My ADHD spouse was diagnosed 5 years ago. It explained a lot for both of us. He started meds and therapy.
I have been supportive but have not gotten involved in treatment unless I was requested to get involved either by him and/or his therapist. It has not been easy. I know that he has tried different meds and combinations of meds but I do not know what he is taking. He doesn't go to therapy very often - he's too busy he says.
I admit that I have gotten quite frustrated and angry, have fallen in nagging / mothering and work really hard to get away from that. I recognize what I need to work on and that it's not easy.
Things have been getting much worse, especially over the last few months. He doesn't go to bed at night most nights until at least 4am. He doesn't eat well unless it's when he's home and eat my cooking. Drinks multiple cans of cola per day, doesn't exercise.
He has always has this negative mindset - that I must be conspiring against him, that I mean something other than what I am saying, that I must be hidding something from him etc... Now, it's gotten to the point where I am the cause of his inaction. He can't contribute because I am not nice enough. He doesn't come to bed at night because I am not loving enough. He can't get things done because if he does I don't praise him so why bother etc...If I only "let things be" (i.e. not ask, not remind, not follow-up, not react etc...) then he would get things done. I can't ask him a question without it being seen as a loaded question - that I don't really want an answer, I must just be trying to pin something on him. I ask for an opinion he doesn't have one.I make a decision he questions - he says he is only trying to help by offering other suggestions...
ME:Where would you like to go for dinner? HIM: I have no preference, you pick. ME: Lets go to X then. HIM: Why not to Y??
ME: What time do you want to leave in the morning. HIM: I don't know. ME: I think we should leave at 8am. HIM: Why not 7:30? ME: OK. Then we end up leaving at 8:30.
These a trivial examples but it's the same about everything. He doesn't want to get involved in our budget, bill payments, taxes, meal planning, house maintenance, repairs, vacation planning, booking summer camps, daycare, school forms etc... But he questions why I make the decisions I do, why not do it differently etc... Everything is questioned and argued but he doesn't take the initiative. Then he says I take too much on my shoulders that's why he offers other suggestions to be helpful. IT'S NOT HELPFUL! I was managing credit card payments - which were paid in full monthly - so I was also reviewing transactions. He complained that I was checking him with his credit card so I handed back the responsability of his card to him. Within 3 months the card was maxed out and payments not made. Now it's my fault because I threw it back at him. I should have known he wouldn't't be able to handle it.
Last summer, I found a piece of paper with a phone number, he took it from me and ripped it up but not before I Googled it and it was an escort. He says he had no clue, that an employee gave him that number, it must be a mistake. Should you talk to your employee? No, can<t do that. What would he think if I told him what that number is for??
Since then, our phone bill, which includes cell phones, included call to escorts. He says they must have been wrong numbers or someone at work must have taken his phone. Numbers are NOT on the phone log on the actual phone, he has no recollection and doesn't know why that would be.
Yesterday, I noticed an email account I didn't know about with inapropriate emails. He immediately deleted the account, even though I asked him not to. He then said that someone at work must have hacked into his phone and created the account. Then he accused me of creating it myself to find an excuse to leave him. Then he said that if he DID create he has absolutely no recollection of it.
He went to bed Saturday night/Sunday morning at 5:30am. Slept in until at least noon - we had a contractor coming to our house at 9am and had to take care of it and then had to go run errands and he was just getting up when I came back around 1pm). He took another nap on the couch in the afternoon, missed dinner because he was in bed and then watched TV until he came up to bed sometime after midnight.
He has not done laundry in WEEKS (I stopped doing his laundry years ago when he complained about how I was doing his). Yesterday he complained he was not able to do laundry because I was.
I am scared, exhausted, don't know what to do anymore. I never got involved in his treatment. I have been trying to be supportive - it's hard - and I have been patient. I think his ADHD is out of control. I think he needs help. What do I do??
ETA: Sometimes (of often lately) I feel as I he doesn't really want to take this seriously. I am the high income earner, all the bills get taken care of, the house gets taken care of (as best I can which is not as much as I would like), our child gets taken care of, all appointments get taken care of, we go on great vacations that I plan entirely, he comes home to meals that I make while he sits on the couch watching tv and after eating he goes right back to the couch etc... Then he blames me for not doing enough FOR him and that is the reason why he has trouble with his ADHD. What is the upside of him doing anything about it?