning in his pain. Gasping for breath surely makes it hard to do ANYTHING but survive.
He will have to decide if he wants to get off his pity pot of Woe is Me, and do the hard work to get free of it. I KNOW this road so well. My eating disorders served a purpose for a long, long time. I had to fight to get their grip off me, as they no longer served a purpose, but rather had me trapped. My spouse can do the same thing.
His ADHD just - well it is. Cannot be cured from it. Does not need to be fixed. He has developed many many defensive mechanism in all the years - over 50 of them - surviving his ADHD without diagnosis. Many of those are destructive to him. And in that, they are not good for our marriage. He needs to let them go, and learn better skills.
The problem I fight with is it appears he cannot, or will not. I only know the end result, which is he doesn't. And I cannot make him, or convince him, or do it for him.
We all need to separate who we are - from what we do. Who he is has always been a handsome 6' 4" blonde haired blue eyed hunk of man. What he is doing - - -well it is drowning him in anger. I just can no longer take that anger.
I will hope someday he will choose to ask how he can break free from all that baggage - rather than focus on, "I am so sad. Liz wants to leave."